


Falling Into Fantasy

by Into_Evernight



Category: AFI
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-24
Updated: 2015-01-24
Packaged: 2018-03-08 22:39:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 74,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3226115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Into_Evernight/pseuds/Into_Evernight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Davey has always needed more than the average person--the norm just doesn't do it for him. Fate took his dreams away long ago with the end of his band but it's about to give him a chance with his idol from Loose Change--Jade Puget. Things aren't always what they seem on the surface, however, and power can corrupt even the meekest individuals. Whether or not he learns his lesson about loving what he has instead of what he wishes he had is up to him, though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: It Was the FIrst Time

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on AFIslash from 08/14/2010 through 10/20/2012. As of this writing, I have completed all chapters but have not edited. Since it has been so long since I wrote them I'm not sure if/when I will post them.
> 
> I think I need to give a clear warning right now: There will be het in this story in amounts some may not feel comfortable with. However, I will give fair warning on said het-filled chapter (which I believe is the 3rd/4th one...) Trust me, it will go away and it's there for a reason.
> 
> Anyway, had this story planned since early May (of 2010). I finished it in January of 2011.
> 
> Author's Chapter Notes:
> 
> I've had this sitting on my computer since...June 3rd, I think? :S Ah, at any rate...Um...it's not a high school fic. The first chapter is sort of like a flashback. Just thought I should throw that out there...Oh, and although I have 14 chapters of this already written up, my Davey character is the one making all the choices so I kind of don't know where this is going entirely. It's mostly a Javey, though. Feel free to leave critique; just please be gentle with me. Let me know if I've done anything hideously wrong though...I do aim to improve. ;)
> 
> Thanks to my sister for letting me read this to her. And a very special thanks to Hellion for beta-reading for me! You helped me out SO much I'm dedicating this chapter to you!
> 
> Disclaimer: These are mere characters based on the members of AFI and those affiliated with the band (not the real people, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

Davey lay hanging off the edge of Mark’s bed, picking at his dirty, jagged nails in boredom. He and his friends had been sitting there, holed up and nearly unmoving, for the past two hours. Now that they'd run out of things to say to each other, they were lying around in heavy silence. Davey wished that someone would do, or say, _something_. There was nothing worse than an idle mind; for one thing, it made his thoughts start to drift to the problems he’d been hiding from ever since summer began. He couldn’t think of anything to do himself so he turned to his friends for inspiration.

Peering up and around the room, he looked at each of his friends’ bored expressions. Adam was sitting with his back against the wall, knees drawn up with long, lanky arms hanging over them. His bright blue eyes were focused on some invisible spot in the middle of the room, right over Nick's head. Davey vaguely wondered what he was thinking about; he’d been quieter than usual today. As for Nick—he hardly noticed Adam's gaze was practically locked on him; he amused himself by flipping through some magazines scattered on the floor around the bed. He’d done a good job of ignoring everyone since they’d crashed into their respective places. He was no fun, either. Straining to look over the edge of the bed, Davey peeked at Mark, hoping he was doing something more interesting. Nope. Mark was lying on his stomach, chin resting on his arms as he stared at the wall. He, as well, had hardly moved since they'd come bounding upstairs to his room, tired out from their latest adventures in town. Annoyed, Davey glanced across the room at Geoff, who was crouched on the floor, flipping through Mark’s albums as he tried to find something new to listen to…and failing. They'd already gone through the entire collection in the past month they'd been out of school, wearing the beloved albums out with many, many listens. With a heavy sigh, Davey blew a strand of his dark, dirty hair out of his face. Apparently there was nothing to do and his friends were hardly entertaining. He was bored. So bored he thought he was going to die. It was so weird how he thought school was going to kill him and now that they had been liberated from the evil task master, he _still_ thought he was going to die. Irony.

From across the room, Adam suddenly stirred, shifting his weight. He tilted his head back and stared up at the ceiling. “Hey, wanna go check out who’s playing at the venue tonight?”

Four sets of eyes simultaneously lifted, their owners momentarily shaken from the stifling, quiet monotony of the night. Mark rolled over onto his back, absentmindedly scratching at his belly as he contemplated the idea.

“Who's playing?” He finally asked, hand lingering on the fabric of his dirty black T-shirt.

Adam shrugged. “I dunno, but it sounds better than this.”

“Hey, some of us actually like doing nothing.” Geoff piped up from his corner, disgruntled frown furrowing his brow. To this statement, Davey tossed a pillow at him from the bed. It hit him in the shoulder before he could dodge it. A curse escaped his lips. “Shit, man! What the fuck was that for?”

“It’s because you're boring,” Davey retorted, shifting so he could slightly lift his body up and lean on an elbow. “You never want to fucking do anything except sit around and eat.”

“Nah, maybe I'm just tired 'cause you dragged me around all day,” Geoff flung the pillow back with violent force, but Davey ducked in time. “Shit!”

With a wolfish grin, Davey popped back up, running a hand through his hair to drag the stringy strands out of his face. “Ha! Yeah right. You're just afraid you'll get your ass kicked if those college kids catch you hangin’ around again.”

Nick laughed loudly. “Oh, yeah, especially after _last_ time when you got drunk and picked a fight with them...” He smirked devilishly at the thought. His grin widened as Geoff's eyes narrowed, expression warning and dangerous. Nick ignored this and leaned towards him a bit as he dealt the final, humiliating blow. “…And Dave had to come to your rescue.”

“Shut the fuck up, man!” However, the damage was done and Geoff was hardly managing to keep up the “tough-guy” act much longer. His face was turning beet red. The others laughed at his expense.

“Aw, shit, dude, those were some good times,” Mark chuckled, lazy smile spreading across his face as his head flopped to the other side. He sighed contentedly and looked back over at Adam. “Anyway, forget Geoff, the pussy. We can just leave him here if he doesn't want to come.” Geoff sent him a glare, flipping him off, but Mark ignored it, quickly scrambling to his feet and grabbing a few crumpled dollars from his desk to stuff in his jeans pocket.

Davey propped himself up on both elbows and nodded eagerly. “Yeah, sounds like a plan! So why don't we head over now?”

Adam nodded his agreement and slowly raised himself from his sitting position. “Okay, let's go. It's Friday so it's probably gonna be packed but they might still let us in if we're not too late. I didn't hear of any really big bands playing tonight so it'll probably just be some local ones.”

“Yeah,” Nick agreed, standing as well, “Maybe we even know the guys from school or something.”

Adam, Mark, and Nick started to file out the door. Davey quickly jumped up from the bed and followed them, snickering in Geoff's general direction as he passed through the doorway. The four of them laughed again as they heard Geoff utter a string of curses. However, despite his earlier protests, he did join them as the group headed down the stairs.

Even though they could drive, they chose to walk over to the venue. It wasn't too hot that night and Mark didn't live too far from it. They joked and laughed the whole way, pushing each other around. Davey enjoyed nights like these—nights where he could tilt his head back, stare up at the blue-black sky and the yellow-orange light of the street-lamps, and just let everything go. He felt so free, as though he and his friends were finally escaping it all. The venue was always a place of refuge, catharsis, comfort; he could count on shows to get the release he so desperately needed. It really didn’t take them long to get there despite the few skirmishes that broke out between Mark and Geoff and, luckily for them, they arrived just before the show started.

As they made their way through the darkened room they all knew so well, Davey took note of the crowd around them. Most of them were kids around his age that frequented the place, though there were a few guys who looked like they might have been in college. In comparison to the bigger shows where the main room was packed wall to wall with fans, this actually wasn't such a bad turnout, especially for a few local bands. He smiled to himself as they made their way to the front, hanging near the right side of the stage. Once again, as always, his friends shoved to get the best spots for themselves, forcing Davey into an awkward spot right in front of the speakers. Glaring, he angrily jabbed at Nick, who was standing next to him, only to be ignored. So he tried digging his elbow painfully into the other boy's side. He had found that this was a surefire way to attract his attention.

A low curse. “What?” Nick looked down at him, hardly amused.

“Do you mind switching places?” Davey’s smile was overly sweet as he laid a hand on Nick’s arm. “I kinda, you know, hate being stuck here.” He always found himself in this awkward spot. It was hard to see the band playing or get in on the pit action, especially pressed so hard and close against the stage.

“Pfft, no way!” Nick laughed, “Deal with it!” He turned away from Davey to talk to Mark and Adam.

Davey sighed as the hot, sweaty, squirming bodies of other concert-goers forced him closer against the stage. There was plenty of room in the back, but everyone wanted to get as close to the front, as close to the action, as they could. He could smell the excitement and the tension in the air; everyone was practically holding their breaths, waiting for the first band to come on stage.

The lights dimmed further and the stage lights clicked on, illuminating the five kids who now occupied the stage. They probably had come on while Davey had been arguing with Nick but they'd been too focused on where they were standing to notice. Davey gave them a quick look over as they introduced themselves as The Cross-outs. The lead singer and guitarist seemed cool; he sported blonde and orange spiked hair and an attitude to beat. After a brief banter with the crowd, they let forth a fury-induced blast of hardcore punk—they had picked a good night to come down here, Davey thought. The kids in the center flung themselves into a frenzy of moshing, egged on by the shouted lyrics preaching anarchy and nonconformity.

Seeing the pit had just gotten started, Davey forced his way through the crowd to get more in the center where the action was. A quick glance over his shoulder revealed that his friends had taken his lead and were following him into the pit. Flashing a cocky grin, he threw himself into the edge of the pit, gradually forcing his way to the middle. Now _this_ was his idea of a Friday night. There was nothing better than the adrenaline, blood, sweat, and bruises that came from slamming and shoving into other human beings, all while sharing their love for music. This was what made living truly worthwhile.

The set lasted about half an hour before they went off stage, after a final farewell to their audience. The pit calmed down and the yells from earlier morphed into a much quieter dull murmur. A crew ran up the steps and started to strike the stage, preparing it for the next band. At the absence of the distraction, his catharsis, Davey felt a little put-off. Trying to shake the feeling, he turned back to his friends with his arms crossed over his chest.

“What'd you think of them, huh?” Mark asked, leaning over from behind Nick so he could look at Davey.

“Eh, they were pretty good,” Davey replied, shrugging casually, “I could get used to it.”

“Ha, there you go being picky again,” Nick teased, shoving his shoulder playfully.

Davey frowned. “Nah, it's not like that.” He turned away to glance at the door which led backstage, running a hand through his hair. He suddenly felt distracted; there was some undeniable sort of tension that hung heavier than usual in the air. The room smelled sour and he felt anticipation sting as anxiety gripped his stomach. He really wished the next band would hurry up and come on so he could lose himself to the music and enjoy the experience with the crowd. Something just didn't feel right at the moment and, more than anything, he didn't want to fall into a bad mood before the evening had barely started. At least they were in the right place since music was the only cure for him when he got this way.

Not being a stranger to Davey's moods, Nick picked up on the sudden change in atmosphere and backed off, for which Davey was truly grateful. It wasn’t that he didn’t want company; it was that he didn’t want his friends to see him falling into a sense of insecurity. His stomach clenched tighter so he hurriedly tried to shake the negative thoughts that tried to take grip. Thankfully, he didn't have to fight it too long because the next band came on stage, earning a roar of approval from the crowd.

This band, One Last Shot, wasn't so bad either. The pit started again and—after casting a glance at his pre-occupied friends—Davey took the opportunity to slip away from them for awhile to get even closer to the stage and the strangers who occupied it, to completely lose himself and his problems to the music and the crowd. He felt the tension melting away and really began to enjoy himself. It was nice to be crammed in the small room with so many strangers—some of which were vaguely familiar, some of which were not—knowing that they were all there for one reason and that one reason alone united them. It was something he really treasured about coming to shows—he never knew what opportunities it would bring or who he’d run into. He was kind of surprised when their set ended; he'd been having so much fun he hadn't kept track of the time.

Adam was the first to find him during the break, bringing him a cup of water. Davey grinned his thanks then downed it too quickly, streams of cold water spilling out the sides and running down his cheeks and chin. It dribbled onto his shirt but it didn't matter; Davey wiped his mouth on the front of it anyway.

“You look like you're feeling better,” Adam pointed out, smiling a little.

“Yeah, I am…A lot, actually.” Davey admitted, grinning back, his dark eyes sparkling. He took another large gulp from his paper cup. “I'm seriously glad you had this idea ‘cause I needed this. Tonight's the most fun I've had in the past few weeks.”

“Yeah, I know,” Adam nodded slowly as he looked down at the floor, falling silent while he thought. Worry clouded his features but he tried to conceal it by turning his head, though he couldn’t help but ask, “It’s really sucked that bad at home, huh?”

Davey fell silent for a long moment, staring at the scuffed up, dirty toes of his Converse. He hadn’t wanted to think about it but it had been hovering over his head in the form of a dark storm cloud; he couldn’t deny that. As Davey's best friend, Adam was often the recipient of long, bitter rants from the teen so he knew better than any of them when Davey was upset and it was up to him to make sure his friend was all right. Adam was really the only one that could be completely trusted and who wouldn't ever tease Davey about how upset he got. The others meant well but sometimes Davey just needed someone to listen and be kind to him.

“Well,” Davey finally said softly—too softly for his liking, “Honestly, yeah.” He scrunched up his features in concentration. “Family’s been on my ass…been fighting…I really needed to blow off some of that stress. Coming here helps.” He peered up at Adam with earnest eyes.

Adam nodded slowly, still deep in thought. “I know. It’ll be Okay, though. I promise it'll get better.” He offered a warm smile, then clamped his hand on Davey's shoulder. “Well, I was just checking on you.” He paused for a moment, studying Davey. It was more than obvious to him that Davey wanted to be by himself. “I’m gonna go back to the others. If you wanna join us, you know where to find us.” He carefully pushed past the surrounding people to get back to his spot with their friends.

Davey watched him go, then quickly turned his attention back to the stage as the low growl of a guitar drawled from the speakers. He watched as the lights bathed the stage in a white hot glow, revealing its occupants. There were four guys on stage. The lead singer and bassist stepped up to the microphone, drawing all attention.

“I hope no one's tired,” He paused for a moment, licking his lips while his eyes scanned the crowd for approval, “'cause we're just getting started!” A resounding yell arose from the audience and he waited for them to calm down. “Maybe you've seen us around Ukiah High, maybe not. In case you haven't heard, I'm Chon Travis and we are Loose Change!”

As he spoke this last sentence, the guitarist began to play, introducing the crowd to their first song. Every inch of Davey's skin crawled with goose bumps at the sound; oh, this was going to be good. His eyes shifted to the guitarist...and stayed there. He was tall, skinny, and had brown hair that spiked up in a weird type of fauxhawk. His long, pale fingers wrapped tightly around his instrument; he played as though he held ultimate power over a living creature's voice. Maybe it wasn't particularly _great_ but he had the potential and his passion easily overrode everything else; it was impressive actually. He truly looked like the stage was where he belonged.

Feeling frozen in place, Davey took a few minutes to watch, concentrating on the song. Something about their energy was captivating, relatable. He closed his eyes momentarily, just letting the music surround him and flow through him. Oh, yeah, he really liked this. _This_ was what punk rock was all about.

Pulling himself from the trance, he opened his eyes again and tore his gaze away from the band so he could rejoin the bodies around him in the blurred, fast-paced motion of the pit. Several songs passed and he found himself liking them more and more. Every couple of songs Chon would pause to talk to the crowd, and once the guitarist chimed in. From this exchange, Davey learned his name was Jade Puget. _Jade_? Now that certainly was an interesting name...He really was curious about this guy now! He had a chipmunk face, half-assed hair, long limbs, and a girl's name. This guy was a riot!

Even though Jade seemed weird, Davey found himself wanting to talk to him. He could've sworn he had seen him around school once or twice over the past few years but he wasn't sure. Racking his brain, trying to remember, he snuck a few more glances at Jade; he just had an odd feeling about this guy...He was itching to talk to him now.

Just as he'd made up his mind that he would go find him after the show, he felt a hand clamp around his arm. He whirled around, ready to slam into whoever it was, but was taken aback when he came face to face with Adam. He opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off before he could even begin.

“Dude, we gotta go.”

“What?” Davey blinked in surprise as Adam tugged him through the thickening crowd. Pushing his stringy hair back behind his ear, he asked, “Why now? The show's not over!”

“Geoff kinda got into some trouble. We have to leave before he—” Adam began to explain, then stopped, staring out over the crowd.

Davey opened his mouth to reply, but then he, too, caught a glimpse of the skirmish that had broken out past the edge of the pit, over the sea of bobbing heads. Squinting, he studied the writhing bodies and caught a glimpse of Mark shoving near the two tangled characters. Undoubtedly, that was his friend. He grumbled beneath his breath and pushed forward more forcefully, Adam trailing close behind. Upon reaching them, Davey found that Geoff was being held up against a pole by some tall, muscular guy. It took him a moment to recognize him from earlier—that was the same guy he’d wrangled with weeks ago. Nick and Mark were trying to tug and beat the larger boy off, but he wouldn’t let go no matter how hard they tried. Out of the corner of his eye, Davey noticed two other familiar guys hurrying from the bar, heading in a bee-line towards them with beers clutched in their hands.

He hissed a curse beneath his breath. “ _Shit_.” This wasn’t good. He had to get Geoff out of there _now_. Without thinking, he lunged.

“Dave—” Adam seized his arm, pulling him back a little too hard. This earned him an angry glare of contempt.

“What the fuck?” Davey snapped, eyes darkening, “We have to do something now before those stupid shitheads come!” He pointed towards the two other college kids, who were forcing their way through the crowd by that point.

“You don’t understand,” Adam tried to explain, “They have—”

“I don’t give a fuck what they have,” Davey growled, yanking his arm from Adam’s hold, “No one fucks with my friends like that!”

He stormed over, fists clenched, preparing himself to deal a heavy blow or two should the situation call for it. As he drew nearer, he could see Geoff squirming under the other’s tight grip, lips forming obscenities and fists flailing uselessly out only to be _laughed_ at and slammed against the pole again, his attacker’s grasp tightening.

Davey was now close enough to properly see, and hear, what was going on. Nick and Mark were still throwing kicks and punches, and trying to pry the other’s arms off, all to no avail. Nothing they were saying or doing seemed to be working, nor could they seem to get close enough to him to do any good.

“Fuck off, already!” Nick snarled, hurling yet another futile blow at him.

“Just let him go!” Mark demanded, scowling and trying to look menacing—but he was shaking. “We’ll leave you alone, dammit!”

In response, the man lifted one fist, clutching what appeared to be a knife. “You better know what’s good for you, kid,” He laughed, “I’ll slit your throat if you get any closer!”

Davey swallowed hard, feeling his blood run cold. They were being threatened with knives? He hurried closer, squeezing between concert-goers, racking his brain for a plan. This guy seemed a lot more dangerous than he’d thought. He was holding Mark and Nick off with blunt kicks or by merely waving the knife in their direction. Something deadly in his eyes said that he wasn’t just fucking around; if provoked enough, he would do it no matter what the cost might be.

Anger rushing hotly through him, Davey found no trouble at all mustering the courage he needed. The way to handle this was to surprise him and show no fear. Davey had dealt with him before and he certainly could do it again. So he slapped a hand down on the man’s shoulder, brows furrowed together. “Hey!” He shouted, teeth all but grinding together, “Fuck off!”

“Listen, you little bitch!” The overwhelming scent of alcohol was spat in Davey’s face as the punk wanna-be leaned in way too close. “You better shut the fuck up or—”

Before he could even give himself time to think, Davey pulled back his fist and dealt the bastard a swift, unexpected slug in the face. “I said _fuck off_!”

The blow was enough to stun the guy; he dropped Geoff to cover his dripping nose. “ _Fuck_!” He hunched over in pain, ignoring his trembling victim.

Davey cringed, sucking his breath in through his teeth as a surge of pain rushed through his hand and wrist. A few shakes of his hand were enough to rid of the pain, though, and he was confident he’d done more damage to his opponent than to himself. By now, Geoff had recovered enough to stand, and tore off in the direction of his friends with his tail figuratively between his legs. He scampered past Davey and stood beside Adam, having had the fire completely extinguished by fear.

Even though he didn’t fight often, Davey was angry enough to have jumped this dick, knocked him senseless into the ground, pounded his face in…whatever he had to do to get him back. As he was preparing to hit him again, though, he was seized tightly by the shoulders and sharply yanked backwards. His first thought was that he’d been seized by the meathead friends of this drunk fuck and they had every intention of gutting him and leaving him to die.

He struggled with all his might. “What the fuck?” He yelled, trying to throw his captor off. It was useless as the other’s grip proved to be too tight, and he was spun around to face a stern security guard.

“Out,” He commanded, giving Davey a rough shove. He turned to take care of Geoff’s attacker. By now, he was trembling, both hands cupped over his bruised face. Davey secretly hoped he had a broken nose.

Upon seeing security approaching, Mark and Nick scurried over to Davey. They might have acted tough, but they sure as hell didn’t want to get in trouble. The last thing they wanted was to have a run-in with the police, and the inevitable parental involvement which would probably end in a summer spent locked in their houses. They looked embarrassed, pathetic, as they stood awkwardly to the side, eyes directed at the floor.

Davey, however, stood his ground undaunted, arms crossed tightly over his scrawny chest and jaw clenched. He would _not_ let anyone run him off that easily! This wasn’t even his fault. It wasn’t fucking fair! He wasn’t going to leave just like that…especially after this dickhead had messed with his friends. He wouldn’t get away with it. Narrowing his eyes, he clenched his clammy hands into fists, nails digging into his palms. Everyone wanted him to leave because of that piece of trash? No way! Another wave of rage surged through him and he lunged forward again, only to be held back by Nick and Adam.

“Dude, let’s just get out of here,” Nick insisted, tugging at Davey’s shoulder.

Davey glanced from his friends’ worried—and slightly frightened—faces to the stupid bastard he’d love to teach a lesson or two—or simply kill. He knew it was stupid and hot-blooded of him to rush in, especially with security right there, but he was so pissed-off. At the same time though, deep inside, he knew that they would get in a lot of trouble and it would be best to leave while they still had the chance.

“Guys, let’s go,” Geoff begged, eyes wide, “We’ve already basically been kicked out and my parents can’t find out that I got into another fight.”

Davey hesitated again, casting a glance back towards the stage. He really didn't want to leave now, especially so early. He looked back at Adam, torn.

Seeing the uncertain expression on his face, Adam tried to talk some sense into him. If anyone could get through to Davey, Adam could. “C'mon, Dave. The show's gonna be over soon anyway. We don’t wanna get in more trouble. If we stick around any longer, we’ll either get our asses kicked or we’ll get in trouble with security.” Adam paused. Then, seeing that Davey was still unmoved, he tacked on, “Even if security lets us all go, he’ll be waiting for us—or he’ll send his friends. C'mon. Let’s go before they catch us.”

A loud, drawn-out sigh. “Since when did you guys grow pussies?” Davey asked, quirking an eyebrow, “Are we seriously gonna let them run us off? I'll take them on and clear things up! No one messes with my friends like that.”

Adam looked down at his shoes, his grip on Davey’s arm tightening. “We can’t do anything about security or those guys. Besides, what if his friends have knives too? They didn’t get in any trouble yet and they saw what happened.”

“Aww, they lost track of us. Stop worrying so much! ‘Sides, can't we just let security take care of them once we’ve explained and—”

“Let's just go, Okay?” Without waiting for a response, Adam dragged him towards the door. He couldn't let Davey's stubborn attitude cause them any more trouble. They were already in way over their heads.

Davey didn't protest anymore. He felt a flare of anger rising inside of him at the thought that some drunk college assholes were threatening his friends like that. He really wanted to do something about it—to stand up to them, to teach them a lesson—but deep inside he knew better. So he didn't say another word about it because Adam was right; there was nothing he could do.

They quietly slipped out the side entrance—where they hopefully wouldn’t be spotted—and headed wordlessly back towards Mark's house. None were too happy about having to leave but they'd already taken a fair enough beating. No one said anything about the bruises and cuts and shame of defeat. The thrill had long been forgotten. They ended up spending the rest of their night in darkness and silence, eventually falling asleep sprawled across Mark’s bedroom floor.

It was only the next morning when Davey stumbled downstairs to grab some breakfast that it hit him—he _had_ seen Jade in the cafeteria once before and they had exchanged a few words. He really wished he could have gotten to know him better; he seemed like a cool guy. Well, whatever. It didn’t really matter. He pushed the thought from his mind in favor of a bowl of cereal and Saturday morning cartoons.

* * *

Despite what he’d thought, that event proved to be only a starting point, a precursor for what the future would hold. No matter what he did, he wouldn’t be able to shake the band from his memory, or from his life. That Friday night marked the beginning of his thirteen year long allegiance to the band as well as his thirteen year long fascination with Jade.


	2. Chapter 1: To Be Trapped in Domestic Disgrace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Chapter Notes: Updating at 4:30AM, oi! School has definitely killed me, so it took me longer than I'd warranted to get this edited. I had a lot of work to do to fix it up. This chapter was a beast to work with. It was difficult, argh. And I honestly don't know how long it'll take to fix the third chapter up. I'm guessing a long time.
> 
> Thank you to my lovely betas Hellion, Jade Havok 13, and (my sister) Angel for helping me rework this chapter! Seriously, I owe you guys big time. *heart*
> 
> Disclaimer: These are mere characters based on the members of AFI and those affiliated with the band (not the real people, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

Davey heaved a fluttering sigh as he let the pages of his new _Guitar World_ magazine fall shut. Leaning back in the seat at his polished desk, he folded his hands behind his head and stared out the window, deep in thought. The only reason he’d purchased the December edition was because it featured _him_. He knew it was silly for a man of his age to harbor a celebrity crush but he couldn’t very well help it. He’d been following Loose Change ever since he’d first heard them play at that small, cramped, run-down venue years ago.

Since then, he'd bought every album the band had released, as well as EPs and singles. He'd attended every show he could manage. He'd bought every magazine that had featured interviews of the band, particularly Jade. The more he found out about this man, the more he felt he loved him. They had a lot in common—similar backgrounds, similar interests, similar tastes in music. Jade might not have called himself straight edge, but he was drug free, just like Davey was. He might not have been vegan, but he was vegetarian. He seemed like a really nice person—and funny too. Everything he did or said only made Davey adore him more. He honestly thought Jade was amazing.

Realizing he was letting his obsession get the better of him, he groaned inwardly and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to chase such thoughts out of his head. He needed to stop focusing on someone who was completely out of his reach, who was only good for silly fantasies, and focus on the here and the now—his _real_ life and his very _real_ job. Staring in dismay at the pile of work before him, he thought about how working as an editor for a fashion magazine wasn’t exactly what he’d envisioned himself doing for the rest of his life. Even though it hadn’t been his first choice, at least his parents were proud of him and he was still close to his family as well as some of his old high school friends. He couldn’t really complain if he thought about it that way.

But sometimes, he just wished that he could have a life like _that_ , a life where he could just make music and share his passion with others, a life where he, too, was put on a pedestal of near godlike status and adored, a life shared with friends, family, and bands alike and...Jade. His face grew hot. _That_ was immature. He needed to stop thinking along that vein.

Yet he couldn't. He never had stopped living with his hopes and expectations higher than high, secretly thinking he’d live and act out his dreams and fantasies. True, he and Adam had tried to start a hardcore band. They'd called themselves AFI and even put out an EP—but then...college happened. They'd disbanded and just never gotten back to it, each member going his separate way. Davey had ended up double majoring in Psychology and English and his parents had just been so proud of him. He'd wanted to follow his dreams but...real life and complications with his friends just wouldn't allow it. So here he was stuck behind a desk and trying as hard as he possibly could to forget what could have been, to move on with his life. He really wanted to be satisfied with what he had but he didn't know if he could do it.

Things that most people would’ve been more than happy about didn’t even begin to sate his needs. There were moments where he was content but in all honesty he felt like he had been consumed by a huge void. He missed being in a band. _That_ had been what he’d wanted to do, always wanted to do. Since he couldn’t live his dream, he felt as though he wasn’t really living life the way it was meant to be. He felt like he was trapped in a life meant for someone else.

Pulling himself from his thoughts, he glanced at the clock—twelve-thirty. His lunch break was over and it was time for him to get back to work. Feeling moody, he turned back to his computer and stared at the document he'd been working on before lunch. Some days, he really hated his job.

* * *

Five-fifteen—Davey glanced at the clock on the wall as he stepped out of the elevator and onto the first floor. A wave of relief washed over him at the knowledge that it was Friday and the work day was over. Now he could finally go home and shower, letting all the stress from the work-week wash down the drain. It would be nice to relax for a change since he didn’t have any articles to go over during the weekend. He planned to take advantage of that time, too; he and Adam had decided to meet for dinner before he headed out for a night on the town. True, it would’ve been nice to rest at home but his troubles had been building up to the point that he was bursting with energy. Knowing that he was that much closer to seeing Loose Change play only added to his excitement. There was a show in San Francisco the following week that he’d been looking forward to for ages. Maybe this time, he could finally meet Jade afterward. He'd met two of the other members before, but for whatever reason, Jade had never been around when he was so the possibility of talking to him only made him giddier.

“Hey, Dave!” A cheerful voice called, pulling him out of his thoughts.

He turned to see his friend Brittany behind him. “Oh, hi!” He paused, eyes dropping to the stack of papers she held in her arms. Pointing slightly, he said, “That's a lot of work you got there.”

“Yeah, I'm behind on my project,” She replied, tossing her dark hair away from her face. “But it's not my fault. Ms. Andrew keeps making me redo it.” She made a face as she held up what looked like the cover of the next issue. “It sucks because I've been working on this all week, so I hope she likes at least one of these.”

Davey glanced at the cover design, then nodded approvingly. “Well, it looks good to me. I'm sure she'll take it.”

Brittany sighed. “I really hope so. This time I made more than one just in case. But with the way my luck's going, she'll hate them all.”

Davey inwardly groaned at the thought of their boss, Ms. Andrew, who was horribly hard to please. She was notorious throughout the business for being adamant on getting her way and her way only, even if it meant an employee had to redo a project and pull overtime to meet her strict deadlines.

Smiling sympathetically, Davey placed a hand on her shoulder. “Try not to worry too much. She has to accept one eventually.”

“Yeah, that's true,” She murmured, tearing her gaze from his to look at the clock. “Ugh! I'd better get going.” Here, she paused to lean in and whisper hoarsely, “She's waiting for me.”

He couldn’t help but laugh, though he pitied her. “Okay, see you later.”

“Yeah, on Monday,” She laughed as well, brushing past him. “Bye.”

“Okay, good luck!” He called to her as she hurried down the hall. She paused only to flash a cocky grin over her shoulder.

He shook his head slightly as he made his way out of the building, calling a quick good-bye to Lauren at the front. Sometimes, seeing his friends and watching the pretty girls filter through the building were the only reasons work was bearable. He couldn't deny that he did enjoy watching and interacting with the models. That was one of the perks of working in the fashion industry. Still, he would've greatly preferred to have worked as an editor for another magazine…something having to do with music. However, he was lucky to even have a job at all, and he was sure he’d find something better in time.

He made his way through the parking lot, humming softly to himself. Just as he was unlocking his car door, his phone vibrated demandingly, tearing him from his wistful thoughts. Flipping it open, he snuck a glance at the caller I.D. before speaking. “Hello?”

“Hey,” Adam chuckled almost nervously in response, “You finally picked up.”

“Yeah, sorry I missed your call earlier,” Davey smiled, lightly swinging the door back and forth. “So, what's up?”

“Oh…nothing much,” Adam replied quietly, tone growing more serious, “Just wanted to make sure you hadn't forgotten about tonight. Um, actually, I was wondering if you could meet me early.” He paused for a long moment and when he spoke again, his voice sounded a little strained. “There's a lot I want to talk about.”

Davey slipped into the front seat, then carefully shut the door. He was confused over the change of plans—as well as Adam’s odd behavior—but he was more than willing to comply. “Oh, well, that’s fine.” He paused, but Adam didn’t say anything, so he continued, worried. “Hey, is everything okay?”

Sounding as though he’d been shaken from his thoughts, Adam blurted, “Oh, yeah…”

“Are you sure?” Davey cringed a little. Adam certainly didn’t sound fine.

“Yeah, just…” The other man paused, distracted. “Can you meet me soon? It’s important.”

“Of course.” Davey toyed with the rearview mirror, then sank back into the cushion. “How much earlier do you want to meet? I still have to run home to shower and change.”

There was a short pause as Adam mulled over this information. Finally, he asked, “Oh, well…Think you could meet me in…an hour and a half?”

“Um,” Davey fumbled to start the car, then tucked his fringe behind his ear, picking slightly at the ends. “I can try. It’ll take me awhile to get ready. You know how that is.”

Adam laughed weakly, forcibly, almost as though he were trying to seem normal. “Yeah, you’re about as bad as a woman.” He coughed.

“Hey, it's not a bad thing to go clean and look nice.” Davey tried to sound offended, but he couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face.

“Yeah, I know.” Davey could just imagine Adam rolling his eyes. “Well, I'll wait for you. I’ll be at our usual table.”

“Oh, the one in the back?” Davey paused, as Adam mumbled an affirmation. Then, unable to contain himself, he gently teased, “So we can be alone and have a romantic candlelit dinner, right?” Almost as soon as the words had tumbled from his mouth, he regretted them. Biting his lip, he fidgeted, knowing he should apologize as the shocked, uncomfortable silence weighed down on him. “Um, sorry. I was joking. I didn’t mean to sound like—”

Adam laughed weakly, hurriedly interrupting him. “Uh, it’s okay...Don’t worry about it.” Again, he paused, a stifled sigh making itself known. “Hey, um, I've got to go now. I'll see you soon.” His voice strained again.

Now Davey knew he’d been wrong. Even if he had only been joking, and even if it had been spoken out of careless habit, it hadn’t been appropriate. He worried he'd crossed some invisible line that hadn't existed before. Usually Adam was more good-natured about Davey’s advances, and would play along or joke back but something had suddenly changed. “Oh…okay. I'll be there in a bit.” He found himself mumbling.

“Yeah. Well, bye.” Adam hung up before waiting for a response.

Davey shut his phone and stared up at the rear-view mirror, taking note of his furrowed eyebrows and taut mouth. There was a slight churning in his gut as he carefully backed out of his parking space and slipped out onto the main road. Replaying the conversation in his mind over and over, he realized that Adam had been nervous and uptight the entire time they'd been talking. Maybe he’d done something wrong. Thinking back on his choice of words, it didn't sound too promising. _There's a lot I want to talk about._ What did that mean? The fact that Adam had wanted to meet much earlier than planned and then had hung up so abruptly was quite uncharacteristic of him too. Normally he was so laid-back. Maybe something bad had happened.

He flipped through his mental notes, searching for something he could remember to indicate what this might mean. As long as he'd known Adam, the other had only acted tense when something was really bothering him and weighing down on him, something that he'd harbored inside and tried his best to heal and forget, until he cracked. He didn't want to burden others with his problems, but he was only human. When it became too much for him to handle he had to have someone to turn to. Granted, this behavior didn't happen often—only when it was something truly big—and that was why Davey worried.

Luckily, despite being distracted and nearly causing several accidents, he managed to get home in one piece. Figuring he had enough time to go through his usual routine, he headed to his room to pick out an outfit and shower. However, he felt like he was only going through the motions; his mind was preoccupied with worry for Adam's well-being. The faster he finished, he decided, the faster he could get to the restaurant and set his mind at ease.

* * *

“Table for one?”

Davey blinked, his vision barely adjusting to the darkened interior of the restaurant. Realizing that the hostess had been addressing him, he quickly shook his head. “Oh, no, thank you. I'm meeting a friend here...Adam Carson?”

The woman smiled pleasantly and grabbed an extra menu. “Oh, yes. Follow me.”

He trudged behind her, mind swimming and stomach clenching. He was trying not to be so nervous but he just had a bad feeling he couldn’t seem to shake.

They approached the table where Adam was already seated. Davey smiled and murmured a 'thank you' to the hostess as she placed the menu on the table, then left. Quickly, Davey pushed all negative thoughts aside and slipped into the booth opposite his friend. He peered into Adam's face with inquisitive dark eyes, wondering what was going through his mind. As it was, he couldn’t tell. The other man kept slowly stirring his coffee around, staring into the dark liquid as though it held the answers to all his problems. He didn't meet Davey's gaze, even when he was addressed.

“Um, hey.”

Adam returned the greeting without looking up. “Hi.”

A long silence passed between them as each kept to his own thoughts. Davey rested his chin in his hand, staring absentmindedly out the blue-tinted window at the parking lot and scraggly trees. Maybe if he didn't focus intently on Adam, the other would take the few moments he needed to adjust and then open up. Davey knew that he could be rather intimidating with how quickly he latched onto his friend and how quickly he launched into emotional intimacy with him. Adam needed more space than he thought he could give; he needed room to breathe.

Several moments passed and Davey finally cracked open his menu, pretending to mull over his choices although he already knew what he wanted. Every so often, he peeked over the edge to look at Adam, who remained silent. Within a few minutes, a waitress came up to take their orders. Each placed his order mechanically, then lapsed back into discomfort. Davey shifted in his seat and cleared his throat slightly.

Adam finally looked up, letting his silverware clatter against the ceramic of his coffee cup. He folded his hands on the table and stared at Davey in all seriousness. “So. What's up?”

Davey was a little taken aback by the question because, obviously, Adam was putting off what he really wanted to talk about and he was usually a pretty straight-forward guy. “Well, not much except I'm worried about you. What's up with you?”

Adam's chin dropped slightly and he rubbed the back of his neck, bothered. He was quiet, his eyes directed up towards the waitress as she returned to the table with a cup of tea, which she set in front of Davey. He muttered his gratitude, but his eyes didn't move from Adam.

As soon as she'd left hearing range, Adam lifted his own cup to his lips, taking a long sip before he responded. “Nothing too big, so don't worry. I’m fine.” He placed his cup back on the table with a loud clink.

“How can you expect me not to worry when you're acting like this? You’re not fine. What's going on?” Davey stared at him incredulously. He propped his chin on the heel of his hand, head tilting to one side as he regarded him with a soul-searching gaze. He felt Adam's eyes boring into him, directed on his mouth.

“Well, uh,” Adam nervously scratched the side of his neck, swallowing a little, “It’s just that…Things are changing and I’m not sure what to think.”

Davey couldn’t help but feel as though Adam was stalling for time, fumbling for something, anything, to say that would alleviate him of a scrutinizing gaze. “Oh?” He quirked an eyebrow, lips pursed.

Adam nodded briefly, his eyes locked on the silver ring of metal through Davey's lower lip. “Yeah.” He took a deep breath. “For one thing, I got the job.”

“You did?” Davey smiled widely. “Awesome!”

“Yeah.” Adam fingered the handle on his cup, avoiding Davey's gaze.

Slowly, Davey's smile dissipated. He leaned forward a little, concern etching creases in his forehead. “You're not happy about this, are you?”

Shaking his head, Adam muttered, “No, I'm not.”

Davey paused, trying to understand. He couldn't. It didn't make any sense. For months, Adam had been searching for a job as a management consultant. He'd been trying to get into a prestigious agency and Davey had just assumed that he’d landed the position but from the way he was acting now, maybe that wasn't the case.

Lighting his hand on Adam's arm, he asked quietly, “Why?” Adam said nothing in return, only stared blankly, so Davey tried again. “Why aren’t you happy? I thought you wanted this.”

Adam groaned and rolled his head against the back of the booth. “Not exactly.”

Licking his lips, Davey tried to think of the best way to approach this. Adam obviously didn't want to talk about it anymore, but he really needed to. He had to try to coax the information out. “What do you mean? You didn't want the job after all? But…you said—”

“I wanted it but...I didn't _want_ it, you know?” Adam clarified, blinking hard and shaking his head. He placed his arms on the table, leaning on them. “I need the money so it’s the best choice. But I feel like I’m going nowhere.”

Davey nodded slowly, beginning to understand. “I know. It sucks but...we do the best we can. You have to deal with it until something better comes along.” He took a small sip of his drink, staring at Adam's downcast, nervous expression. “Hey, it'll be okay. I'm sure this is an opportunity. You can use this door to open other doors. You can make this work.” He smiled warmly, giving the other man's arm a squeeze.

A flicker of a smile passed over Adam's face and he placed a hand over Davey's, wrapping his fingers around it and applying a slight pressure. “You're right. Maybe I’m getting worked up over nothing.” Laughing shortly, he shook his head. “I’ve just had too much on my mind to think straight.”

“It's okay,” Davey murmured, patting his arm, “Everyone goes through that initial stage of doubt. But you'll get over it and it'll be fine. You'll fall into the routine.”

“See, routine is sort of what I wanted to avoid. But I guess I'll make up for it in other aspects of my life.” Shrugging, he took another drink of his coffee.

“Yeah, that's the way to think. I don't always enjoy my work but there are good things about it. Little things make life bearable.” His smile faltered slightly as his mind shifted to Loose Change. _They made his life bearable._

“You have the right idea,” Adam laughed, a genuine smile lighting up his features. His bright blue eyes twinkled as they met Davey's. “Man, I'm so glad I have a friend like you to talk me through all this crap.”

“Of course. I mean, what are friends for?” Davey laughed and plucked a few packets of sugar from the container on the table, to sweeten his tea. He pulled his hand from Adam's, noting that the other's touch momentarily lingered on his skin.

Gradually, Adam withdrew his hand, allowing it to slip back to the table while he stared at it, distracted. “Yeah, we're lucky to have stayed friends so long. Most people just...go away.” Adam stirred his coffee again, not seeming to know what to do with his hands. He looked as though he were lost in thought.

Ripping another packet of sugar open, Davey poured the contents into his mug, frowning slightly as he pondered his friend’s strange behavior. He still wasn’t quite acting himself. “Adam...”

The other lifted his gaze, surprised. “Huh?”

“What's bothering you?”

Adam’s mouth opened and closed a few times. Sputtering, he mumbled, “I just…think I’m not getting anywhere and—”

Davey knew what he was going to say before he said it. Groaning, he shoved at his friend’s arm, irritated. “Come on; don't pull any bullshit on me. It’s not the job. It’s something else, isn’t it?”

Knowing he was cornered, Adam sighed his defeat and held up his hands in mock-surrender. “Okay, you got me…” He faltered, looking as though he were debating with himself. Then, he peered up at Davey’s expectant, pointed gaze. “You're not going to leave me alone until I tell you, are you?”

“Nope,” Davey replied, suppressing his victorious smirk. “It's my duty as your best friend.”

“What—to keep bothering me until I tell you?” Adam couldn't help but grin, amused.

“Yeah. Now stop putting it off. We both know that you dragged me down here early for a reason.” Davey clasped his hands on the table and looked at him with rapt attention. “So, what's going on?”

“Well,” Adam took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Some...old...um...” He paused, suddenly seeming uncomfortable. “Look, I want to talk about this but...it's not easy, okay? I don't like talking about...feelings.”

Davey scoffed. “You don't like talking about feelings? Yes, you do!”

“No, it's not like—I kind of meant that—” Adam fumbled with his words.

“Relax...I won't judge you. Whatever it is, I won't tease you. Promise.” Davey offered a sincere smile.

“I know, but it's not easy,” Adam muttered, running a hand through his short hair. “This has been bothering me for a long time and...It's going to be awkward.” His brow furrowed deeper in frustration and his body tensed.

Shrugging his shoulders, Davey leaned back in his seat. “Just go for it.” If it was bothering Adam that badly, it would be best if he let it out while he still had the resolve to do so. Seeing the pathetic, helpless expression on Adam's face, he took pity on him. However, there wasn’t anything he could do if he didn’t know what was wrong. So he did his best to remain open and encouraging.

“Well,” Adam began, forcing himself to look Davey in the eye, “I know I can trust you with the, uh, first part of the problem. You'll understand.”

“Go on,” Davey urged, taking a sip of his cooling tea.

After a couple of deep breaths, Adam took the plunge. “Okay, so there's...” He paused, picking at his napkin, then shifted uncomfortably. “...there's a guy I've been attracted to for a long time. And, well, it's not because I'm normally into guys or anything. I mean, I wasn't attracted to him until I'd known him for a long time.” Face turning bright red, Adam snapped his mouth shut.

Davey breathed a lengthy sigh, rolling his eyes. “Don't feel so awkward about it. Everyone has had that experience at least once. It doesn't mean you're gay or anything.”

Adam echoed a sigh before speaking again. “I know I'm not gay. Even if I was, it wouldn't bother me. I think it's unlikely I'd suddenly turn into something I never was, though.”

Shrugging, Davey asked, “Are you sure it's not a man crush? It sounds like one to me.”

Adam took a moment to let Davey’s words sink in, eyes still trained on the table but brow furrowed. When he spoke again, though, his words all came out in a fumbled rush, slipping and sliding over each other in frustration. “I know it's not. A man crush is like how you feel about Morrissey or Robert Smith. But this is different because I know this guy really well. I've known him for years, actually. And I feel the same way I would about a girl.” He peered up at Davey’s surprised eyes with an earnest gaze.

“Oh…I, uh, see…” Davey smiled apologetically.

“Yeah, well, that's only half of it.” Adam blew out the long breath he'd been holding in. “I've kept this to myself for too long. It's about time I let it go because we're not getting any younger.”

Davey didn't say anything; he only nodded for Adam to continue. It bothered him how Adam was finding this conversation so difficult. They had been close since high school and had been completely comfortable talking about anything with each other—until now. Davey wasn’t stupid; he had a good idea why Adam was so nervous but he dared not allow himself to think it. After all, what if he was wrong? He didn’t like jumping to conclusions and, truth be told, the very possibility made his stomach twist in apprehension.

“Um,” Adam took his hand, squeezing it tightly. His eyes were sincere, pleading with him. “I don't want to make you uncomfortable. And I'm not asking you to do anything. All I want to know is that no matter what I say, you won't think of me any differently.”

Davey raised his eyebrows. “What? Why would I ever do that? You know that nothing you do or say would ever make me think of you differently. You're my best friend—no matter what. You _know_ that already.” He stopped, biting back the wave of guilt and anxiety. Not only did it upset him that Adam couldn’t trust him, but it also upset him to think that his friend might have a very good reason for feeling that way.

“Okay, then I guess I'll just say it.” Breathing deeply, he finally lifted his eyes, locking them with Davey’s. “The thing is...it’s you.”

No words were exchanged between the two. They remained locked in the staring contest. Davey gave Adam’s hand a tiny, half-hearted squeeze, then gently slipped his hand from the other’s grasp. His heart was pounding and he could feel the pressure throbbing, resounding, in his head. He'd suspected this had been coming but it still didn't prepare him for the shock of actually hearing it spoken. Astounded and tongue-tied, he picked at his chipping nail polish. Suddenly, he didn’t know what to say. He should know, and Adam wanted him to say something, anything, to indicate that it was going to be all right, that nothing was going to change…but he couldn’t seem to find his tongue. He wasn’t sure what he thought about it now that the confession had been spoken. Half of him was incredibly flattered, touched. The other half was very worried that it would affect their friendship in a negative sense. Had this come about because of his constant flirting? Maybe he should tell him that…No, it would only rub salt in the wound to remind him that he flirted with everyone and he only loved him as a friend—actually, not just a friend. He was closer than family. As it was now, Davey was finding it hard to picture himself returning Adam's sentiments in the same way, although that could change.

The waitress chose that moment to return, placing their food on the table and apologizing for the long wait. Davey barely heard himself murmuring that it was all right. He stared down at his food, appetite completely gone as he realized just how shallow and dense he was. How could he live with himself for wanting something he knew he couldn’t have when something much better was before his eyes? He just couldn’t be satisfied with the norm and that wasn’t good. It wasn’t like Adam had never shown his affection, either. Thinking back, Adam had always shown extra care and tenderness towards him. Perhaps he had taken Davey’s gestures the wrong way, thinking they were more than friendly. At this point it didn’t really matter whether he had or not, though; what mattered was that Davey was disappointed and bothered by the revelation when he should’ve been fine with it.

“Dave?” Adam prodded him from his thoughts gently, voice uncertain.

“Oh, um,” Davey ran his hand through his dark brown fringe, twisting the strands around his fingers and tucking them behind his ear, “I...I don't know what to say.” He finally admitted, still averting his eyes, “I'm really flattered but...I can't say I feel the same. Sorry.” He offered a wan smile, inwardly wincing at how unprepared he was. His words sounded so…hollow, fake. Guilt washed over him again, holding him tightly in its grasp.

Adam returned the smile, but it faltered. “It's okay. I didn't expect you to. I just...needed to get it off my chest.”

“Yeah.”

Silence. The clatter of cutlery occupied the background.

“So...”

“So?”

“Is everything...you know...okay between us?” Adam looked nervous again.

“Oh, yeah, of course!” Davey quickly waved it off the best he could, though it was hard to ignore the weak sensation in his stomach. He was worried that this might change things. He knew he wasn't helping with the way he was reacting but it was just too awkward right now. Feeling as though he had to say something more to get the point across to himself—and to Adam—he hurriedly tacked on, “I mean…it's not going to change anything. Don't worry.” But behind his forced smile, his eyes screamed insecurity. He _didn't_ know if things would be the same. It wasn’t Adam’s fault though; it wasn’t really what he had revealed to him as much as what he had unknowingly dug up from the deepest, darkest recesses of Davey’s subconscious. He’d always been aware of the fact that he was letting fantasy get in the way of his reality, but it had never been detrimental to him until now. Now he was certain, more than ever, that he’d let things slide out of control.

To add to his burden…now he'd be worrying that everything he did would make Adam believe he was just leading him on. Every little gesture of friendly affection might be misread as something more. Deep inside he tried to convince himself that he was being ridiculous. He knew better than this. Adam would understand. So why did it bother him so much? Maybe it bothered him because it was true. It wasn’t Adam’s fault if he took the closeness as a sign of affection; it was Davey’s fault for truly making it seem that way.

Adam sensed his concern and discomfort. Sighing, he looked out the window. “No, it’s not okay, is it? I can tell it’s not. You’re uncomfortable.”

“Um, well,” Davey twisted his napkin anxiously, deciding it was best to be honest. He tried to assure Adam…and himself. “Of course I’m a little uncomfortable. But it’s okay.”

Swallowing audibly, Adam drummed his fingers on the table, face tinged pink. He hung his head so Davey couldn’t see his expression. “Maybe we need some time to think about this.” He paused to slide out of the booth, fumbling with his wallet.

Davey watched him, alarm building up inside of him. “No, it’s okay, honestly.”

Placing a few dollar bills on the table, he pushed them towards Davey without meeting his eyes. “Just…take this to pay…um…I’m just going to go now.” He finally glanced up awkwardly, jutting his thumb towards the door.

“Wait, you don't have to go—”

“Uh, see you later,”

“Adam, wait! It’s not that—”

His words were spoken in vain. Adam had already made his way to the front of the restaurant, walking briskly with his head down. Davey watched with a sinking heart as the other man swung open the door and hurried out, hands jammed in his pockets. If he hadn’t known Adam better, he would've sworn that he was upset with him—but he knew the other was only embarrassed and upset with himself.

Sighing, he screwed his eyes shut and slammed his head against the back of the booth. It was his fault that this hadn’t gone smoothly, that Adam couldn’t trust him. After all, he was the one who had made Adam feel awkward. No matter what the situation was, he always had to fuck everything up.


	3. Chapter 2: Can't Stop for the Fear of Silent Nights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Chapter Notes: I apologize for taking so long to update. First, I had to finish the story because I didn't feel like I could edit it properly otherwise. Then I waffled for months about whether or not to cut this chapter and the next. But my friends told me to keep them, and I decided to keep them as well. So here we go. And I hope to update this story consistently every other Saturday.
> 
> Special thanks to Hellion for beta-ing, SnuffOnDigital37 for reading it in advance and encouraging me to post it, and poetic_elegance for giving me hardcore advice and helping me rewrite it. I really appreciate everyone who's helped, and I hope I did not forget anyone.
> 
> Note: The girlfriend mentioned in this chapter IS NOT MARISSA.  
> Disclaimer: These are mere characters based on the members of AFI (not the real members, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

To be blissfully ignorant was a concept Jade was quite familiar with, a concept that he acknowledged as fact. And it came with age, with revelations and knowledge, that the bliss and joy slowly faded and gave way to an ugly, wretched reality. The dreams he'd thought he'd wanted weren't enough, weren't true to what he'd thought they were. Fame, fortune—it really didn't matter as much anymore. It brought him very little but took away very much. And although he'd lost a lot over the years as a musician, lost a lot over the years as a poorly constructed human being, losing her had been the final straw.

He could still see her, almost as though he could reach out and touch her and she'd still be there, smiling and asking him about his day, helping him prepare dinner. Though his life was hectic, it’d been times like those they’d felt calm, normal, at complete ease. It’d been during those times that he’d shared and bonded the most with her, and over the five years they'd been together, they'd learned and loved and fought and lost in that kitchen. Honestly, he wouldn't have traded her if his life had depended on it. True, she had her flaws; she could be manipulative and she wasn't always faithful, but she’d never failed to apologize, never failed to feel terrible for treating him that way. And even though he knew it wasn't exactly right, he’d stuck it out because he loved her, and she’d always forgiven him when he’d fucked up. She'd been worried he'd eventually get sick of her mistakes, had cried about it many a night, but he'd assured her if she was truly sorry and truly kept working on it, he'd forgive her. After all, wasn't that what he was supposed to do?

He'd thought so at least, until the cheating became more frequent and went further and further. Part of him thought it was just because he was on tour; besides, she’d just kept saying it was a weakness of hers and she'd get better. He could understand that weakness because he had it too; though his stomach had churned and warned him things were turning sour very quickly, though he’d known deep down that it wasn't right because he wasn't doing the same to her despite his weaknesses, he’d bitten it all back and made excuses for her.

The last time Loose Change had been on tour had, undoubtedly, been the worst. It'd been exhausting, the temptations had been just in his reach, and his relationship had all but fallen through. Nights spent on the phone had been mostly silent, and he'd felt his heart breaking because he'd known what this signaled, known what this meant. Still, he'd sat out on the balcony with her, even at a distance and only through the phone lines, and had stared up at the vast expanse of blackened sky, listening to the crackle and buzz of static, listening to her sigh and occasionally ask him when he was going to come home, when he was finally going to give this up. His job had worn him down to the bone and they'd both known it. She'd expressed her concern, wanted to protect him from it, but how could she when she hadn't been able to protect herself? The fame was a stigma and not only was he cursed with it, but so was she.

Every night was another never-ending blur of sweat, screaming crowds, and adrenaline. Every night wore his last nerves a bit thinner, pushed him closer to the edge. Swarms of people and flashing lights clouded his mind day and night, haunting him even in his dreams. Sometimes, in some occasions, he almost felt like he couldn't go anywhere anymore. It wasn't to that point yet, but he could feel it reaching and stretching to get there, to push him off the precipice he teetered on. The only reason he still hung on was because he had to, because he was just barely strong enough. And when all else failed, talking to her had been the reason he remained rooted in reality; she hadn’t cared who he was. She knew every dirty and ugly thing about him, and she’d still loved him.

However, when flaws outshone love, it wasn't enough.

It’d built to a tumultuous point. Perhaps his condition had taken a toll on her and her mental health too. So when he’d caught them together, giving each other too much of themselves, he’d been frozen, slack-jawed. And as he'd snapped, as he'd confronted them, everything bore down on him until he couldn't take it anymore. He'd wanted to break up with her right then and there, but something in her eyes, something soft and scared like a doe, had made him reconsider. She'd apologized, she'd made a conscious effort to change, but in the end, it just _wasn't enough._

  


_I'm sorry. I'm leaving._

It’d been two months after he’d known their relationship was as good as over that he'd received the note. He’d known it was coming for a long time but it still hurt every ounce—if not more—he'd imagined it would. In the end, he’d known she wouldn't be able to change, and that the relationship was bad for him, bad for her. Though she'd claimed it wasn't the case, he'd still known she'd been seeing _him_ behind his back—but he'd let her convince him otherwise. He'd let her use him.

_Fooled once, shame on you. Fooled twice, shame on me._ It rang through his head uncomfortably loud, mocking.

Nothing was more fitting for the situation, it seemed.

It’d been exactly ten months, two weeks, and five days since he'd discovered them, and he didn't feel much better about it—not at all. In the past couple of months, since she'd walked out of his life, he'd been a wreck—even more so than he’d already been before he’d met her. If his mind had been a house, it would have been a shack before she'd left. Every day, another nail, board, or shingle had fallen out. He'd deteriorated to the point that even a small gust of wind would have blown him over. Then this had happened, and that little shack, barely sturdy or standing at all, had crumbled and fallen into a heap of dust from the hurricane of emotional turmoil. He’d just fallen completely apart. Gone ballistic. Lost his mind. Fucked up on everything and everyone. He didn't blame his friends—or anyone else who found out the truth—for thinking ill of him because he richly deserved it.

Everyone else thought he was just so goddamn perfect—but he wasn't. He was the weakest human anyone had ever met, and everything the public saw was so fucking fake. He was barely holding his image together. If it hadn't been for his younger brother—and band manager—Smith, then he surely would've been thrown to the media wolves already. The press would’ve had a field day if they’d known what atrocities he'd been committing. He was the epitome of immorality.

Indeed, some role model he was now, caving into the temptations he'd supposedly denounced and given up years ago—sleeping with every groupie he came across after every show. He was just so miserable, and his bad habits were only making it worse. It made him hate himself but he couldn't think of a more fitting way to smother—and sharpen—the agony. Even if he’d never been good with break-ups, it was the fame that did him in this time.

But this was much worse than anything he'd ever experienced before. He’d shared everything with her, asked her to share her life with him. Now that she was gone, the heartache was excruciating, and the stress of constantly being on the road, in the spotlight, was too much to take. If only he could transfer even a _fragment_ of that pain to one of these girls. He knew it was wrong to just pick up a fan—a groupie—and fuck with her and then tell her to get out, but he just couldn’t care anymore. It wasn’t like this type of behavior was new to him anyway. Before he'd decided to settle into monogamy, he’d done it plenty and even gloated about it. But then the fame had gotten the better of him, nearly destroyed him. It was when he met _her_ that he thought he could put his life back in order, put himself back together. Some joke that was.

It seemed as though Smith was the only one who truly understood and knew what was happening. Not even Chon had the slightest idea what he was going through right now. He knew something was wrong but he didn't know exactly what, and no matter what he said he wasn't helping and Jade wasn't going to stop. It didn't matter to him anymore if it _did_ get out to the press. He just didn't fucking _care._

And that was why Smith had to work so hard to cover it up for the rest of the band's sake—because Jade didn't fucking care.

Coming halfway down to reality, Jade pressed his cheek against the cold glass of the tour bus, his breath coming out in warm, moist puffs of fog. He knew he looked miserable but he wasn't even going to try to cover it up anymore. He was sick of being on the road, sick of being hurt by everyone he knew, sick of being exposed and vulnerable and naked. The scab had been picked at time and time again, never fully healing before it was scratched open to bleed once more. It didn't help that his ex-girlfriend and _that person_ were constantly in the spotlight of the media. Just thinking about them made him want to throw up. _He_ was so much better for her than Jade had ever been. For one thing, he could actually make her happy, satisfy her, be there for her without fucking everything up, without being fucked up. After all, he was mentally stable; his depression wasn’t a burden to her.

He sighed heavily, squeezing his eyes shut. His head ached and throbbed so insistently that he felt like he was going to be sick. All he wanted at this point was to go home, but they had a tour to do and there was no way out of it. He was too tired to continue. If they had to keep going though, he could only hope they’d get to the hotel soon so he could curl up in a shivering mass underneath the sheets and just relinquish himself to sleep.

Nate suddenly popped out of the back, interrupting Jade’s downward spiral with an unwelcome greeting. “Hey.” He paused as he flopped beside him, soda in hand, grinning cheekily and playfully punching him in the shoulder. Even though he was just trying to be friendly and cheer him up, it wasn't working. Worse, it was having the opposite effect.

Jade didn't really have the energy to reply. He simply lifted his head to stare at him, then dropped it back against the glass, glad his hair was concealing his expression. The last thing he wanted was for Nate to catch him at his ultimate moment of weakness, though he was sure that was inevitable in the long run.

Much to his dismay, Nate reached up and brushed his bleached fringe away from his eye, staring him straight in the face. Oh, right. Not only was he insensitive, but he was also nosy. “What are you so cranky about?”

Jade swatted at him, then let his arm drop to his lap, feeling heavy as lead. “I don't feel well. Please leave me alone.” It was the truth. He suddenly felt very queasy again. Vaguely, he wondered if he really would vomit.

“No can do.” Nate leaned closer. “C'mon. You've been really fucked up. Talk to me.”

Jade gave a half-hearted snort. “Yeah, tell me something I don't know.”

Nate observed him for a long moment, concentrated frown dominating his face. Finally having reached a conclusion, he sighed and pointed out none too gently, “Hey, you’ve got to get over her.” He ran a hand through his hair, worry clouding his features. “I know how much she meant to you but she's just another slut. You can't keep focusing on the past because it's over.” Great. Just what Jade needed to hear.

“I know.” Jade grimaced. “It was my fault. I was stupid.”

Nate paused to think it over, then agreed, “Yeah, it was. But you always get caught in these situations. You got a thing for slutty girls.” He took a sloppy swig of his Pepsi.

If they'd been younger and if Jade had had more energy, that comment would've earned him a good punch in the stomach or in the face. Leave it to Nate to be brutally honest with him, even if he didn’t appreciate it or want him to be. He knew he could be blunt and didn't think his comments through that well but _damn_. It caused that familiar, uncomfortable churning in his stomach to resume.

“Could you just leave me alone?” Jade grumbled, hunching his shoulders. His eyes narrowed into dangerous slits as he pulled his knees closer to his chest, withdrawing into himself. If Nate got any closer or said anything else offensive, he swore he'd just snap. As it was, he was on the verge of a breakdown. All it would take would be one more off comment, one more ill-contrived gesture, one more unfavorable event, and it would _all_ be fucking over.

Nate, however, didn't seem to understand this. Jade swore that he became less and less in tune with him every single day; he swore the rift between them was growing to cataclysmic proportions. “God, Jade, stop being such a pussy. Get over it, already. The bitch has been gone for almost a whole goddamn year, geez.”

This was too far. It was one thing that he and Nate had grown apart and chosen separate lifestyles but it was another thing that Nate could never seem to understand him anymore and always called him on his poor decisions, while he practiced what he preached against. They just couldn’t get along like they’d used to, and he couldn’t stand to be around him all the time anymore, and he felt like such a huge amount of resentment had built up to the point it had burst. That point was now. He felt the last of his decency and his self-control slipping away, cracking beneath the steam.

Feeling the need to lash out, to hurt him like he'd been hurt, he barked, “Fuck off already!” He shoved Nate roughly, catching him off guard, and he tumbled to the floor with a loud thud.

“Jesus,” Nate grumbled, rubbing his elbow, face twisting in a grimace. “Don't need to get your panties in a bunch.”

“You just don't know when to fucking shut up, do you?” Jade barely managed to swallow the urge to hurt him. Unconsciously, he dragged his shaking hands up his arms to his face. “I can't take it anymore.” He gasped; he was overwhelmed by such a deluge of feelings all at once. And his overloaded mind couldn't handle the pressure.

Nate stared up at him from his place on the floor, eyes a little wide. Jade couldn't tell exactly what he was thinking but he _did_ know he'd never hear the end of it now. Wasn't it so funny? Here he was in all his unrestricted glory—poor, little ol' shy and quiet Jade Puget throwing a temper tantrum.

“Just...” He gulped, nearly choking on the mouthful of air. “Just please leave me alone.” Feeling exhausted and battered, he crumpled back into the side of the window.

Nate opened his mouth to say something—God knew what he was going to say—but thankfully Smith emerged from the back and interrupted them with a quizzical stare, having overheard their exchange. All it took for anyone to know that Jade had had enough was one glance at his frail, slumped figure against the glass as he ran his hands over and over through his hair and down his face, a clear picture of an anxious meltdown at its lowest.

Smith spoke up in his favor. “Hey, Nate, maybe you should give him some room to breathe, ‘kay?” He gave Nate a little nudge towards the back.

Once he saw the look Smith gave him, Nate didn't argue. He merely mumbled something under his breath and slunk off to the back to join Levi and Chon. Smith, however, took the seat next to Jade, silent for once.

Shuddering slightly, Jade turned on his side so he was concealed from Smith’s view. A cold chill ran through his body. Maybe Nate was right. Maybe he was taking this way too hard. Every time anything went wrong, he felt like he was dying because it was just too much. Constantly being in the spotlight, constantly being judged, constantly checking himself and wondering if people meant what they said—it only made it worse. He should be able to take it. Stupid, that's what it was. He was being stupid.

Maybe that's why she—and everyone else—had left him.

This last thought sent him over the edge he'd already been perched upon so precariously. A quiet, gasping half-sob racked his body as he curled more into himself. What was wrong with him? Everything that anyone had ever done to him, everything that he'd ever fallen victim to, and everything he'd ever burdened others with hit him like a brick wall—and yet he knew it wouldn't stop. He knew he'd keep going deeper and deeper until he drowned himself in his bad choices, in his sin.

Because he wasn't human anymore. He was a celebrity.

The warm weight of Smith's hand fell upon his shoulder, fingers gripping the bony flesh in a reassuring squeeze. He felt almost like he didn't deserve his comfort or his help; after all, he was putting everyone in such an unfavorable light. It wasn't like the rest of them were perfect but Smith had to deal with their antics and now _his_ too.

He was so selfish. He mused, with an inwardly dry laugh, that it was just what rock stars did.

“Jade, you don't got to deal with this, you know.” He felt Smith's arms pulling him into a comforting embrace, hands running up and down his arms soothingly. The gesture was followed by a tiny sigh. “We can always go home for awhile if you can't handle it.”

“No.” He said it with such strong conviction he even surprised himself. To go home would be to give up the last shred of dignity and hope he had left; no matter how sick of everything he was, he couldn’t let it go just like that. “I can't go home. I don't have anything there.”

“Yes, you do,” Smith interjected, gently pushing Jade back to look at him.

 

Jade only hid his face behind his hair, ashamed. Honestly, he couldn’t think of a thing to say that would save him now; he was just so embarrassed of his childish outburst.

“Listen, I know you've been through a lot of shit. But you and I both know the reason you keep doing these shows and it's not good at all. You need to stop.”

“I know.” Jade's voice cracked slightly and he peered up at Smith with tortured eyes—but he wasn't crying. He couldn't. “I know I'm wrong. But, hey, I've already fucked up my life. Why not lose myself for a few minutes?” He stopped, then realized just how bad this sounded, so he quickly tacked on, “Playing is catharsis.”

“That's not what I'm talking about,” Smith said firmly, gripping his shoulders tighter. “I'm talking about this self-destructive shit. You got to come out of it. You got to stop before you kill yourself. What would I tell mom, huh?”

“Smith,” Jade moaned, “I'm not going to kill myself. I'm not doing anything that'd kill me.” The final word was unspoken but mutually understood— _yet_.

“Yeah, sure, not now. But it's the first step. Next thing I know, you're going to be doing everything else. You've been there before and I'm not letting you go back. I'm not letting you overdose again.” Smith's voice cracked. “I don't want to lose you.”

Jade was quiet. He stared down at some tear in the vinyl covering, picking at it slightly and finding it strangely interesting. Smith didn't often pull this on him but when he did it really hit him in the gut. Sure, Smith could be funny and, well, _crazy_ but he also knew how to keep himself together when facing something serious. Biting back a groan, he squeezed his eyes shut. Suddenly, he felt insecure and immature, and the images passed before his closed eyes in flashes, in fragments. He couldn’t help but think about that night years and years ago, when Levi and Smith had found him passed out and half-dead in the hotel bathroom. He couldn’t help but think about the rush to the E.R. He couldn’t help but think about all the doctors and nurses telling him how lucky he was to have survived, or the very moment he'd decided to live drug-free. And now...

No, he wouldn't think about it anymore. He knew that Smith had a point though; if he didn't get a hold of himself that was the very road he was headed down. It hurt a lot. Just like picking at an old wound, a scab. It oozed and bled in his mind's eye.

“Fuck, Jade,” Smith groaned, rubbing his eyes and forehead. “I don't know what to do.”

“Me either.” It came out in a whisper.

An odd moment of silence lingered in the air. All that could be heard was the soft exhale of the heating. Jade continued to stare at his fingers, ignoring Smith’s stare. He swallowed audibly, hardly feeling safe or comforted or warm. Instead, his mind locked up, numb at the knowledge that Smith could see right through him, terrified at the thought that his transparency was public.

“I really think you need to go home.” Smith's voice, although quiet, sounded loud in the small space of the bus.

“Maybe.” Jade heaved a ragged sigh, nails now picking at the skin on his forearm in similar fashion to the tear in the seat, as though trying to pry the flesh from itself. “I don't want to let the fans down though.”

“No, shit, I don't either. I really don't want to go this far but... look at you. You're in no shape to keep this up.” Smith adjusted his hat, expression serious.

“Jesus.” Jade lolled his head from side to side. “I know I should quit eventually. But I should try to hold out a few more shows.” He paused, doing his best to ignore Smith’s disapproving stare. “A few more shows, then I’ll take a break, okay? I agreed to do this. I can’t say no to the fans or the band right now. I'm just too weak.” As soon as the words had tumbled from his mouth, he cringed. How ironic; she'd claimed to be too weak too. He was turning into her, he swore.

“Well, I guess that's your choice.” Smith finally relented. “Just take care of yourself, 'kay? If it looks like you can't take it, you're going home.” Having said that, he got to his feet and headed towards the back. “It's way too quiet back there. I'd better check on them and make sure they didn't drink themselves to death.” He laughed shortly in a feeble attempt of normalcy, then turned and disappeared down the hall.

Despite himself, Jade felt a tiny, empty smile tugging the corners of his mouth up as he rested his cheek against his arm. Tracing little designs around the tear in the cushion, he allowed himself to think the words he needed to hear so badly but hardly believed. _Things were going to be just fine._


	4. Chapter 3: When the Cure Becomes the Ailment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Chapter Notes: I am not satisfied with how this chapter turned out. However, I've been sitting on it since June, and there's no sense in sitting on it any longer because the more I edit it, the more frustrated I get. So I said, "To hell with it." It has a lot to do with what happens in this chapter really. Anyway, thanks to Hellion for beta-ing and SnuffOnDigital37 for looking at it and telling me to post it instead of scrapping it altogether, like I was going to do.
> 
> WARNING: Het sex in the first part of the chapter. I decided to keep it because I felt like it was an important scene. So I apologize if it squicks anyone out. If you'd rather not read it, that's cool. There's no more het sex in the rest of this story, promise.
> 
> Disclaimer: These are mere characters based on the members of AFI (not the real members, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

“Shhh, we have to be quiet.”

The blonde girl giggled as Jade slipped the key to his hotel room in the door, arm tightly wound around her waist. Leaning up to give him a sloppy kiss, she regarded him with a star-struck gaze. She might have been a little tipsy but was still quite aware of her actions. Jade was secretly repelled by her semi-drunken state, but it didn’t deter him as much as it should’ve.

Shushing her again, he gently guided her into the room, his hand pressed against the small of her back. Gradually, it slipped downwards to grope her. She giggled again in response. Damn, she was annoying. Jade couldn't wait to get the dirty deed over with and kick her the hell out of his room. His head ached from the stress of performing and his eyelids felt heavy. It was all he could do to keep them open but he needed his nightly fix and the satisfaction of throwing someone out, someone he'd destroyed.

This one claimed to be a virgin, saying that she wanted him to be the first to have it. He chalked such a foolish decision up to adrenaline, alcohol, and stupidity. Nevertheless, there they were, standing in the middle of the messy hotel room, staring at each other. Her gaze was one of adoration and so-called _love_. Offering a fake, forced smile as a wave of coldness enveloped him, he swallowed back the rising tell-tale bile. A twinge of guilt. A quiver in the depths of his stomach. A desperate need to touch that aching animal inside of him.

He only stepped back from her advances long enough to turn on a few lights. The sickening yellow glow illuminated the small room, making his head throb in protest, as though he were the one who was drunk. He hadn't thought it was possible but she looked even less attractive now; it couldn't be helped. Seizing her face, he kissed her almost violently, unable to ignore the way his heart leapt in aching protest, unable to shut off his senses or the dizzy buzzing somewhere in the back of his mind, warning him that he was about to take another step too far in the wrong direction. But he shook it off, convincing himself that it was only because this silly girl reminded him too fucking much of _her_.

Vaguely, he was aware of her nails scratching desperately at his sleeves, mouth gaping and sloppily pressed against his own. His free arm snaked around her waist again, smashing her body against his as he moaned into her mouth. Slamming her against the wall, he pressed hard against her hips, biting her tongue. A slight tremor ran through his body. He could practically smell her fear bubbling and pooling, threatening to spill over.

Pulling back to gulp air, he peered down at her through his bleached fringe. She stared back at him, so clearly unprepared for such a feral, forceful advance, and uncertainty shone in the darkened depths of hollowing eye sockets. Shit. He'd better back off a little.

“Sorry,” he whispered in her ear, giving little kisses behind it. The sincerity sounded so real, so heartfelt, he almost fell for it himself.

Apparently, it worked for her as well, and she visibly relaxed. Still, a few more kisses were enough to make her tense again, and it was all he could do to keep from cursing aloud in impatient need. She gripped his head with trembling hands to keep him from going down farther, that uncertainty returning, that ignorance about how to handle him evident in every glance, every touch. “Please not so much.” She sounded pathetic, lost.

For a moment, he pitied her, reaching his hand up to cradle her heart-shaped face, and her lips trembled as he ran his thumb over them. She really was inexperienced, wasn't she? “I'm sorry,” he murmured again, trying to assure her. He pulled back to give her some space. “I got carried away. It's been awhile.”

_Liar_. He just wanted to gain her trust. He just wanted her to feel like she was someone special—like she could ever be. He hadn't known her for even two hours.

She bit her lower lip, but leaned into his touch so he wrapped his arms around her. Gradually, she melted against him, accepting his affection—and whatever else he might do to her. Goddamn, he just wanted to get this over with.

Carefully, slowly, he laid her down on the bed. She stared up at him, mouth in a tight, wavering smile. It seemed as though her alcohol induced faze was finally clearing up a little. Now she seemed to comprehend the magnitude of this action. Still, she was willing, and she began to tug her white T-shirt over her head.

Jade began to unbutton his black dress shirt, long fingers fumbling. He was feeling nervous again; he never got over that nervousness. He just wasn't the type of guy who could do this so coldly and indifferently, yet that was exactly what he was trying to do, even though it contradicted all his morals and values, all his beliefs, all his nature. But he craved the relief it would bring, the escape from this realm, as temporary as that was; it was the best way to lose himself without the risks that substance abuse brought.

Gaining a bit of confidence, the girl reached out and brought him closer to the bed, and he nearly lost his balance and fell on top of her. Ignoring her longing, admiring stare, he undid his belt buckle and unzipped his pants, yanking them to his ankles before kicking them off to discard them to the pile of dirty clothes littering his carpet. Then he crawled up on the bed, almost like a predator towards its prey, and as far as he was concerned that was exactly what she was to him. She had no idea what was coming, and the very thought made his head spin with a sickening duality of shame and anticipation.

“Nervous?” he whispered, running a long finger down the length of her body.

Swallowing audibly, she nodded. “A little, but it’s all right.” She smiled feebly, short arms encircling his neck. “Because I love you.” The stupid girl meant every word.

Fucking shame she didn't know the real him.

He laughed softly and leaned in, capturing her lips in a deep kiss. His hands roamed over her body, exploring. Even if she had consented to this, her body still flinched away from his touch when his hands slipped up under her bra. A rush of adrenaline, a rush of absolute _power_ , seized him.

By this point, he was so aroused he couldn't even feel the burning nausea of guilt anymore. All he could think about was how he was going to _destroy_ her just like every one of them had destroyed him—his life, his existence, his person as a whole. The hurt, the inability to handle the fame, had caused a side of him he hadn't known existed to surface, a sadistic side that he frankly hated in his sane moments—but now it hardly mattered how it would affect him. So he picked at it, dared it to hurt him, and he leapt upon her neck, kissing and biting and sucking as he undid her bra, then her jeans. Both unwanted articles were soon tossed carelessly to the floor.

For a brief moment, he broke the kiss to pant and stare at her sprawled half naked across his bed. Her eyes were hazy and lust-filled, her lips parted slightly. Goddamn, she looked so much like _her_. If he wasn't so horny, wasn't so stressed out about the tour, the disgust would've overpowered his need.

Nate was right; he had a thing for sluts.

Wanting to just get to it already, he hurriedly finished undressing her. Surprised, unprepared, she twisted her body in a futile attempt to shield her nakedness from him. Even if she wasn't quite ready, he didn't really care. Anticipation peaked, and he bit down on his lower lip, hands moving down slowly. She grasped his wrists as he reached her hips, silently begging him to wait. He only paused because it was necessary.

A few tender, sweet words of false caring, a few reassuring kisses to the temple—that was all it took for her to release her grip on him and give him the green light. As soon as she nodded, eyes staring up at him with adoration and trust, he prepared himself. First, he yanked a condom out of his nightstand, along with some lube. Hurriedly, he tore open the packaging and unfurled it over his erection with shaking hands. She watched nervously as he squirted a bit of the lube in his palm and coated himself with it.

He could hardly be slow or courteous about this—and he wasn’t. In fact, he was hardly aware of the fact that he'd driven into her too fast until she cried out. He paused as her body trembled vigorously beneath him, nails digging into his back. Staring down at her teary eyes, he quickly uttered an apology. Still, she seemed uncertain, her hands now gripping his shoulders, pushing him away. Briefly, he worried he'd gone too far.

That was when the thought surfaced to his mind before he could curb it: surely men weren't as skittish as this. Surely they'd be fine with a quick, rough fuck. And no matter how he tried not to think like that at a time like this, he couldn’t push it aside, couldn’t swallow the exasperation.

Slowly but surely, her body began to relax as she fell victim to his soft-spoken words. Finally; now he could get some damn relief. Running a thumb over her brow and down her cheek, he asked her quietly if it was all right to continue. She hesitated for a long moment, and then nodded.

He didn't need to be told twice. Soon he was thrusting his hips back and forth rhythmically, barely holding himself up on his shaking elbows. It was odd, he thought, that he’d had sex the night before as well as earlier in the day and it _still_ felt so fucking good, almost like he hadn't done it in weeks. Maybe it was because he was getting satisfaction knowing what he was going to do to her. Maybe he really was a big bastard deep down inside.

Biting his lower lip, he squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his fist. Goddamn, he couldn't look at her anymore. It totally ruined the electric sensations of pleasure running up and down his spine. Now that his eyes were closed it felt a thousand times more enjoyable. A low moan ripped through him, resonating in the back of his throat. She panted, arching her body instinctively into his, responding to every thrust and every touch. Honestly, she really didn't have to do anything but lie there because he didn't care how good the sex was. All that mattered was he got it, and he took a piece of each new lover's dignity when she left.

Too bad each person was taking a piece of him with her when she crossed over the threshold. What did he care? Self-destruction was what he'd always been best at.

Shoving harder into the body beneath him, he showed little regard for how she felt at all. He gripped her wrists tighter and tighter, giving more force. She didn't protest with anything more than strangled noises, but he knew from the way her body flinched and winced that it was close to torture. However much he knew this hurt, he couldn't stop. At this point, his mind was so fogged up that if she had begged him, he couldn't help it. His body was on cruise control, and he was at its mercy.

All it would take were a few more thrusts...just a few more of those lovely jolts up his spine and he'd just...

She moved then, so stupidly desperate to please him, shoving up to meet his thrusts, and that was it. The snapping collision of hips sent him completely over the edge. Weakness followed, washing warmly over his body, and he collapsed on top of her, a heap of damp flesh and creaking bones.

They lay still, surrounded by quiet save for their labored breathing. She ran her fingers along the curve of his spine in a tender gesture but he shuddered unpleasantly away from it. No matter how many times he did this, it still astounded him how seriously so many of his lovers took it.

Finally regaining enough strength, he pulled back, letting cooler air rush between the space and against his sweaty, over-heated skin. Ignoring her soft gaze and lingering hands, he pulled the condom off and threw it away. He refused to look at her. Instead, he sat on the edge of the bed, hunched over with his hands clasped and head hung.

Immediately, she sensed the shift in atmosphere. She sat up quickly, long hair tumbling around her as she clutched the sheet. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see how pale she'd grown.

“Jade?” she murmured, touching his skin lightly. Somehow, it felt odd that she was addressing him by name. Hell, he didn't even remember her name—not like it mattered.

Feeling her bestow feather-like kisses along his shoulder blade, he swatted her away, sick guilt and irritation—more at himself—twisting his stomach again. It almost hadn’t been worth it. “You should go now.”

“Why?” She sounded nervous again, scared.

He glanced over his shoulder at her in scorn, words far too honest, far too unbridled. “What, did you think you meant something to me?” Fuck, he didn't care what he'd taken from her, what it meant to her. He had done it on purpose. She needed to get the hell out of his life already—but no. Instead, she just sat there, gaping at him and looking like she was going to cry.

God no. His head hurt already. “Just get out,” he snapped, tone icy, cutting. He didn't even try to cover up his true disdain and repulsion. The kind, gentle man from earlier was gone. He didn't exist anymore.

In response, she stared down silently at the mattress, at her shaking fingers closing in on themselves as shame colored her cheeks. He bit back the smirk; it had finally dawned on her what had happened. Wordlessly, she seized her clothes, hurriedly pulling them on, all the while averting her no-doubt tearful gaze. Without even saying goodbye, she rushed to the door and swung it open, slamming it shut as she left. One loud sniffle resonated in the hall just outside his door, and he let a wide grin spread across his face. Lying back on the bed, he folded his arms behind his head and let his eyes fall shut.

Yes, he felt a lot better—for now.

He must've fallen asleep at some point because the next thing he was aware of was someone pounding on his hotel door. Groaning, he rolled over slowly, squinting as soon as the bedside lamp directed a flood of bright light into his eyes. There was a splitting pain rushing through his skull, and he realized he had no idea what time it was. Glancing at the clock, he found it was nearly nine in the morning, much later than he was supposed to get up.

The urgent knock came again and he was reminded that someone was waiting on him. “Fuck,” he grumbled, rolling out of bed. Finding a pair of slightly dirty sweatpants on the floor, he jerked them on and ambled over to the door, flinging it open. “What do you want?” he asked, annoyed. His head still hurt like fuck and all he wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep for the rest of eternity.

“Is that any way to answer the door?” Smith asked, brushing past him despite his mumbled protests. Jade heaved a sigh and released the door, allowing it close itself with a quiet click. He turned to face Smith, who was standing in the middle of the room, arms crossed and jaw set firmly. “Okay, what the fuck happened last night?”

“What do you mean?” Jade asked. He honestly didn't know what Smith was so pissed about. He'd only done the same thing he'd been doing the past several months. “Something wrong?”

“What the fuck do you think?” Smith snapped, looking angrier than Jade had seen him in a long time. “I went to get a beer last night and I saw a girl I’d talked to at the show come out of your room crying. I asked her what was wrong.” He paused, jabbing an accusing finger at Jade. “She said you fucked her and told her she was just a dumb slut.”

“I never said she was a dumb slut!” Jade protested, his own anger flaring, “What the fuck? If you're going to lecture me again, lay off. She was the one who consented.”

“That doesn’t matter,” Smith told him, shaking his finger. “Listen, you can't keep doing this. You're ruining yourself and the band. I covered for you because I knew this wasn't like you and I thought it was going to stop.” Here, he laughed shortly, dryly. “But you've gotten worse instead. Not only do you fuck 'em, but now you throw 'em out too! What the fuck is _wrong_ with you?” The last question was nearly screamed. Jade was a little caught off guard.

“Well, sorry for not being perfect,” he grumbled, scratching his arm and looking down at the floor. If he met Smith's gaze, he knew he'd crack. He knew he'd turn into a sniveling mess and cry that he was sorry, that things had gone much further than he'd meant them to, that he wanted to stop but everything hurt just too fucking _bad_.

Smith must have caught the flicker of guilt that crossed his features because his tone softened considerably. “Just stop and it'll be fine. I'm not saying you can't fuck around. All I'm saying is please be careful and respectful. It's best you didn't fuck fans but if you're gonna do it, at least be nice about it.”

Jade rubbed the back of his neck, his other arm wrapped around his waist in a self-conscious manner. He kept staring at the carpet, not knowing what to do or say because he knew he was wrong. He just didn't know what to do to make things right. Honestly, he wasn't even sure he _could_ make things right.

Smith stepped forward, sighing heavily. “Take a few minutes to get yourself together and then come meet us downstairs. Don't take too long though, 'kay?”

Jade nodded feebly as Smith passed by him. The sound of the door shutting barely registered in his mind. Slowly, he made his way over to the window, the heavy feeling weighing down on him to the point he felt it would crush him to death. He drew the curtains back and peered outside at the world beyond him. Everyone was dying out there, just like he was, but he couldn’t make himself feel any sympathy. This disease was slowly eating its way through him, destroying him with every tainted breath he took, every drop of poison that fell like honeyed words from his tongue, every meaningless action and crime against himself he committed.

Letting the curtain drop, he allowed a ragged sigh to rack his body and ambled towards the bathroom. A quick shower would do him some good. At least the hot spray and disinfecting soap would rid his body of the filth and iniquity from the night before. He just wanted to wash all the sweat and grime away, let it flow down the drain and never surface again. He just wanted to be clean but deep inside he knew better.

He'd never be clean again.

\--

It wasn't until afternoon that he had time to think again. All morning he'd been crammed in the tour bus with Fritch, Smith, Levi, Nate, and Chon. It was a breath of fresh air when they'd all decided to go to the 7-Eleven for a snack break and had left the bus. Well, everyone except for him and Smith. He was curious as to why Smith hadn't gone with them because it was one of their favorite hang-out spots—that was, it had been until they'd gotten their “big break.” Jade kind of missed that place. He kind of wished he had gone with the others now that nostalgia was taking over. To be transported to another time far, far away from the stifling weight he faced now would've been ideal.

He peeked up through his hair at Smith, who was sitting at the table, eyes fixated on a newspaper. At the moment, he seemed to be in a much better mood than he had been that morning. Sudden loneliness gripped Jade, and part of him worried he might end up pushing Smith away too, just like he did with anyone and everyone else. A wracking sigh escaped him, and he sank into the seat opposite Smith, resting his chin in his palm and waiting to be noticed.

Smith lowered his paper and grinned. “Yo, 'sup?”

“Nothing. Just thinking,” Jade mumbled in response.

“'Bout what?”

“About old times, when we'd all go hang out behind the 7-Eleven and skate. I miss stuff like that.” Jade's eyelids drooped a bit. He'd give anything to go back to the days where he was so carefree like that. He'd give anything to be _normal_ again.

Smith chuckled softly. “If you miss it, we can always go do it again sometime.”

“Yeah, but it's not the same, you know? I mean, back then it was something special. Now we're too old.” He brushed his hair out of his eyes.

“I don't think we're _that_ old.” Smith laughed, grin exposing his crooked teeth. “Lighten up.” He reached across the table to slap Jade's arm playfully.

Unable to help it, Jade cracked a smile for a brief moment. Although Smith had managed to cheer him up for a moment, he soon found himself rapidly shifting into an anxious mood again. His thoughts came in swift flashes of light, scenes from the night before playing in his mind as though on a movie screen, his gut clenching at the memory of what he'd done. Not only was he so disgusted with himself, but he found he was so repulsed by her too. It left a nagging, cardboard sensation in his stomach, and it wasn't just the fact he'd fucked up again. It was also the feeling he couldn't bear to trust her—or any of his lovers, for that matter. They were all the same. Given the chance, they would've all screwed him over. The worst part was knowing why; it was the fame, the fortune, the thrill of being able to tell a good tale, to say _yeah, I fucked him. Yeah, I dated him. But he wasn't good enough_. Celebrity had reduced him to a mere object, a trophy to be won. And the worst part was knowing he was the one letting it happen.

Groaning, he rested his forehead in his palms, staring down at the table. Maybe he shouldn't bother with those girls anymore because it was past the point of being fun. Now all it did was make him sick because no matter how much he hurt them, it didn't feel like enough to make his own pain worth it. They were so obnoxious, so similar, so unappealing. Half of him figured it was because of _her_ but that still didn't silence the nagging voice in the back of his head, the one that told him he should at least give men a chance before he wrote off everyone completely.

He couldn’t stand it any longer, and knew he should talk this out, so he finally spoke up. “Something's really been bothering me.”

“Yeah?” Smith was still grinning despite his best efforts to remain serious.

“You remember what I told you awhile ago?” He suddenly felt shy about it.

“Oh, yeah. I know _exactly_ what you’re talking about.” Smith bit back his smirk, eyes sparkling despite the hint of concern lurking beneath.

Glaring slightly, Jade shook his hair out of his eyes. “I'm serious, Smith. Do you remember when I told you I was wondering what it was like to, you know, with a guy?”

Smith's eyebrows rose. “Oh.” He dragged it out embarrassingly long. “You mean a little horizontal hide-and-seek with a man?”

“Yes,” Jade mumbled, feeling his ears growing hot. “About that. I think I'm gonna do it.”

Smith laughed loudly, almost like he didn’t believe him. “For real? What, are you gonna pick up some random guy at the next show? How the fuck are you gonna find a dude willing to do that?”

“I don’t know,” Jade muttered, his face growing increasingly warmer, “I guess I'll just find someone that looks like he might, um, you know.”

“Swing that way?”

“Uh, yeah,” Jade fidgeted with the ends of his scarf. “I really want to know whether or not I'm just angry about how my girlfriends have treated me or if I honestly like guys, too. It's driving me crazy.”

“Hate to break it to you, but if you're even thinking about it, you're probably a little—” Smith began.

Jade hurriedly interrupted him. “Don't. I'm sure lots of people don't know until they try it. It may be nothing. I don't know... I just don't fucking know.” He let his scarf drop down to the tabletop again, allowing his eyes to follow it.

He felt like this was just an excuse so he could fuck some guy's brains out, just because he wanted to. Whether or not it was just for the experience, just to say he'd done it before, he didn't know. All he knew was he'd always had the tendency to get physically close to other guys, and he wanted to know for sure where he stood on the fence. Then maybe it would make more sense why he gravitated towards physical affection with the same sex.

“Sorry.”

Smith's meek apology brought him out of his frustrated state of mind and back to the present. He glanced up from his hands at his brother, who looked ashamed. Suddenly, he felt at a loss for words. “Oh, uh…”

“That was out of line. I shouldn't be joking about something like this. Just be careful. Don't forget our little talk earlier, 'kay?”

Jade's expression turned sour again. He nodded, reluctantly agreeing. “You know I'll be careful. I always use protection.”

“Yeah, but not all the protection you need.” Smith picked his paper up again.

Jade frowned. “What do you mean?”

Without even looking up from his reading, Smith replied, “You know what I mean. You're a smart guy.”

Jade drummed his fingers on the table. Shit. He did know what Smith meant and he was completely right. He wasn't being careful with himself at all. Maybe he was actually hurting himself more. Well, he inwardly swore, after this he'd quit. He'd check himself into some sort of rehab if he had to but he would quit.

“Last time.” He finally said it aloud. The promise hung in the air, heavy.

This was enough to make Smith lower the paper to look at him. “For real? Promise?”

“I swear,” Jade told him, licking his lips and swallowing hard. “After tonight is over, no more.”

“Good.” Smith went back to reading, a relieved grin plastered on his face.

Jade, too, couldn't help but relax momentarily. He felt an odd sense of relief washing over him but in the back of his mind, he was also worried. After all, he might not be able to keep his promise. However, he should at least try; it counted for something. If he fucked up, there wasn't too much shame in it because he'd already fucked up enough. He didn't completely want to stop but, hell, Smith was right—he _had_ to stop now before it got worse.

He really hoped that the night would go off without a hitch. Even after taking a few deep breaths he didn't feel much better because something about tonight felt wrong, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Maybe it was because people were starting to catch on to what a rotten person he was, and he was going to be up there on display for everyone to see and judge. He shuddered at the thought, crawling sensations running up his spine.

Brushing it off and blaming it on nerves for the show, he got up and rummaged through the refrigerator for some soy milk. He took a few gulps right out of the container, trying desperately to calm down, but even as he set the carton on the counter, his hand was shaking. And he vaguely wondered if he could even play.

Tonight was quite possibly going to be the hardest night of his life. If he could get through this hell of a tour, he decided, taking another large gulp, he could get through anything.


	5. Chapter 4: Punk Rock Is Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Chapter Notes: So tired of editing this, so up it goes.
> 
> Thanks to Hellion for beta-ing. :)
> 
> Disclaimer: These are mere characters based on the members of AFI and those affiliated with the band (not the real people, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

Davey shivered in the cold, grasping his coat closer to his body in a vain attempt to keep himself warm. Teeth chattering, he fumbled with his Sidekick to check the time. It was just after eight AM Saturday and he'd just arrived at the venue. Currently, he was standing on the sidewalk with a few other early stragglers. Even though the sun was shining, casting cheery golden rays across the barren trees and dead grass, it did little to warm him. Shuddering again as a light breeze blew against the small group, he began to wish that he had someone with him. Although he and Adam had temporarily sorted things out and apologized to each other, he'd still turned down the invitation to come—and he knew why.

Maybe Adam hadn't said it aloud, but his eyes had done all the talking for him. He could just hear him saying what he knew he'd been thinking. _I don't want to see you drooling all over **him**_. No, Adam would never say it aloud. Knowing him, he would hardly even dare to let it surface to the forefront of his mind. But deep inside, both of them knew it was true. It really bothered him how painfully obvious he was. He didn't want to be, and he most certainly didn't want to be so taken by a celebrity of all people.

Sighing out a puff of warm air against the cold, he tried not to get his hopes up too high about meeting Jade. This show _would_ be fantastic whether or not he did get to talk to any of the members, no doubt about that. Loose Change had never disappointed him and he couldn't see that changing anytime soon. Their new album had been just as fantastic as their older ones. Of course, they'd changed a little bit, but surprisingly, not as much as he would've thought. He couldn't have held a band together that long and stayed true to hardcore. That was one thing he admired about them; somehow, despite all the years they'd been together, they still managed to keep their sound fresh without 'selling-out,' as many liked to put it. Frankly, he really wouldn't have minded if they had changed. It wasn't selling-out unless they stopped putting their hearts into it.

A more insistent gust of biting wind pulled him from his thoughts. It whipped his hair into his face and chilled every bone in his body, leaving behind a dull ache. Crossing his arms over his chest and hugging himself, he tried to think warm thoughts. At least he had a thermos of hot tea left but it would be gone soon. That was another reason why he should've brought someone with him. It would've been convenient to have someone fetch him some more tea or hold his place in line while he bought some. Maybe if he made friends with the kids already here, he could solve that problem.

Regardless, he was beginning to feel excitement welling up inside him, and he played with his phone a little, turning it over and over in his hands. Every time he came to a show, he got a little more impatient. Throwing a glance over his shoulder, he wondered if Loose Change had even arrived at the venue yet. From where he was sitting, he could just see past the corner of the building, about where the side entrance was. He felt his stomach leap as he caught sight of their tour bus, and he couldn't help but keep glancing back and hoping to see any sign of the band. Sure enough, after several long moments of watching and waiting, the curtain moved back and he swore he saw Jade looking out at the crowd. For a brief moment, he felt as though maybe Jade had caught his eye too, but he knew that was ridiculous. Of course he wouldn't have seen him. The curtain dropped then, but even so, the experience was enough to cause his breath to catch and his heart to pound wildly. No matter how he tried to swallow them, the butterflies wouldn't cease their senseless beating.

And though he was loath to admit it, he wanted to meet him more than anything.

\--

Jade sank back to his spot on the couch, overwhelmed by the number of kids lined up on the sidewalk outside the venue. Another wave of discouragement and nausea overcame him, and he tried to swallow back the heavy, sinking sensation. He was beginning to think he couldn't do this. His fists clenched and shook, nails digging into his clammy palms.

Swallowing harder, trying to take deep breaths to calm his queasy stomach, he told himself to relax. _It's going to be okay,_ he tried to tell himself, _you've done this a thousand times before. It's just another show. It's going to be okay._ He chanted this phrase in his head over and over and over though it did little to help.

The door to the bus swung open, shattering his concentration. Lifting his head, he watched Smith come in, wiping sweat off his brow. He must’ve been helping the other roadies lug their gear inside. Vaguely, he wondered if he should pitch in too. Though he wasn't feeling well, he figured moving might help calm the immense anxiety rising in his throat.

“Smith...” His voice wavered, giving his insecurity away.

“Huh?” Smith swung open the refrigerator door. Finding a carton of orange juice, he took a long swing before slamming it on the counter and dragging his arm across his mouth.

“Um.” Jade fumbled with the ends of his scarf, biting down on his lower lip. “Want some help?”

Smith blinked, puzzled. “We could always use an extra hand but you don't got to do anything. That's what the crew's for.” He took another gulp from the carton. “Besides, I don't want you to get fucked up from an accident or anything.”

“Yeah, I understand that, but I'd kind of like to get out of this bus for a bit. You know, be useful.” He dropped his scarf and propped his cheek in his hand.

Shrugging, Smith replied, “You can go inside if you want to. But let the rest of us take care of this crap. Seriously.”

“Okay.” Jade fidgeted with his jacket before peering out the window again. His eyes scanned the crowd and stopped when they locked on someone staring back. Quickly, he dropped the curtain again, anxiety washing over his entire body. A sharp intake of air. “I don't know if I can do this.”

Smith returned the juice to its shelf and stared up at Jade, alarmed. “You okay?”

By now, Jade was feeling light-headed. If he didn't get himself under control... “N-No.”

“What's wrong?” Smith stepped over to where he was sitting, looking him over.

“I-I don't know. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.” Jade held his head in his hands. He squeezed his eyes shut and held his breath, trying to calm down. He felt Smith rest a hand on his shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze, and it was just enough to ground him. Gradually, the churning in his stomach resided and his heart stopped hammering so hard. He let out a long breath of relief, then spoke as evenly as he could manage, trying to convince himself of his words. “It's just nerves. I think I'm okay now.”

“Shit.” Concern was evident in Smith's voice, and he tightened his grip. “Don't scare me like that. Maybe you should go in and walk around backstage. Might help burn off that nervous energy.”

“Y-Yeah, you're right.” Jade licked his lips.

Slowly, he stood and walked on gelatin legs to the door, pushing it open and glancing furtively over his shoulder, flinching as soon as he felt a soft weight descend on his lower back. Smith kept his hand there until they'd finished descending the steps. His legs were still a bit weak and shaky but at least the moment seemed to have passed. Tonight should've been something he looked forward to, something he loved and felt good about, but it wasn't fun anymore.

As Smith guided him to the side entrance, he was so sure he felt everyone staring at him, but he wouldn't dare look up to confirm it. He only slipped inside the welcoming darkness as quickly as he could, relieved for the cloak of shadows and the shelter from the prying eyes. A shuddering sigh of relief escaped him; he was grateful for the space.

Patting him hard on the back, Smith said, “I'm gonna get back to work. If you need anything, just call.” Forcing a half-hearted, worried grin, he headed towards the exit.

Sighing again, Jade paced back and forth, swinging his arms. Great. Although the panicked feeling had receded somewhat, it still lurked beneath the surface and threatened to pull him down any moment. Expending excess energy would help, but he was still tempted to go have a quick fuck to put himself more at ease. However, he knew it'd only make it worse if he did it before the show. Better to wait until afterward.

It was going to be a long day.

\--

It was six o' clock and doors would be opening in half an hour. Davey was so pumped he couldn't sit—or stand—still, choosing instead to shift from one foot to the other, fidgeting. He could just feel the surrounding excitement, the anticipation, the tension.

“How long you guys been standing out here? I mean, damn!”

Davey jumped at the loud voice. He—and the rest of the group—turned to address the owner. There, leaning up against the fence, was none other than Smith Puget. He had a paper cup in one hand and was swirling its contents, grinning crookedly at them.

Davey was the first to find his voice again, speaking for those at the front of the line. “Since eight or so.”

Smith laughed again at this response. “Shit, man! That's a long time.” He took a sip of his drink. “You guys got up really fucking early for a Saturday.” He shook his head, smiling.

A girl standing behind Davey piped up, smile evident in her voice. “It's not like we could sleep anyway.”

“I couldn't sleep either,” Smith said, looking pleased with himself. “Too busy.”

“Don't you have a lot of shit to do before the show starts?” A teen in a gray hoodie asked.

“I do. I'm taking a short break to check on you guys. You haven't moved all day.” Smith downed the last of his drink before crumpling up the cup. He arched his arm and aimed for a trash can. The cup went in after hitting the edge of the rim, and he pumped his fist in the air at his victory.

As Smith turned to walk back inside, he passed by Davey again. He stopped and looked back at him, frowning a little and pointing. “You look really familiar...” A moment passed, during which he clenched his jaw, deep in thought. Then, arriving at a conclusion, he laughed and hit himself on the forehead. “I'm such an idiot! Did you go to Ukiah High in the early 90's? 'Cause if you did then you were in one of my classes. At least I think you were.”

Davey blinked, surprised. “I did go to Ukiah High then but I don't think I was in any of your classes,” he replied. No, he couldn't have been. He'd have remembered if he had been. Smith wasn't exactly...forgettable.

Smith, however, insisted. “Nah, I'm sure of it. What's your name?”

“Davey Marchand.”

“No, shit, really?” Smith grinned. “Did you have Mrs. Miller for a teacher?”

Davey thought back. His eyes lit up. “Yeah, I did. That was my junior year, I think.”

“And...” Smith squinted, leaning in Davey's face and studying him. “You sat in the front and slouched. Wore makeup sometimes.” He paused, his eyes scanning Davey's face. “You even still have the lip ring.” He pointed at it for emphasis.

Davey could hardly believe this. He shook his head, grinning. “This is crazy. I’m sorry but I honestly don't remember you being in my class.”

“I was a lot different back then.” Smith slapped him on the arm. “I sat in the back, so that's probably why you didn't notice me.”

“Wouldn't you be fucking around in class?” Davey could see him doing all sorts of things, from being generally disruptive to pulling pranks—another reason why he was finding this so hard to believe.

“Nah, it was first period. I was too hungover from to do anything _disruptive_.” Smith laughed.

Davey laughed as well. “It was an early class,” he agreed.

“Oh, fuck, man.” Smith's grin grew and his eyes twinkled. “ _Fuck_. It's been just so long. That reminds me. You were in a hardcore band back then, weren't you?”

“You knew about that?” Davey gaped at him, astonished.

“Yeah! Jade went to a lot of hardcore shows back then. I'm pretty sure he and I went to a few of yours. What was your band again? My mind says it started with an A.”

Feeling his stomach leap, Davey tried not to be too outwardly excited about this. _Jade_ had come to his shows? “Wow, just, wow,” he breathed, in awe. “I can't believe you guys actually came to our shows. I'm—I'm really honored. But, yes, we called ourselves AFI.”

“What’d that stand for again?”

Laughing weakly, he admitted, “A Bunch of Fucking Idiots.”

Smith cracked up and slapped his arm again, nodding animatedly. “That’s right. Yep, we were there. Jade said you guys were pretty good. What happened? Where'd you go?”

“We disbanded when we went to college.” Davey shrugged. “It wasn't going anywhere. It was kind of discouraging.”

“That sucks.” Smith spit into the grass and scuffed his shoes against the concrete. “You could've just kept fucking around and gotten somewhere, school or not. Loose Change did, and they're hardcore.”

“Yeah, but at the time we didn't think it was possible,” Davey said. “It's okay though. With the way things turned out with Mark and Geoff, it wouldn't have lasted anyway. We're just glad to have had the experience at all.” He shrugged it off but he didn't really feel so casual about it.

“Man, tough luck, huh? What are you doing now? Did you start another band? Get some sort of music writing gig, at least?” Smith crossed his arms, looking genuinely interested.

“Not exactly. I'm working as an editor for a magazine right now.” He lowered his eyes. “It's not really as glamorous as it sounds.”

“Wow.” Smith shook his head. “That sucks.” A beat elapsed. Then, Smith flipped his cell phone open, glancing at the small screen. “Aw, shit. I'd better get back to work. I'll catch you after the show, okay?”

For a moment, Davey reeled, rendered speechless. Smith actually wanted to continue their discussion. “Okay. I'll see you later.” He smiled widely.

Smith punched him in the shoulder. “Yeah, later.” He took off running towards the building, crashing purposely into the door before opening it and throwing another crooked smile over his shoulder.

Davey returned the smile, letting out a tiny sigh. The show hadn't even started and he was already on cloud nine. He wasn't exactly sure where tonight would lead him, but he was really looking forward to talking to Smith again. And though he tried not to let it get to his head, he couldn't help but hope that maybe, just maybe, he'd get more than he bargained for.

\--

Jade fidgeted with his guitar, sinking deeper in the cushions of the couch as he practiced backstage. He kept screwing up because he just couldn't seem to pay attention long enough. Maybe it was because he just wasn't as used to the new material as he should've been, even though he'd spent countless hours composing these songs and practicing them. Now that he thought of it in this manner, it was absolutely ridiculous he was messing up. Honestly, it hadn't been that hard or that long since he'd last played. Once again, he chalked it up to nerves, anxiety, distractions—whatever one wanted to call it. He'd better get his act together before the show started, or he was really going to embarrass them all. _Fuck._

Cursing under his breath as his fingers fumbled once again, he decided to take a small break and stretch. Maybe he'd pace and get his thoughts in order—or at least, as much in order as he could manage to do in this state. _Fuck fuck fuck._ He couldn't quell the storm that had broken loose, which was currently rampaging in his stomach and his head and his chest and... He just didn’t know if he could ever breathe again, or even if he was breathing now. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt like a decent, real human being. Now he was plunging further and further from himself into this comatose state. A mix between a choked, feral laugh and a weak, trembling whimper rose within his throat, tightening every inch that oxygen refused to touch. He must be crazy.

He thought, with another dry laugh, that he simply could _not_ go on living this way. It was silly of him to believe he could repair himself and go back to the person he'd once been if he wasn't doing anything to change his lifestyle. Although it wasn't like him at all—as he viewed himself as a very reliable person and true to his word—he felt the sudden urge, the sudden undeniable _need_ , to get out of there as fast as he could. In reality, it'd only make his problems worse. He shouldn't punish his fans, his friends, his family, his _band_ for something that he _wanted_ , for failing as a human being, for being incapable of functioning properly. If he could just hold out for a few more shows...What was he thinking? He didn't know if he could hold out for one more show.

Feeling old beyond his years and tainted beyond recognition, he rubbed his elbows, feeling far too insecure and frail; he honestly didn't have it in him to keep going in the same direction. He'd changed so much and it felt as though no one around him had matured or grown at all. It wasn't fair to blame others for everything that had happened, but he couldn't help but think things would be different, better, if he'd been around different people.

Now even his thoughts were disjointed and nonsensical. He felt broken.

Before his train of thought could further lead him down the path of emotional and mental self-destruction, the door cracked open and Smith slipped in, excitement glowing on his features. In the dim light of the room, he failed to take notice of Jade's frenzied state, and launched right into what he wanted to say. “You'll never guess who was at the front of the line outside.”

Jade sighed heavily. Right now, he could have cared less but he might as well humor him by at least pretending to be interested. “Who?” His voice cracked, sounding tired.

“Do you remember AFI? You know, hardcore band from Ukiah? We went to a couple of their shows.” Smith paused, waiting for Jade to acknowledge that he did remember.

Squinting a little in thought, Jade racked his brain. It took a moment to register. “Oh, yeah; I do. That was a long time ago.”

Satisfied, Smith continued. “Yeah, well, their singer, Davey, is here tonight. He's not in the band anymore but it's not often we run across someone with the same roots. I told him to stick around afterward so we could talk. You should meet him. He's cool.” Smith grinned widely.

However, he seemed a bit too effusive for Jade's comfort. Shy, and slightly cynical, he wasn't sure if this was a trap or not or if Smith really knew this guy well enough to trust him. Hell, Jade wouldn't have minded meeting him—thirteen years ago. Though he knew he shouldn't be so worried or paranoid, he’d already been quiet and introverted, and everything that’d happened made him question others, turned the regular stress turn into full blown social anxiety.

“I-I don't know.” He suddenly felt an overwhelming sloshing sensation in his stomach, and it spread most uncomfortably outwards, gripping his entire body with weakness. Grasping the armrest for support, he shook his head wearily. “I don't know if I'm up to seeing anyone tonight, to be honest.” It was a lie. He was up to seeing someone, but it wasn't the same socializing Smith wanted him to do.

Smith's grin faded somewhat, and he exhaled heavily. “If you keep hiding away it's only gonna get worse. You got to put yourself out there and act like everything's okay and normal. You'll get used to it and it'll get better. Trust me.”

Jade nibbled his lower lip, picking at some loose skin on his thumb. He just kept picking at it for awhile until he had to chew it off, biting down hard on the sensitive, tender flesh until it burned and stung, as silence hung heavy between them. Maybe Smith was right but he was feeling more and more ill about the notion as time ticked onwards. Hearing the rumble and growl of punk rock reverberating against the wall from the main room wasn't making his headache any duller.

“Jade.” Smith's voice interrupted his thoughts. “C'mon. Seriously. I just want you to be you again.”

Annoyed, Jade stopped chewing on his thumb and brought his scornful gaze up to meet Smith's. “How do you think this is going to help me?”

Smith shrugged. “He's about the same age, same background. Practice might make you feel more comfortable talking to people.” When Jade did nothing but glower, Smith tacked on, “He seems pretty friendly. Won't bite your head off or judge you.”

“I don't know what's so special about one fan that you insist I talk to him,” Jade griped, looking sullen. “But if you sort of knew him, I guess I'll talk to him.”

“Good.” Smith looked genuinely relieved. “It's about time you started talking to fans again. They're worried about you.”

Jade shrugged it off, trying to appear nonchalant and unmoved, despite the battle raging inside his mind and body. “I never really did much talking anyway. I don't like talking to people I don't know.”

“Only because you never did,” Smith pointed out, shaking his head. “Well, do what you want but I think you should go out more.” He paused as the muffled, loud clamor of rock-and-roll gave way to sudden stillness. “It sounds like the set just ended. Better go help strike the stage.” With that being said, he stepped out of the room, leaving Jade to his thoughts and his preparations.

Feeling another swell of anxiety, Jade turned to the grimy mirror hanging on the dark wall, peering into his hollow eyes and running his hands over his hair. His face seemed to sag in the dim flicker of a single light bulb; he appeared years older with the way the light played spooky shadows upon his features, darkening them and sharpening the underlying bone, drawing attention to his harrowing, defeated and haggard gaze. He looked—and felt—awful. What he really wanted was to be left alone for several weeks so he could indulge his inner recluse.

As he stared upon his reflection and watched the ugliest bits of his soul surface, he lost himself to the pools of half-feigned, half-formed imaginations, of sinking away from himself into the glass; he couldn't stop and he found he didn't want to either. Strangely, he was fascinated with the decline, and he couldn't tear his eyes from the mess he'd become.

He hadn't realized just how long he'd been staring at the doppelganger in the mirror until the door opened, banging noisily against the wall from the brute force. Startled, he jerked his head in the direction of the entrance, to see Chon leaning in the doorway. Before he could reprimand him for disrespecting his privacy, Chon spoke.

“Get your ass out here. We're on in five.”

Sighing, he picked up his guitar and followed him, shoulders sagging. Dread built inside him, sticking roughly against his throat with every swallow, like sandpaper, as they gathered at the stage entrance. Well, this was it. There was no turning back now. He just hoped he wouldn't fuck things up. Everything was already whirling together in one colorful blur; he felt like he was in a tunnel, surroundings hazy and voices muddled, melting together to form streaks of black and blue and gray, slowly making their way down down _down_. His head swam but he wouldn't let the inner beast take control of him or eat him alive like it desperately wanted to, teeth and claws flashing viciously and raking their way down, straight through his insides.

When he saw Chon move forward to rush out onstage, he knew what he had to do. And so he took a deep, cleansing breath, pasted a smile on his face despite the internal and external roar of a hundred voices, and ran after him, taking the full plunge head first into cold, untested waters. Blinding lights obscured his view of the audience, making him believe that if he just pretended, they wouldn't exist after all. He could just pour his heart out into his music and just be by himself, in his own little world drowning in that blue and black and gray, where no one was fabricated and no one was dead and no one even existed. Pulling the veil up, his breath left him, and he sank beneath that glassy surface into the cool, calming depths of obscurity, of semi-conscious half-formed thoughts and sensations.

No one could see him.


	6. Chapter 5: Blinded by an Imagined Brightness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Chapter Notes: I would've liked to have edited this a bit more, but I don't think I can change it any more than I already have anyway, and I have an exam I should be studying for. :P So I'm doing well to update at all, LOL.
> 
> Thanks to Hellion for beta-ing this chapter. :)
> 
> Disclaimer: These are mere characters based on the members of AFI (not the real members, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

The show turned out to be one of the best Davey had ever attended, exceeding every one of his expectations. They played his favorite songs with a passion and an energy that he felt down to his very core. Chon even interacted with the crowd, including them as much as possible. And on top of all that, Davey got to stand directly under _him_. He couldn't help but stare up at Jade, his idol, in awe. To think, the man he so vehemently followed and held so near and dear was standing almost within his reach. He even managed to catch his eye a few times—or maybe that was just his imagination—but what mattered was he felt like he had.

After the encore wrapped up and the house lights came on, Davey wandered over to the merchandise tables and let out the long breath he'd been holding. Most of the other concert goers were milling about, in the eventual direction of the exit. A majority would probably go home, Davey figured, while a few would go hang around the tour bus waiting for the band to come out. He, on the other hand, was just going to stick around out here in hopes that Smith would see he was still around—if he remembered, that was. Come to think of it, Smith hadn't specified where he was supposed to go either, so he wasn't sure if he should hang around inside or go outside. He figured his best bet was stay put though.

Thirty uneventful minutes passed and he spent the time chatting with the opening bands. He was beginning to think maybe Smith had forgotten after all, and although he had to admit he was disappointed, he was happy enough that the concert had gone well. It was getting late and he decided he should start the drive back to Oakland. Digging his keys out of his pocket, he headed for the doors. Exhaustion was really hitting him hard and his entire body ached from the intensity of the day. He couldn't wait to get home and just collapse into bed to sleep away the rest of the weekend.

He'd hardly reached the door when it swung open, seemingly of its own accord. Much to his surprise, he came face to face with the person he'd been looking for. Instantly taking in his confused expression, Smith laughed and clapped him on the shoulder.

“Hey, sorry for the wait. I had some shit to take care of. Glad I got to you before you left.”

Davey nodded, returning the smile. “It's fine. It's late and you probably have to leave soon—”

“Nah, actually, we're gonna leave tomorrow morning,” Smith told him. His eyes sparkled, and he briefly craned his neck to look behind him, as though searching for something. “I know you're busy too, but I wanted you to meet my brother. He should be here in a few minutes if you're cool with the wait.”

Davey's heart leapt into his throat at the mention of Jade. He was certain his expression gave him away, though he tried his best to stay calm and collected. If that didn't give him away, then his voice surely did when he said, “I'd love to meet him!” He just barely managed to contain himself enough to keep from covering his mouth with both hands and doing a little dance of happiness.

Throwing back his head, Smith laughed again. “Try not to get too excited.”

Davey couldn't stop the sudden warmth from rising to his face, though he waved his embarrassment off as casually as he could. “Oh, please, I can't help it. He's one of the best guitarists around these days—” He caught himself before he could start babbling, or list everything he admired about Jade or, as he was about to mistakenly do, mention how hot he was.

“Hey, don't worry about it. He's talented, that's for sure.” Smith crossed his arms, shifting from side to side and grinning.

Before Davey could say anything to further embarrass himself, the side door opened and none other but Jade slipped in. As he drew closer and finally came to a stop in front of them, hands jammed in his pockets and expression blank, eyes partially obscured by his hair, Davey felt his heart just stop. He swore for that moment, the world stood still, the impact of it taking the breath right out of him and holding something tight and imperceptible in its midst. Even though he knew he was staring, knew his lips were parted slightly at the beauty of the man that stood before him, he couldn't stop it or save face if his life depended on it. So much for all his fantasies about keeping his cool and impressing Jade. This was totally the opposite. But he could hardly care.

Shortly, he felt the air rush his lungs with a sharp sting, and his dried throat finally elicited sound, however tiny and pathetic it was. “Oh...” It was all he _could_ find in himself to say. He was overcome by a sea of emotion and adoration; it was reflected by the gathering moisture in his dark eyes and the tremor that rippled through his body. It meant so much it hurt.

All this time, Jade had not looked at him, not even when he'd first entered. His eyes had been directed either towards the floor or towards some vacant place on the wall, never once crossing paths with Davey's gripping stare. But _finally_ he brought his eyes up to meet Davey's, and they locked.

Davey had never succumbed to such an intense gaze. Maybe it was the awkwardness of the moment, maybe it was something else, but he'd rather have thought it was that _one_ initial moment when mutual attraction and wonder was acknowledged. There was an inexplicable spark between them, he felt, and even if he questioned the truth of it, he felt as though it really were happening. His mind was racing and he was trying very hard to come up with something, anything, to say that wouldn't make him seem like a blathering idiot, something that would make him stand out. But his once eloquent tongue failed him. He had no words. He was rendered utterly, incapably speechless.

It was then that the world began to spin again, action picking up around them from the slow-motion pace they hadn't seemed to recognize before. Jade was the first to shake himself from the trance and offer a hand to Davey. “So you're Davey? Nice to meet you.” He smiled.

Feeling nervous and shaky and sweaty, Davey took his hand and shook it. “Yes.” He offered a smile in return. “It's nice to meet you, too. I've been a big fan for many, many years, ever since you were just a local band in Ukiah.”

Jade laughed—a dry, almost forced sound. “Yeah, Smith told me. I guess you could say I was a fan of yours too.” He pulled his hand from Davey's, causing the other to blush furiously as soon as he realized he hadn't let go.

“Oh, thank you.” He fumbled with words, beyond flattered by this point. “That...that really means a lot to me—coming from you. I can't even begin to describe how much your music means to me.” He ran a hand through his hair.

Jade glanced away momentarily, seeming a little put off by the comment. He almost looked annoyed or bored. “It's good to know I still got it.” Laughing again, he tried to turn his initial reaction into a joke of some sort, but failed miserably and only looked awkward and sheepish. Rubbing the back of his neck, he lowered his gaze again.

Before the moment grew too stifling, Smith broke the inevitable silence that had fallen amongst them. “Jade, weren't you looking for AFI's EP some time ago?”

Blinking, looking jolted, Jade shifted and muttered, “Huh? Oh...yeah, I was.” He glanced away again, seeming nervous and distracted.

It was then that Davey realized just _how_ uncomfortable he was. At first he worried that he was the cause, but looking at him again, he saw that wasn't the case. Pushing it aside, he tried to be friendly again—if nothing else, to put Jade at ease. “If you guys want, I could burn you a copy. I still have an EP in my desk at home.”

“Awesome,” Smith replied. “Thanks. I'll just give you my information and you can send me one.”

“Okay.” Davey rummaged through his bag until he found a piece of paper and a pen. Tearing it in two, he handed one piece, as well as the pen, over to Smith. “I'll give you my information too, just in case you want to talk again or something.”

He patiently waited while Smith wrote down his contact information. When he gave the scrap of paper back to him, he murmured his thanks before taking the second half of the paper and hurriedly scribbling his own information on it. “I'll make a copy tomorrow afternoon,” he promised, smiling. “I'll send it in the mail sometime next week.”

“That'd be great.” Smith folded the paper and put it in his back pocket. “I'll probably call you sometime after the tour is over to let you know what I thought about it, and maybe we can hang out. I'd like to catch up some more.”

Davey nodded eagerly. “Sure. Just drop me a note anytime. I'm free whenever you are.”

“Okay. Cool.” Smith paused, then opened his mouth to say something else, but was interrupted by someone yelling his name. He glanced over at the disgruntled roadie and laughed. “Looks like my work's not done. I guess we'll have to talk later. But I will call you.”

“Fine by me.” Davey returned the smile and waved as Smith started to dash off towards the side door.

He soon became aware that Jade was still standing by his side. Truth be told, he was more than surprised by this. He had figured Jade would've wanted to leave to hang with other fans or his friends. However, when Davey turned around to face him again, Jade was still looking at him from under his blonde fringe, his gaze intense and curious and shy. With sudden interest, he seemingly scrutinized every inch of his being. Honestly, Davey wasn't sure what he was supposed to say or do, but thankfully, Jade solved that problem.

“Hey, um…” Jade jammed his hands in his pockets again, shifting back and forth on his feet. “Want to go grab some coffee or something and talk?”

Davey felt his stomach flip-flop at the possibility of actually getting to sit down and talk to him. Excitement and adrenaline tingled and rushed through him, making him feel dizzy, like it all might just be too much for him to handle. Despite the weak tingle rushing through him, he feebly nodded his assent. “That'd be great.” It was all he could do to rein in his emotions in order to offer a simple, small smile.

Jade jerked his head towards the side door, a tiny smile gracing his full lips as well. “There's a cafe down the street if I'm not mistaken.”

Nodding slowly, as though in a daze, Davey followed him out the door and behind the building, in order to avoid any attention. Actually, he found it kind of odd that Jade wanted to go somewhere alone with him while evading everyone else who might want to talk. He felt a little uneasy all of the sudden—naïve and exposed and suspicious. Normally, he didn't think ill of people's intentions, even strangers, but this... He just didn't know. Quickly, he shrugged it off. He must have a good reason for wanting to talk. After all, they came from similar backgrounds, had gone to the same high school, were roughly the same age, started out on the same local punk scene... He could go on. Still, it didn't completely dispel the nagging suspicion.

Looking at Jade again, he took note of how his shoulders slumped and sagged even though there was a rather agreeable look on his face—but it failed to meet his eyes. Even if he was speculating too much, Jade really did seem lonely. Maybe he just needed a friend. Come to think of it, Jade had changed a _lot_ in behavior and attitude in the decade, publicly raising awareness against drug and alcohol abuse, whereas the rest of Loose Change had stuck to their bad habits. He probably felt distanced from them, like he didn't belong.

He really needed to stop analyzing everyone's actions and motives like that. No one knew what Jade _really_ thought.

Noticing Jade shiver slightly in the cold, night air, Davey took pity on him. On habit, he started to move closer, meaning to help warm him as he would any of his other friends. Jade looked startled by his advance and pulled back a little, uncertain.

“Oh, sorry,” Davey apologized hurriedly. “You just looked cold.” He smiled sheepishly at his companion.

“It's fine,” Jade murmured, laughing wearily. “We're almost there. It'll be warmer inside.”

“Will they be open?” Davey asked, brow furrowing. It was pretty late and he hadn't even thought of the possibility that they would be closed until now.

“I'm sure they will be,” Jade replied as they rounded the street corner.

Sure enough, a charming little cafe was nestled snugly between two larger stores. The lights were still on and there were a few people sitting inside at the tables, sipping coffee, reading novels, and quietly chatting. As soon as Jade pushed the door open, the warmth inside swept out into the frigid air, drawing them in with welcoming arms. Davey had to admit he was more than happy to slip through the door from the cold, empty, dark streets into this lovely place. As he came to a halt by the counter, he blinked in the brighter lights, shivering as Jade brushed past him towards the front. He ordered a latte before turning around to face Davey.

“What do you want?”

Davey blinked and shook his head. “Oh, no, it's okay. I'll get it myself.”

Jade's lips twitched in a quiet smile and his eyes looked warmer for a split-second. “No, really.” He pulled a few dollar bills from his wallet and looked at Davey expectantly. “Well?”

Seeing that Jade wasn't going to take no for an answer, Davey relented. “Chai tea would be nice,” he remarked, then quickly added, “Without the milk though.”

Jade nodded and turned back to the counter, placing the order and paying before standing off to the side to wait for their drinks to be prepared. Davey stepped over to join him, still feeling a little nervous, but quickly adjusting all the same; Jade seemed like a nice guy. He wasn't acting like a hot shot rock star in the least.

Once their drinks were ready, they made their way to the back of the cafe, to a little corner booth where they could talk in private without fear of being disturbed. Davey sipped lightly at his steaming cup of chai, eyes directed down towards the table. “Thanks for the tea.” He took another careful sip, thin lips twitching in anticipation of the scorching liquid.

“You're welcome,” Jade murmured, clearly from habit instead of actual thought. He seemed lost in his own mind.

Even though Davey wasn't currently looking at him—as his eyes were still on the table—he could feel Jade's gaze locked on him. It didn't exactly make him feel uncomfortable per se; rather, he felt a strange mix of confusion and ecstasy. Part of him was flattered that Jade was paying attention to him but at the same time he hoped it was a _good_ thing and not because something was wrong. Slowly, he brought his dark eyes up to meet Jade's, just in time for him to quickly look away.

“Something wrong?” he asked, biting back the smile—but his eyes gave his mirth away.

Clearing his throat, Jade shook his head, grinning and gripping his cup. It was so cute it only served to make Davey smile more. “No, it's just— Excuse me if I'm being too forward or rude but...” His eyes returned to Davey's, holding them as he confessed with all sincerity, “I just think you’re beautiful.”

If he had seemed shy or nervous before at any point, this one bold comment was enough to undo the first impression of him. Davey was more than taken aback—he was absolutely _floored_ by this comment; it seemed so uncharacteristic of the Jade persona he'd observed, built from, and constructed in his mind. Still, he was overwhelmed by the compliment, and rightly flattered.

Lifting a hand up to his mouth to hide the goofy smile spreading across his face, he shook his head in disbelief. “I don't know what to say. Truly, thank you.” He felt his face grow a little warm and for once, he shook his hair in his face to conceal his expression as best as he could. Before he could contain himself and his own bold nature, the comment he'd held privately on the tip of his tongue all evening made itself known. “I could say the same for you. You're quite likely the most beautiful person I've ever seen.”

Jade hung his head, shaking it slowly, his hair falling more in his face and masking his expression. “Sorry, don't believe you. But thanks all the same. That's not what I came here to talk about though.” He backed off again, Davey noted. Perhaps Jade wasn't sure of what he'd said.

To try to show him it was all right, Davey reached out and patted his hand, offering a warm smile. “You don't have to censor yourself. I don't mind.” He paused to sip his drink, then continued. “Anyway, what did you want to talk about?”

To his great relief, his charisma didn't fail him and Jade relaxed visibly. He didn't move his hand either, so Davey let his touch linger for a few moments as Jade replied. “I don't know.” He paused for a long time, simply sitting there and sipping his latte, staring almost forlornly out the window. A loud sigh. “Did you ever skate?”

This question surprised Davey. “Yeah, a lot. Why?”

“Did you ever go to the skate park near the high school?” Jade propped his chin in his hand, seemingly lost in the memory as he ran his hand up and down his cup, sad smile permanently etched across his features.

“Occasionally,” Davey replied. “My group mostly stuck to school grounds or our streets. Lame, I know, but that was our territory.”

“Oh.” Jade's eyes flickered down to the table. “My friends, my brother, and I—we hung out there a lot. Fucked around, had some good times. Little things like that—I miss it, you know?” He glanced at Davey again, anxiously, as though seeking approval and agreement.

Slowly, Davey nodded. “High school had its ups and downs but it was one of the best times of my life.” Familiar nostalgia once again caught hold of him, tossing him back in time and sparking that insatiable ache inside him. He knew it showed on his face too by the way Jade's warm hand suddenly grasped his own, rough thumb rubbing the back of it comfortingly. A small gasp died behind his lips at the gesture.

“It was pretty fucking awesome.” Jade sighed heavily, almost regretfully. “Sometimes I want to go back.” Silence. He continued to gingerly rub the back of Davey's hand as he stared down at it, tilting it this way and that as he studied it. “You know, this might sound really weird but I feel like you and I have a lot in common. Maybe we both have a lot of regrets, and sometimes it's like you want to give up. Except the difference between you and me is you're more optimistic about it. You seem like you'd fight for what you wanted.”

Davey shook his head, unable to help the soft laugh that fell so gracelessly from his lips. “You'd be surprised. I didn't fight for what I wanted.”

“I'm sure everyone has those moments. I mean, you wouldn't give up on life like that, right? You'd find something good about it.” He sighed heavily and tilted his head to the side, leaning on the table. “I'm sorry; I shouldn't be talking like this. I don't even fucking know you.”

“Hey, don't worry about it,” Davey assured him in all sincerity and concern. “If something's bothering you I'll be glad to lend an ear to listen. I honestly don't mind.”

Jade was quiet as he watched the other occupants of the cafe, only moving to take a large gulp of his coffee. His fingers twitched and tapped on the cup, his mind seemingly at unrest. Turning back to Davey, he forced a smile. “No, it's okay. Don't worry about it. Let's talk about something else. Anything.” His eyes practically pleaded with Davey to change the subject and change it fast.

“Okay.” Davey racked his brain, trying to think of something else they could talk about. He kept pulling up a blank.

They ended up sitting there for a long time in silence, each to his own thoughts. It was actually Jade who broke the silence with a few questions, ranging from AFI to high school days to Davey's current occupation. Davey found it odd that Jade wanted to know so much about him, but figured it was because he felt a connection, a safety about talking with him—at least, he hoped so. Within time, Jade slowly began to unwind and unfurl himself; once he opened up a bit, the two ended up talking for nearly an hour and a half. Davey fell into a state of comfort then, feeling as though he'd known Jade for years. Undoubtedly, they did get along quite well, given that they had so much in common and had similar viewpoints on life and society. This combined with the fact that Davey had observed and learned about Jade over the years made him feel at ease, and he was able to have a deep conversation with him. It was unlike anything he'd ever dreamed of—far superior to it, actually. And by the time they saw they were the last ones in the shop and decided to leave, Davey felt almost like they were old friends.

Jade was the first to stand. He stretched his lanky limbs and smiled pleasantly down at Davey, who smiled back just as warmly. “We should be going now. Come on.” He headed for the door, gesturing for Davey to follow him.

Puzzled as to why Jade didn't want to part ways, Davey trotted after him, out onto the street. The cold wind whipped his hair into his face and sent bone-chilling shivers down his spine. This time, Jade was the one to draw nearer, draping an arm around Davey's shoulders and bringing him close against his side. Surprised, Davey stared up at him with a confused gaze. He received no answer for it, only a large, wolfish grin.

“It's been so nice to finally connect with someone who has some common sense,” Jade told him as they walked down the sidewalk, illuminated by pools of yellowed light. “I almost don't want to let you go for the night.”

Davey laughed softly, his breath coming out in a wisp of smoky air. “I don't know if I want to go either. Tonight's been wonderful.” He glanced up at Jade's face, grateful for the time he'd spent with him.

Jade pressed closer, his face partially against the side of Davey's head, burying his nose in his hair. Davey felt an instant shiver run through his body at the touch, but it wasn't from the cold. “Don't go then,” Jade murmured, lips moving against his hair. He squeezed Davey's shoulder, sighing audibly.

Taken off guard, Davey glanced up at Jade's brown eyes as his heart hammered away in his throat. What was he implying? He couldn't be certain, but he sure as hell knew what that sounded like, especially with the way Jade's hand was rubbing his arm up and down slowly, their hips and sides pressed tightly together. Swallowing hard around the growing lump in his throat, he asked in a low voice, “What do you mean?”

Jade pulled back slightly, allowing a rush of cold air to pass between them. He gazed down at Davey, hands on both his shoulders as he spoke quietly, imploringly. “Please come back with me. I don't want you to go yet.”

Davey shuddered visibly. He glanced off down the street to see if anyone was watching, but at this hour there was no one. If Jade was saying what he thought he was, he didn't think he could stay any longer because if he did, he'd surely crack. “I don't think it's a good idea.” He looked down at the ground. Again, he felt Jade drawing nearer. Jade slipped his arms around his waist, holding him lightly. “I don't know if you mean it the way I'm taking it, but if you want me to come back to your room with you, I don't think I can do it. I don't know you.”

“Maybe it was too bold of me.” Jade stepped closer, his arms enveloping more of Davey, as he wasn't exactly resisting or pulling away.

Sure, his words might have told Jade that he couldn't do this, but his body and his eyes sure as hell weren't. Instead of jerking away like he knew he should've and turning around to go home, he found himself melting into the touch. Even though he'd never admit it, he'd been aching for this, dreaming about this, for years. A soft tremor and quietly spoken _oh_ escaped his control as Jade's calloused hands gently caressed his arms and back, mouth barely touching his temple. He felt like the words enough had been too much to resist, but _this_ was where his breaking point was, and all control fell from him into Jade's realm.

And that was when Jade dealt the final blow. “I just really like you. Is that so wrong?”

Feeble and weak and dry-mouthed, Davey shook his head, at a complete loss for words. He could hardly breathe, could hardly swallow.

Tilting his chin up with a finger and a thumb, Jade stared into his eyes for a long moment. The only sound Davey was aware of was the thundering beat of blood rushing in his ears. Jade's fingers drifted agonizingly tender and slow over his lips and down his chin to his neck, tracing every hot curve. Davey felt his eyes widen as Jade leaned forward, brushing his mouth to his own. His full lips ghosted over Davey’s mouth, and were just as soft as he had imagined they would be. Another, almost violent, shiver racked his body as Jade's hot, wet tongue probed gingerly at his lip ring. When he opened his mouth, Jade bit down on his lower lip hard—not enough to cause any real pain but just enough to send a shock through his nerves. He moaned softly into the kiss as his eyes fluttered shut in ecstasy, his own body taking control as he heartily returned the affection. His hands took a mind of their own as they traveled carefully over Jade's sides and back, tentatively and tenderly exploring.

Pulling away with a loud smacking sound, Jade regarded Davey with half-closed, lusting eyes. His hot breaths graced Davey's cold skin, raising goose bumps in their wake. This was when he posed the question aloud, thumb running over his collarbone. “Will you stay with me tonight?”

Davey's mouth hopelessly flapped open and closed. He knew what he said could possibly change things as he knew it. It felt like the longest moment of his life as he debated with himself over the answer; if he said yes, it might not be the best decision in the long run, but if he said no, he was turning down the opportunity of a lifetime and the man he'd been wanting with all his heart for years. Already, he felt as though his mind had been made up for him; in that brief moment, he decided whatever happened would be worth it because Jade meant something to him, and he felt a sort of love for him even if it wasn’t in the true or conventional sense. Jade's body crashed into his own again, eliciting a sharp gasp of biting air that stung and stole more oxygen from his lungs. Even in the cold, he felt damp and clammy and overheated; his clothes clung to him insistently.

Gripping the fabric of Jade's jacket with long, painted nails, Davey nodded, gulping desperate breaths. “I'll stay with you.”

Without giving a reply, Jade pressed his body against the brick wall, capturing him in a searing, bruising kiss. His cold hands slipped up under Davey's shirt, groping the heated, sweaty skin feverishly, moving up from his stomach to his chest and spreading out fully. A moment of frantic kissing passed before Jade pulled away, lips quirking upwards and eyes flashing mischievously.

Davey smiled feebly as Jade grasped his hand firmly in his own. They hurried down the street, overcome by excitement and hormones and burning, aching need. Even before they reached the hotel, Davey realized he'd made a mistake, but felt as though he couldn't— _wouldn't_ —back out of it now. No, he wanted this. He wanted this so much it was painful, so much it scared him, and he'd do anything to ensure nothing stopped them.


	7. Chapter 6: Truth Is Never Perfection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Chapter Notes: I promise I'm going to try to update this on time from now on. It's just that exams set the editing and beta-ing back. Anyway, I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter (which is almost a year old *cough*) but I hope you'll enjoy it. There's plenty more to come!
> 
> Thanks to Hellion for beta-ing.
> 
> Disclaimer: These are mere characters based on the members of AFI (not the real members, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

The entire trek to Jade's hotel room had been spent kissing and clawing and groping in feverish need to feel each others' touch. Now they were finally alone, and as soon as the door had shut, they kicked their shoes off and made their way over to the bed. Jade stood in front of Davey, grasping his shoulders and shoving him down to the bed, taking him completely off guard. He gasped as Jade climbed on top of his trembling body, straddling his hips and tugging his shirt off. The desperate nature of his actions was slightly unnerving, but Davey just couldn't will himself to care as Jade ground their hips together, the resulting friction positively mind-bending. It had been all too long since Davey had had some good rough sex.

Davey propped himself up on his elbows, staring up at Jade's face. Body rigid and chest heaving, Jade paused, perhaps noticing that Davey's eyes were affixed on him. He peered down, lips slightly parted.

Slipping his arms around Jade's waist and hugging him gently, laying his cheek against his warm chest, Davey closed his eyes and murmured, “How do you want to do this?”

Jade faltered. Quickly composing himself, he waved it off as casually as possible. “Let's just go with it.” He grasped Davey's wrists, pinning them over his head and stretching his body out over him.

Sensing Jade's slight hesitation, Davey asked, amused, “What? Never been with another man before?” His grin turned impish, and judging by the way Jade fumbled and blushed, he didn't need to reply for Davey to know it was true. Laughing softly, Davey raked his fingers through Jade's hair, letting his nails barely scrape against the sensitive scalp. “Don't worry. It's easy enough.” He leaned up to press burning, fervent kisses against Jade's neck, moving up from his collarbone to the sensitive area directly under his chin. Every so often, he nipped at the tender flesh, causing Jade to shiver.

Jade's nails dug hard into his wrists, to the point of pain but it only served to turn Davey on more. Smirking, he bucked his hips upwards to meet Jade's, grinding their clothed erections together as his body arched further. He felt Jade's body tremble and collide into his own again in response, and a tremor of adrenaline rushed through his veins.

Without warning, Davey seized Jade's arms and rolled him over so he was now perched atop, pressing him into the mattress and holding him there firmly. A low growl escaped Jade's throat and he clutched Davey's wrists too tightly.

“Dirty, aren't you?” Jade gasped, shaking his fringe from his face and staring up deviously.

There was a certain fire and intensity burning in his eyes as he regarded Davey, a certain longing and lust that made him feel like his heart was fluttering in his throat ready to burst. He caught his breath for a short second, the strangled noise filling the room. Jade laughed quietly as he ran an elongated finger from Davey's nose down his neck, then right down the middle of his body to his navel, where it circled tantalizingly slow.

“Fuck, you're gorgeous.” His finger dared to dip lower to trace the edges of the tattoo barely visible past his waistband.

Davey grasped Jade's hand in his own quivering one, guiding it lower and lower yet. His breathing grew ragged in response to the sensation of Jade's heated touch gracing his skin; his mouth grew slack and hung open in a silent moan, eyes crinkled shut. _Fuck_. Just having him touch him in any way was driving him crazy. This man was going to be the death of him.

Sucking in a few greedy breaths, Davey tilted his chin back to stare wide-eyed up at the ceiling, trying to compose himself enough to speak. A few incoherent syllables escaped his throat as Jade's hand rubbed circles on his belly, other hand sneaking around to squeeze his ass. Gulping again, chest still heaving, Davey murmured, “You know, I don't let just anyone have the privilege of topping me. But you can be an exception.”

That was all Jade needed. Without waiting for Davey to brace himself or further the foreplay, he shoved him back down against the mattress with such force it took the breath right out of him. For a moment, Davey stared up at the ceiling, dazed, his mouth unhinged and gaping, practically useless. Jade shoved a knee between his legs, rubbing it against the bulge and utterly rendering him helpless, at his mercy. He writhed, tiny incomprehensible noises falling gracelessly from his lips in time with the thrusts given against his crotch.

So much for playing a more seductive role. Jade seemed ready to just get down to business. Shame, really, because Davey could do a lot more things with his tongue than most people could with their bodies.

This wasn't going to do because he had a lot more to offer and Jade wasn't giving him the chance to perform like he needed to. He wanted to make this memorable for the both of them. After all, it was a once in a lifetime thing, and he didn't know if he'd see Jade after this.

Seizing Jade by the scarf around his neck, he yanked him forward harshly, letting their lips crash together, feeling their teeth smack from the force. Winding the scarf around his hand and wrist, he forced Jade in closer and closer as they mouthed at each other, tongues sliding sloppily, hot and wandering. He bit down on Jade's lower lip a few times—an action that Jade mimicked only much harder, taking his lip ring between his teeth and biting down painfully. His eyes tore into Davey, unforgiving and unfeeling. A gasp died in Davey’s throat but he refused to obey. Instead, he pressed up against Jade again, rubbing their hips together up and down as he tightened his grip on the scarf, and in turn, Jade refused to relinquish Davey's lip. So Davey tugged on the scarf more insistently, enough to choke him for however long he chose. He stared back up at Jade, never averting his eyes.

Jade responded by chewing harder on Davey's lip, eliciting a small whimper of pain from him. He squirmed in discomfort as his already cracked lips split, and Jade tongued the wound. Yanking on the scarf again was enough to make Jade choke, and finally, _finally_ , he let go of Davey's lip. Relieved, Davey allowed his hold to become lax, and Jade gasped loudly.

Already exhausted and out of breath, he collapsed on top of Davey, trembling, fingers gripping Davey's shoulders and heart pounding wildly against his chest. A few harsh breaths later, he lifted his shaggy head to speak. “Jesus, you're intense.”

“Get used to it, _darling_ ,” Davey spat, smirking devilishly as he stared up. “You’re going to remember this; I can promise you that.”

“I guess that's a privilege a lot of people don’t get, huh?” Jade asked, looking amused.

Briefly, Davey couldn't help but think Jade should be honored; after all, he was tossing away all caution to the wind for this one moment. And for what—sex with a rock star? Absolutely ridiculous. Fuck, he knew it was—but it wasn't like that was all to it.

Expression softening, he reached up and tenderly stroked the side of Jade’s face. The skin there was hot and damp with sweat and grime, but he didn’t mind. So what if he was sweaty and filthy, still wearing his stage clothes which had been washed God knew how long ago? He was still Jade. Davey would've liked to have thought this was _his_ Jade, but he wasn't going to shit himself. This wasn't his Jade. Maybe for the moment he was, but it wouldn't last forever. A bitter heaviness weighed his stomach down, and he had to swallow his disappointment back, focus on the moment and only the moment.

Jade seemed to have regained his strength at this point, leaning away from Davey's touch and sitting up on his abdomen, momentarily crushing him. He pulled the scarf off, revealing reddened marks from where the fabric had chafed his skin. First he let his scarf drop to the floor, then he twisted to slip out of his shirt, muscles tensing and shifting as he did so. Once he'd finished, he toyed with his belt buckle, drawing Davey's attention to his long fingers—but they lost his interest when his eyes drifted upwards to fall upon the lettering on Jade's stomach. Something inside him tugged, felt strange and awkward, and he had to swallow it back, had to tell himself that whoever Jade had been committed to before didn’t matter right now. He almost felt like he was violating something sacred.

The soft clink of the buckle's release drew his eyes back to Jade's hips, watching as each side of the belt fell limply against his thighs. The button and zipper were next to be undone—though it took a bit of wriggling to escape the tight pants—but they, too, were soon on the floor. Davey felt his heart skip a beat and his stomach jump; he knew what would be revealed next. Without hesitation, Jade slipped out of his underwear, leaving every inch exposed to Davey's eyes.

His lips pursed at the sight; Jade wasn't as well-endowed as he was but he wasn't too shabby either. Gradually, his eyes traveled over Jade’s form in its entirety, over the smooth, freckle-dusted skin and the sharp angles of bones protruding through paper flesh. He could have spent a good few minutes staring at him, taking every bit in, studying him and burning his image into memory; however, Jade had other ideas.

Quite unlike earlier, he slipped from the bed and stood, carefully drawing Davey up with him, arms slipping around him as he raised him. He ran his calloused, rough hands gently over the skin of Davey's shoulders and arms, staring into his eyes the entire time. For the moment, he had a tender look about him; Davey could hardly believe this was the same man. He could do nothing but stare back almost lovingly, gripping his arms.

Chuckling lightly, Jade turned Davey around and began running his hands over his skin, tracing the lines of every exposed tattoo. His touch left goose bumps in its wake, and one swipe over Davey's spine sent shivers downwards, his breathing growing ragged and heavy. Jade's breathless response flooded his ear as he pressed close against his back, ghosting quiet kisses against his throbbing pulse. Nimble fingers moved downwards to cup his erection and squeeze it as the other hand stroked his hip, moving in to unfasten his pants and free him from his restrictions. Several warm, tingling waves washed over Davey's body, starting at his shoulders and moving down to his toes. He shuddered pleasantly as Jade's hand slipped into his jeans, skin brushing against skin so delicately.

He gasped Jade’s name softly, the quiet murmur barely audible above their harsh breaths. The tone behind that one word summed up everything he felt at the moment, everything he felt for and wanted from Jade.

He trembled vigorously as Jade's hand explored the region, acquainting itself with his inner thighs and balls and finally his cock. As his tongue grazed Davey’s neck languidly, he let his free hand fell on Davey's side and grasped tightly, right above his hip. A few soft growls rumbled low in Jade's throat—a primal and erotic sound. It was enough to prickle Davey's flesh; every hair on the back of his neck was standing on end as the vibration made itself known against his shoulder. He felt long nails rake gently against the underside of his cock, thumb grazing the head and the edge of the slit there.

“Oh…” The sound was louder, involuntary.

He squeezed his eyes shut, spine curving away from Jade. Dropping the back of his head on Jade's shoulder, he stared up at him with a desperate gaze. Jade ignored the look and pulled his hand away to spit in his palm, then wrapped his fingers around Davey's cock and spread the makeshift lubrication, pumping two or three times as he slid his hand up and down.

 

Davey clawed at his arm, feeling weak. “P-Please.”

His voice seemed to break the trance and Jade's demeanor changed once more. Removing his hand, he tore Davey’s pants down to his feet. No sooner had Davey kicked them off did he find himself with his stomach pressed up against the edge of the bed, Jade's hand pinning him down by the back of the neck. A low groan of protest was his initial response.

“F-Fuck,” he moaned, as Jade lifted his head slightly only to slam it down again. He paused to catch his breath, trying to crane his neck to look around him—but Jade wouldn’t let him. Hurriedly, he said, “I hope you're going to prepare me.”

“Um, yeah.”

As Jade climbed on Davey's back, he gradually loosened his grip. The weight on his spine caused him to groan again, but he was soon silenced as his face was pressed harder into the mattress. Feeling like he was being smothered, he clawed at the blankets, but Jade ignored him and kept him there. What felt like minutes passed, and he writhed awkwardly until Jade released him only to flip him over onto his back. For a moment, Davey felt dizzy and disoriented; the room seemed to spin before falling back into focus. Jade grasped his neck and slammed his head back into the mattress, nails digging into the soft flesh. Davey's eyes fluttered shut and a strangled moan escaped as the shock and electricity sped down to his cock. He had never felt so hard in his life.

Shoving two bony fingers past Davey's shut, but willing, lips, Jade commanded, voice dripping with venom, “Suck.”

Complying, Davey hollowed his cheeks and sucked hard, pulling them all the way into his mouth until his lips were against Jade's knuckles. He gagged slightly but suppressed it the best he could, focusing instead on running his tongue up and down and around. Judging by the taste, Jade probably hadn't washed his hands since the show. Actually, knowing his hands were dirty kind of turned him on even more.

He was such a filthy, _filthy_ creature.

Without warning, Jade withdrew his fingers with a wet pop, and some of the gathered saliva flew and dribbled onto Davey's chest. He gave him little time to recover because soon he'd replaced the fingers with something much larger. The next thing Davey knew, Jade had shoved his cock in his agape mouth, and he had to suppress another gag as the tip hit the back of his throat.

Gripping Davey's face, Jade began to fuck his mouth—and he wasn't gentle either. Davey kept his lips folded, kept his mouth as taut as he could, using his tongue to tease the slit and sensitive underside. Jade raked angry red marks over his skin, groaning softly, then again louder. Grunting, he began shoving harder, pressing Davey against the headboard. It was too much for him to take, and he finally gagged. Much to his relief, though, Jade pulled out from his mouth. Davey watched pre-cum and saliva dribble down from the tip of Jade’s cock, and swallowed what little had gathered in his mouth. He parted his lips to suck in a hungry breath of the air he so needed, but Jade refused him. Grabbing his face and squeezing, he lunged forward like an animal towards prey and captured his lips in a long, stifling kiss.

Davey clawed at his shoulders, desperately needing to breathe. He squeezed his eyes shut as Jade sucked the life out of him, shoving a knee into his stomach. A small grunt caught in his throat but he didn't have the pleasure of letting it escape his body properly. His lungs burned and demanded relief; the tightening pressure was building up inside of him and he thought he would explode from lack of oxygen before that of orgasm.

Eventually, Jade pulled back to catch his own breath, giving Davey the chance to gulp a few, starving mouthfuls before he was shoved down again. Even he didn't think he could take much more of this. Although he had plenty of kinks, this was getting too violent.

“Jade,” he managed to squeak out as Jade's hand wrapped around his neck again. He reached up to grip his hand, nails digging into the skin. “Please...”

“Beg,” Jade commanded, straddling his chest and compressing his lungs further. He was not willing to give up so easily. “Tell me exactly what you want.”

His fingers tightened cruelly around Davey's throat, leaving him nearly incapable of answering. “F-fuck...”

“Fuck what?” Jade whispered, leaning closer in Davey's face. He let his tongue draw a wet line from his temple down to the tender area behind his ear.

“Just f-fuck me already.” Davey squirmed, managing to suck in the short breath Jade allowed to slip by.

Smile seeming less severe now, Jade traced his forefinger over Davey's thin lips and pressed softly between them. He felt every inch of them, mapping them out, knowing them. It stopped against the tip of his tongue, and Davey swallowed hard, audibly. The tension was suffocating.

“How?” Jade asked, with delightful, childlike innocence. His dark eyes laughed their mirth.

The question served to send a chilling shock down Davey's spine and cock. He groaned and let his head flop to one side to escape Jade's intense gaze. But Jade whipped his head around again, forcing Davey to look at him as he repeated his question.

“ _How_?”

It was fiercer this time—the need and urgency were apparent. How was Davey to deny him an answer? Licking his lips around Jade's finger, he took a shaky, rattled breath and replied, “Hard.”

“That was pathetic,” Jade mused. He slapped Davey across the face; it was forceful enough to leave a burning sting. “Come on. You can do better.”

He glanced to the side, suddenly unsure of how to react. When he didn't answer right away, Jade's finger probed his mouth before withdrawing, as though he could find the answer in there and pull it out for himself.

Blowing out a heavy breath, he closed his eyes tightly for a brief moment and indulged Jade despite his dislike for this game. “I want—” He paused to swallow the gathering spit, his entire body wracked in nerves. “—I want it rough and raw and dirty. Just fuck me and don't stop.”

Several beats elapsed, and they stared at each other, unmoving. “That's better,” Jade finally decided. He leaned down to plant a small kiss on Davey's lips before he slipped off his chest, allowing him to breathe fully and completely for the first time in what felt like hours. Air flooded his lungs in a rush; he felt almost like he was floating.

Rummaging through the drawer of the nearby nightstand, Jade retrieved a condom and some lube. Davey watched him through hazy, half-closed eyes, shivering in a cold sweat. He wondered if Jade would be rough with him to the point he couldn't take it. The rougher foreplay had been fun to a point but he was a little worried Jade would just wreck him and that would be that. Letting his eyes fall shut, he ran a hand through his tousled hair and released a shuddering breath.

He heard the crinkle of the condom wrapper, the rip of Jade tearing it open, the fumbling of slipping it on. There were hushed shuffling noises and he felt Jade's weight on the bed, crawling closer to where he lay, anticipating. He heard the soft squishing noises from the tube and the rougher sound of skin rubbing against skin. A slick finger touched his ass unexpectedly, causing him to arch and shy away from it on instinct.

“It's okay,” Jade whispered, lips and warm breath just inches from his ear. “I won't hurt you.”

“Have you done this before?” Davey asked, laughing weakly. He wondered if he should instruct him.

There was a brief pause, and Davey felt Jade's finger trail lazy, cool circles around his entrance. A quiet sigh. “Yeah, I've done it with girls so I know what to do.”

Davey relaxed, feeling Jade’s full lips brush a soft kiss against the tip of his ear, nose burying in his hair and blowing gentle, hot puffs of air against his scalp. Slowly, his finger eased in. It moved in and out several moments; all Davey could hear was the pounding of his heart at this point. It didn’t hurt, but it was a little uncomfortable whenever Jade’s nail scraped against him—but only because he wasn’t expecting it.

“You okay?” Jade's voice broke the deafening stillness that had surrounded them. When Davey nodded, he warned, “I'm going to add another.”

His body tensed a bit more to the addition of the second finger, but it wasn't anything he couldn't handle. Pressing his body closer, he impaled himself and wriggled to get Jade's fingers to brush his prostate. After a few moments of shifting to get the right angle, Davey pressed himself down again and Jade’s nail scraped against the bundle of nerves, sending a hot, aching wave through his entire being. He groaned loudly at the sensation.

“One more,” Davey told him, eyelids fluttering open just enough to look up.

Jade looked surprised but nodded, slipping a third in. This one took more time for his muscles to accommodate. It was more uncomfortable and he’d be lying if he said it didn’t hurt but, once more, it wasn’t anything he couldn't handle. He kept watching Jade, propping himself up on his elbows and rocking his hips slowly in time with the fingering, and slowly, he felt himself beginning to relax. Jade's long fingers were doing wonders for him; waves of pleasure surged through him and warmed him, making him ache for more.

Gripping the sheets and clenching his teeth, he moaned, “Fuck me now.”

Instead of replying, Jade stroked himself a few times with lubricant, then climbed over Davey and propped himself up on his elbows. Davey let his body fall, the back of his head bumping the headboard, and lifted his legs to sling over Jade's shoulders so his body was trapped between Jade's body and the bed. Crawling in closer, Jade stared down intently and carefully guided his erection to Davey's entrance.

First came a harsh thrust. Davey grunted in discomfort as the head popped past the reluctant ring of muscle. Tilting his head back, he let out a shuddering gasp at the feeling of being fully filled, then clenched his fists and teeth, trying to get used to the feeling, trying to get past the pain. Actually, he almost could forget the initial pain because he was too shocked this was truly happening. He was fucking Jade Puget. His heart raced.

He was torn from his thoughts as Jade pulled most of the way out and slammed back into him, shoving him against the headboard. A small cry of discomfort on Davey's behalf. He gripped Jade's shoulders, pulling himself closer, nails digging crescent-moon shaped wedges into his back. Gradually, the pain subsided and warm waves of sensation passed over him. His head lolled back as Jade picked up the pace, crushing him with his bony, lanky body and pressing him so hard into the pillows and dragging his lips over every available inch of skin he could reach and...

Davey wasn't forming thoughts anymore. It was only electric sensation rushing through his veins and heating his blood to boiling point. He didn’t know how anything could feel this fucking good. Dragging his nails sharply down Jade's skin, he elicited a hiss from him. In response, Jade arched his spine and Davey bucked upwards to meet him, hips colliding in a satisfying smack. Pleasure flooded over him; his vision grew blurry for a moment. He wasn't even aware he had cried out Jade's name in the form of a strangled scream until he heard it linger heavily in the air. Shuddering, he clung with all his might, toes curling as Jade pounded into him. Finally getting the hang of it, Jade hit his prostate several times in a row and—taking note of Davey's reactions—grew more precise with his thrusts.

Grasping him by his hair, Jade jerked upwards to force him into a harsh kiss. His tongue ran over Davey's lips, his mouth swallowing every heavy breath. He pulled harder, causing a shock of pain to melt with a shock of ecstasy, and Davey returned the kiss feverishly, open-mouthed and frantic and longing.

He would've liked to draw the moment out, but Jade didn't want to take it slow. Shoving his hips, he threw Davey back against the headboard and gripped his throat once more. A strangled cry of Jade's name. Davey stared up at him, almost expecting to see a maniacal grin dominating his usually gentle features. Instead, Jade's brow was furrowed intently, mouth slightly agape and eyes glazed over. He gripped his neck harder, cutting off all airflow as he continued to slam into Davey, who moved to meet him each time despite the strain on his limbs. Thirty seconds of this was all it took to make Davey's head swim. And as Jade ran his thumb over his chin and lower lip, toying with the lip ring but never releasing his grip, Davey thought he would die.

Jade's movements grew erratic. Desperately, he pressed down, using his strength as well as his weight. Feeling the warm moisture of pre-cum slipping down his cock, Davey shivered and tightened his hold around Jade, lungs burning and aching; it felt like some unknown, untouched creature inside of him was pounding at his core, demanding to be released, and the pressure was increasing, tingling every nerve from the tip of his toes to his scalp. His vision was growing darker—fuck that, he was sure he'd gone blind.

The grip around his neck loosened yet his chest felt tight and paralyzed; however, a particularly sharp shove against his prostate taught him how to breathe again. It was then that Jade's hand found his cock and stroked, squeezing almost too hard and slipping up and down easily with the residue of lube and pre-cum. The pulsing sensations were building up more inside him; he felt like he had a thousand insects ready to burst from within.

A ragged gasp served as the first warning, then Jade let out a string of curses and profanities like Davey had never heard anyone utter before. He gazed up, tiny purple dots still clouding his vision as Jade chewed down on his bottom lip. A bead of sweat ran down agonizingly slow from his forehead down his throat and Adam's apple, and that was absolutely it.

As soon as Jade slammed into his prostate again, fingers tightening around his cock and thumb rubbing over the head, Davey lost it. For a moment, he felt the pressure build up to an unbearable apex, blinding his vision again and pushing him over the edge of the highest precipice he'd teetered upon. He felt like was he was falling, driven swiftly towards the ground at a pace faster than he could manage. The pleasure surged through every vein, blood beating hotly against every wall, heart thundering in his ears. Every inch tingled and screamed its release; he screamed Jade's name in the form of a curse. His cum splattered all across Jade's stomach and chest, a few drops alighting on his nose and cheek near his mouth.

The sensation of muscles momentarily caving in around him was what sent Jade over the edge. As he came, still buried deep within his body, he bit down on Davey's shoulder so ferociously he cried out again. Just knowing he'd made _Jade_ orgasm made Davey shiver, and if it had been possible, he would've come all over again from that thought alone.

A final, loud sigh, and Jade collapsed on top of Davey, a spent, worn heap. He lay there for only a moment before he shifted just enough to pull out and dispose of the condom. Then, he climbed back over him, resting. Both men lay quietly, save for their heavy breathing. Davey slipped his arms around Jade and rested his cheek against his shoulder, closing his eyes and just holding him gently, sighing softly in contentment. That had been a really good fuck. Probably one of the best he'd ever had because of who it had been with.

Jade idly ran a hand up and down Davey's arm, cheek against the pillow so he could watch him. An involuntary shiver ran through him each time Jade's lips brushed that tender spot behind his ear, right over his broken heart tattoo. He trailed the kisses tenderly down Davey's neck and back up again. Pushing Davey back against the pillows and entangling his fingers in his hair, he laid a gentle kiss right on his lips, which he returned eagerly.

After a moment, they pulled away with a quiet smacking sound. They continued to stare into each others' eyes—Jade down at Davey and Davey up at Jade. Tentatively, Davey ran a finger over Jade's cheek, fondling it, and in response, Jade took his hand in his own, lightly pressing each fingertip to his lips. Then, he allowed Davey's hand to drop and laid his head back down to the pillows.

Davey was the first to break the silence. “Hey—” He paused, unsure of himself, unsure of showing this kind of vulnerability. How foolish of him to think of saying this to someone he barely knew. Despite his worries, he plunged forward, speaking quietly. “This might sound ridiculous, but I love you. Maybe I'm not in love with you, and maybe I don't love you like a friend or family or a partner could, but in some ways it’s true.” He stared up, eyes pained and reflecting the star-crossed, romantic soul that lingered beneath the dark exterior.

Jade stared back, expression unreadable for a long, strained moment. Davey chewed his lower lip, already beginning to regret the words which had passed his lips. Honestly, even if Jade knew what he meant, he still shouldn't have said it like that. He shouldn't have said it at all. Feeling awkward all of the sudden, he uttered a quick, murmured apology. The tension had returned tenfold.

Slowly, Jade lifted himself from Davey, tearing away from his arms. He wouldn't look at him. Now Davey knew he'd been wrong. He sat up as well, running a shaky hand through his hair.

“That was wrong of me to say,” he said softly, sincerely, “I didn't mean it like—”

Jade shook his head, peering at him with disgust. “Don't.” A heavy sigh of exasperation. “I don't want to hear it. I know what you meant. That's not it. Just...” He trailed off again, gripping the comforter until his knuckles turned white.

Davey crawled closer. “Well, what was it then?” He held his breath, waiting, knowing that whatever it was, it wasn't going to be good.

Jade didn't even look at him as he answered, tone icy and unforgiving. “You really think you mean something to me? Don't be stupid. Just fucking leave already.” He glared.

Sucking in a short breath, Davey tried not to let the shock overwhelm him. This was certainly different from the way he'd been treated all along, but then again, there _had_ been indicators that sex was all he’d been wanted for and Jade didn't really care for him in the least. He felt numb—at least for the moment.

Seeing that he wasn't leaving yet, Jade spoke again, harsher. “What are you waiting for? I said get out. I don't want to fucking see you anymore.”

It took a moment for Davey to form a response. Already, he felt a sense of bitterness and betrayal washing over him. He should've known better. Yes, it was his fault for letting himself get caught in this situation but Jade's behavior was uncalled for. “So, that's all I'm good for, huh?” He licked his lower lip, expression darkening.

As the shock receded, he could feel a massive outburst building up on the tip of his tongue, ready to lash out at Jade. How could he have been so wrong about him? How could Jade, in reality, be such an asshole? The way Jade was looking at him right now, with such scorn and annoyance and disgust, was enough to turn his stomach in more than one way. So Jade hadn't been different after all. He wasn't unlike any other senseless celebrity. If he hadn't been so angry, the disappointment would've been enough to draw a few tears.

Jade finally spoke again, apathetic and uncaring. “Yeah, basically.”

Frowning, Davey stood and snatched his clothes. The entire time he dressed, he shot angry glances in Jade's direction. “You had me fooled. I thought you had values and intelligence. I thought you were actually interested in me. But I guess you just say that to anyone you meet, huh?” He paused. That brief moment gave him enough time to think, enough time to send his temper over the edge. “You know what? Fuck you! You might think you're entitled to whatever you goddamn please but you’re not. You're as fucking human as everyone else, and you're no better than an ordinary person. No, I'd say you were much, much lower. Goes to show what _you_ think of your fans. I wasn't expecting anything but a little goddamn respect. How can you show that to me, though, when you don't even respect yourself? Well, I regret everything I gave you, and I can safely say I won't be supporting _you_ anymore.”

Huffing, he finished adjusting his shirt, face flushed and dampened all over again. Jade was staring at him stupidly, mouth hanging open, as though he'd never been talked to like that before. Did no one have _any_ sense anymore? All he’d wanted was to be treated politely and respectfully. That was the least Jade could’ve done.

The half-wounded, half-disgusted look Jade was giving him was too much. The adrenaline coursed through his body in a rush; he could hardly control himself. However, instead of beating his face in like he so desperately wanted to, he decided to compromise and dealt one hard, satisfying blow, the loud snap resounding in the small space. It was just enough to leave a sizable bruise on his cheek and throw him down to the bed without doing any real damage.

Standing back, he breathed angrily, his tone dripping with venom and ice. “I truly hope you wake up one day, and realize treating people like shit only results in loneliness.” Storming towards the door, he paused only to flip him off before making his way through and slamming it with all his might.

Goddamn, he'd never been so angry. The more he thought of Jade, the sicker he became. He'd been toyed with, used, then thrown away like a dirty tissue. He'd known better but had let Jade whisper poison sweet words to him, enticing him, and he'd just melted into his arms, his little trap. He had never been so ashamed of himself—and he'd never felt so much contempt for another human being. Stupid piece of shit. What the fuck had he been thinking? Of course he would've been wrong about him. Fucking celebrities. They were all the same. They all thought they were hot shit and could get away with anything and everything. Maybe most people would've let Jade wipe his ass with them and throw them away while still kissing his very feet, but Davey sure as hell wasn't that pathetic.

Suddenly, he felt weak and dirty. He couldn't wait to get home and shower, to just wash away all the sweat and traces of Jade that had accumulated on his skin, but the worst part was knowing he couldn't wash Jade away from _under_ his skin. The toxin still beat hotly in his veins, making him dizzy and ill. He shook his head, feeling angry, ill, dazed.

Turning the corner, he almost walked right into a bleary-eyed Smith. He muttered an apology and tried to slip past him unnoticed, but Smith caught his arm.

“What are you still doing around?” Smith asked, stifling a yawn. He looked as though he'd been woken up. That was little surprise; everyone on the floor had probably been woken up by Davey's fit.

Davey shrugged him off, shaking his head. “I don't want to—I mean...Your brother is—” He just couldn't think straight. Nothing coherent would come out of his mouth.

Smith's eyes widened in realization. “Please tell me he didn't fuck with you too.”

Darkly, Davey replied, “He did, but it’s my fault for letting him.” Groaning, he ran a hand through his sweat-drenched hair. “Look, this doesn't change anything between us, but I don't want to talk to him again.”

Appalled and unable to speak, Smith nodded weakly. He looked like he was trying to come up with something, anything, to say to make it better, but his best efforts fell flat. “I'm sorry. Really am. He's not— He wasn't always... I'm so sorry.”

“Like I said, it was my fault. Look, I got to go. I'll see you later.” Having said that, he jerked away and hurried down the hall.

He wanted to—no, _needed_ to—get out of there. He wouldn't even wait for the elevator. Instead, he took the stairs, ignoring the shocks of pain as he bounded down them two at a time until he'd made it out to the parking lot. The biting cold took his breath away as soon as he was outside, holding him tightly and refusing to let go. It wouldn't have been so bad had he not felt so cold inside too. Pushing down the bile that rose, pushing back the rocky-hot sensation of a stomachache, he jammed his hands in his pockets and practically ran down the street, head lowered. He would get to his car, go home, and everything would be okay.

But it wasn't okay. Even now, he could feel his eyes stinging slightly, betraying him. Angrily, he sucked in a long breath to try to quell the emotion. Well, fuck, he had no reason to act like a child over it. He had known what the consequences could be, had known this was a one night stand. And it wasn't being thrown away so much as who had thrown him away and how long he'd adored him. He hadn’t expected it to hurt so much.

Stunned numb with disbelief, he shook his head for what felt like the hundredth time. He was so stupid. At the moment, he almost hated himself as much as he hated Jade.

Fumbling with his keys, he shakily unlocked the door. He climbed in his car and sat there for a long moment, gripping the wheel and trembling. At this point, he was so disappointed in himself he didn't know what to do. And even though he knew his friends would be disappointed in him too, he really needed them right now. No, he really needed Adam right now.

Swallowing back the lump in his throat, he made up his mind. He'd go home, shower and change, then go see Adam. It didn't matter how early or late it was; he just didn't care. With that thought strengthening him, he started the car and began the drive back home.


	8. Chapter 7: Piece by Piece

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Chapter Notes: I almost didn't update this (meaning, ever). It's really quite a draining story, and going through it and editing it is a daunting task. To give you an idea, I had to go through this chapter and cut out 1,500 words. Then I realized it sounded a bit filler-y. But I like it anyway and have tried to clean it out and cut a bunch of unnecessary stuff, though it's all I can do to quit fucking with it since I see a billion things I wish I'd done/written differently. I'm just sick of trying to fix all the weaker spots. Oh, how things change in a year...
> 
> Disclaimer: These are mere characters based on the members of AFI (not the real members, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

Davey turned the radio up a little louder to drown out the thoughts rushing through his mind, as well as to help keep him awake. He was almost home, which he was grateful for. Ever since he'd left, he'd gone through such an exhausting cycle of emotions. Resentment, self-pity, disgust, disappointment. And the worst part was that he kept going through these feelings over and over again, sometimes overlapping. However, at the moment, he was too tired to feel anything but hurt. He was trying not to be so upset over it but this was just crushing. No disappointment—save for the break-up of his band—had been _this_ bad. As if his life hadn't been dissatisfying enough. Now he'd lost one of the things that had given him joy, and it was his own fault. Despite everything he told himself, he felt as though he wouldn't be able to listen to Loose Change for a long, _long_ time. Hell, he might never look at them the same again.

A tiny whimper quivered in his throat and surprised him. Damn, just _thinking_ about it was getting him upset all over again. He felt so weary, felt the need to just crawl off somewhere and collapse, to lick his wounds and hide for awhile. He wouldn't let Jade destroy him though, not when he'd given him the opportunity to do so on a silver platter. Despite having adored him for so long, he _would_ get over this and get over it quickly. After all, he had never known him personally before tonight. There was no reason to be so torn up over it long-term; he was stronger than that. The very thought that Jade wanted him to be as fucked up as he was, destroyed and aching and a sniveling mess, just made the anger flare up inside him again. _Fuck no._ He gritted his teeth and gripped the wheel as tightly as he could. Regardless of whether he did have a breakdown in the morning or not, he was just immensely pleased that he had _not_ broken in front of him and given him the pleasure of knowing he'd hurt him. The _fuck_ if anyone would knock him down like that.

He pulled himself from his thoughts as he turned onto his street. As soon as he saw his small house come into view, he felt an overwhelming sense of relief. What he wouldn't do for a hot shower about now. He almost couldn't wait for the car to be properly turned off and parked before he flung the door open. Hurrying up the front walk, he rummaged through his bag for his keys, then let himself in, slamming and locking the door behind him. Before he'd even gotten to the back, he started tearing his clothes off, flinging them wherever they pleased to land. Grabbing some clean clothes and a towel, he headed for the bathroom.

As he let the water heat up, he brushed his teeth, and he turned and caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror. He was a wreck. His hair looked greasy, mussed, and tangled. His makeup was running down his face from so much sweat—and he wasn't going to shit himself, probably some stray angry tears too. His lips were swollen, split, bloody. There were scratch and bite marks covering his face and body, as well as a few bruises. Overall, he looked grimy and sweaty and disgusting. Looking back into his own eyes, beyond the running eyeliner and clumping mascara and smudged eye shadow, he saw a broken, black gaze. As he stared at the man before him, himself, he felt tears moisten his eyes. Quickly, he squeezed them shut and spit into the sink, rinsing his mouth out then turning away.

_It would be okay,_ he kept telling himself, turning the shower head on and slipping his jewelry off onto the counter. _It **would** be okay._ It wasn't the end of the world. He was still alive. He still had his job, his friends, his own life. If he just kept his head up and kept telling himself that, it really would be just fine.

Shuddering as the hot spray hit his overly sensitive skin, he turned with his back to the shower head and started to scrub, harder than necessary. He _had_ to wash that filthy deed and that wretched man off every inch of his flesh. Angry, he rubbed the skin almost raw, turning the dial to make the water hotter. He hissed as it was too hot, but that was just all the better for him. He squirted shampoo in his hair, running fingers through it and scrubbing wildly. Damn, he felt so _filthy._ It was like no matter how much he washed or how much soap there was or how hot the water was, he just couldn't get _clean._

He continued to wash for half an hour, often re-washing areas he deemed particularly unclean. When his skin began to look too red, raw, and abused, and his fingers began to wrinkle, he finally turned the water off. Slowly, he sank to the floor of the tub, trembling and dripping. He hung his head as the water dribbled down his face, hair plastered in his eyes. Taking a deep breath, he tried to calm his shaking, but nothing seemed to help. All he wanted to do was curl up in a ball and nurse that ache.

It was only because he had to that he picked himself up and began to towel off. Then he flung open the medicine cabinet, finding some peroxide and cotton balls. He dabbed at the cuts quickly before grabbing his wadded up clothes, yanking on a pair of jeans and a black, long-sleeved button up shirt. Even though he wanted to crawl into the welcoming comfort of his blankets and sleep for the rest of the day, he also really wanted to see Adam. Despite what he told himself, he needed to be assured of his self-worth, reassured that he hadn't fucked up too badly.

Shuddering a sigh, he bounded to the front of the house and snagged his keys and cell phone, then headed out the door again. He didn't care what sort of mood Adam was in, he didn't care if he wasn't happy to see him, he didn't care that it wasn't even five-thirty in the morning. He just hoped that Adam would hear him out.

The drive there didn't take too long and Davey spent the time chasing thoughts from his head by flipping radio stations. He felt so delirious and bleary-eyed; he was so sleep deprived he might as well have been drunk. After all, he'd been up for over twenty-four hours now. Gazing into the pink-streaked horizon, he mused to himself that the sun would be up soon, that he was going to feel sick come Monday morning thanks to his fucked up sleeping schedule.

He was pulling into Adam's driveway when he felt the final amount of resolve cracking and giving away. _No._ He wasn't going to break down. He just _wasn't,_ not when he had no right to. Swallowing around the strained lump in his throat, he hurried up the front walk and rang the doorbell. Goddamn, Adam wasn't going to be happy about being woken up. Well, it couldn't be helped now. Just so long as he forgave him for it—and answered the door soon. It was cold and he'd forgotten to bring a jacket or dry his hair. His teeth chattered and he hugged himself for warmth, worrying that Adam might not be home.

The rustling sounds from inside put this horrible thought to rest. He had just started shifting from one foot to the other from discomfort when the door finally creaked open. A very tired, scruffy looking Adam leaned in the doorway. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes, confused. “Dave?”

Before he could check himself, a pathetic sound escaped his lips but he couldn't even be embarrassed for it. “Can I please come in?” His voice came out too small, too weak. “I'm really cold.”

Blinking, surprised, Adam nodded and stepped aside to let Davey enter. “Of course. You're always welcome.”

“Thanks.” Davey hurried into the warm interior, sighing softly in relief. He was headed for the living room, but made it no farther than the kitchen table before he just fucking _collapsed_ into the closest chair there and dropped his head in his hands. “Oh, Adam, I'm so sorry. I know it's early.”

Now that he was more alert, Adam took notice of his disheveled and wrecked state. Looking worried, he took the seat closest to Davey and laid a hand on his elbow. “Hey, it's fine. I was worried about you anyway, since you didn't call me or text me yesterday. What's up? Did something happen?”

Davey nodded, speechless. He kept his face buried in his hands as he felt the hot tears finally escaping. His nails dug into his skin, in a futile attempt to stop them. Shivers wracked his body and he just felt so _miserable._ Adam wrapped an arm around around him, hand rubbing his shoulder up and down comfortingly. Sucking in a sharp breath, Davey tried to disguise the sniffle, but it didn't work, instead sounding louder.

“You okay?” Adam sounded alarmed. Davey rarely got this upset. He would get angry, resentful, indignant—and, yes, he would get sad—but he rarely got _this_ torn up over anything, and even if he did, he chose to channel it through anger instead.

“No, I'm not.” It was the first time that Davey had admitted it to himself, aloud even. He shook his head, still covering his face with his hands. “I fucked up really bad.”

Gently, Adam took his hands and removed them from his face. Davey tried to turn away, but Adam caught his eyes before he could, and he just couldn't look away then. Adam didn't say anything for a long time, instead choosing to inspect the marks on Davey's face and neck, every so often running a gentle finger over one. He seemed truly distraught by Davey's state of being—both physically and emotionally.

“What happened? Who did this to you?” Adam asked, gripping Davey's cold, shaking hands.

Davey shifted uncomfortably, eyes reminiscent of a frightened animal. “I met Jade.” It was all he could say because he didn't feel right going into grotesque detail, but he didn't want to leave Adam completely in the dark either. He let his eyes drop, ashamed for more than one reason.

A beat. “You did...” Adam didn't really need to ask more at this point but he did anyway. Probably because he was hoping his assumption was wrong. “And?”

“He seemed really nice,” Davey continued, brow creasing. “We talked for awhile. Then—” Here, he paused, sneaking a glance up at Adam, who nodded for him to continue, clear blue eyes intent and locked on him. He rubbed his thumb against the back of Davey's hand encouragingly. “—he asked me to spend the night with him. I let him talk me into it. Long story short, he fucked me, then threw me out.” He was barely able to keep his voice from trembling by the last sentence.

Adam said nothing. He looked at the marks and bruises again, gripping Davey's hands tighter. Once more embarrassed, Davey hung his head, hunched over and withdrawing into himself as he felt the flood coming at him once more. Slowly, Adam pulled him closer and just held him. So Davey didn't object—he melted against his friend, pressing his cheek against his shirt. No, he didn't cry. But he was damn near it.

“I'm just so...disappointed,” he finally choked out. “So fucking...disappointed in him and myself for being so stupid. I let myself be reduced to that.”

Nodding, Adam rubbed his back in gentle circles while he waited for Davey to continue letting it out—but he didn't. So Adam finally spoke again. “It was a mistake but you're not the first person to make it. It's over now, so don't get so down on yourself. You're better than that.”

“I know,” Davey sighed, squeezing his eyes shut and tightening his grasp around Adam. “I know you're disappointed too. But I appreciate your kindness.”

By this point, Davey really didn't feel like talking anymore because he was just too worn out to recount anything or think straight. The events from the day before were swirling and melting together in his mind—a confusing mass of recollections and emotions—but he couldn't make sense of them or form them into a coherent, chronological story. There was a great sense of relief at just having gotten the main idea off his chest and being in the presence of someone who loved him. It was just nice to know that Adam was there for him and would wait until Davey was ready to tell the whole story.

“You want something to eat or drink?” Adam asked suddenly, breaking the silence.

Davey shook his head and pulled back to stare up at him. “No, thanks. What I'd like is to get some sleep.” He forced a wan smile.

“That's fine. We'll have to dry your hair first though.” Adam stood and headed for the stairs, beckoning for Davey to follow him.

Sinking down on Adam's bed, Davey watched him through the bathroom doorway, as he rummaged through his cabinets for the hairdryer. He offered an encouraging smile as he came back over to Davey, leaning over just long enough to plug the cord into the wall. Davey murmured his gratitude as he took the hairdryer, and Adam crawled onto the bed behind him, crossing his legs in front of him.

They said nothing the entire time Davey dried his hair. The warm heat felt so lovely against his cool skin and soaked hair. Adam watched him thoughtfully from where he sat in the middle of the bed, chin propped in his hand. And that in itself made it feel like old times, like things were back to normal even though they weren't. Feeling exhaustion getting the better of him, Davey finished up as quickly as he could and placed the drier aside, reclining on the bed. He tilted his head back to look up at Adam, who returned the gaze.

“Do you mind if I sleep with you?” He knew he sounded pathetic but he didn't care.

“No.” Adam slipped back into the blankets, holding the edge up invitingly.

Without another word, Davey crawled under the blankets and let his body fall heavily to the mattress next to Adam, wriggling to move closer to the warmth of his body. He settled in, cuddled against him, and felt content, snug, and weak with fatigue. Burying his face in Davey's shoulder blade, Adam draped an arm around him to draw him nearer, hand falling on his stomach. Now that he was relaxed, it took no time at all for Davey's heavy eyelids to droop shut and the sweet refuge of sleep to drag him under, to a place where there were no worries or problems or heartache. For a few hours, all would be right with the world.

\--

It was around ten-thirty when Davey woke up. Shifting, he slung an arm over his tired, aching eyes and slowly rolled onto his side, other arm groping blindly for Adam. When he felt nothing but an empty space next to him, he cracked his eyes halfway open to find that he'd already gotten up and left him alone in bed. Groaning lightly, he sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes though it did little to help bring the room into focus. Every muscle in his body protested and every bone creaked as he arose, letting his feet fall with a dull thud to the carpeted floor. For a few moments he just sat there, pinching the bridge of his nose between a finger and a thumb and massaging it as though it would help wake him up and chase away the beginnings of a headache. He would've liked to have collapsed back to the mattress, but he was too thirsty and hungry.

It took a few moments of sitting up on the edge and blinking the sleep away, but he finally worked up the energy to lift himself and stagger towards the bathroom. He still felt dizzy and dazed from all the events of last night. To think, about twenty-four hours ago things had still been completely normal. Funny how things could change so fast.

Once he'd finished taking a piss and had started to wash his hands, he caught a glance of his reflection in the mirror, to check the damage. It wasn't as bad as it had been earlier but he still had makeup smudged everywhere. Frowning, he tucked his hair behind his ear and lathered his hands again, this time bringing them up to his face. It stung and he still looked like shit, but at least it was a little better now. Before he left the bathroom to go downstairs, he wiped his face on the hand towel, mopping up the last remnants of his make-up.

When Adam heard Davey entering the room, he glanced up over his newspaper from his spot at the table and offered a small smile. “Morning. Feeling any better?”

“A little,” Davey replied, his voice cracking. He cleared his throat and rummaged through the cabinets, looking for something to eat. “I'm really exhausted though. I don't know; I might go home.”

“Nah, you don't have to go home. You can stay as long as you'd like,” Adam offered. “Get some more sleep after you eat, okay? You still look dead.”

Too tired to argue, Davey nodded. He finally selected a box of cereal from the cabinet as well as a bowl and a spoon. Then he flopped into a chair at the kitchen table and picked up a section of the paper to read as he ate. A few uneventful, quiet moments passed. Eventually, Adam cleared his throat and dropped his hand on Davey's.

“Um, want to stay over for a couple of days?”

Davey looked up at him and blinked. This was unexpected, but he wasn't about to turn the offer down, given that he felt like shit and was still pretty down on himself. So, he nodded his assent, grinning wearily. “Yeah, thanks. I'll have to pick some stuff up from my house, though.”

“That's fine. We can stay in today and go by your house tomorrow. If you're up to it, we can go catch a movie or something. You know, get out and get your mind off your troubles.” Adam stared down at the table as though he was uncertain of what he was saying. Maybe he was afraid to bring the subject up because he thought he'd make it worse.

Davey nodded again. “Sounds good.” He shoveled a spoonful of cereal into his mouth and chewed as he thought about his 'troubles.' His stomach churned but he ignored it and kept eating as though everything was all right, just for Adam's sake. He could only force down a few more swallows before he decided he'd had enough. Letting his spoon clatter to the bowl, he stretched, glancing at the clock. “I'm just going to go back to bed for awhile. Wake me up before three, though. I don't want to sleep all day.”

“Will do.” Adam smiled, blue eyes dancing as he watched Davey cross the kitchen to place his dirty dishes in the sink.

Before he went upstairs again, Davey snagged a carton of orange juice to pour himself a glass. Right now, he needed to focus on resting up and repairing his physical state. He knew there would be lots of time to be depressed later. Feeling only a bit better, he took a long drink of juice, putting the glass back down on the counter top and heading off to the bedroom.

He tried not to think of Jade or feel used as he crawled back into Adam's bed, snuggling deep within the covers. Closing his eyes, he rested his head on Adam's pillow, breathing in the scent deeply, the scent he'd become so accustomed to over the years. It was nice, he decided. It would be nicer if Adam would come up and sit or lie with him. Maybe he would later, he thought as he yawned. He really was lucky in the long run, and he felt like he'd found what mattered most in life, though sometimes it was hard to convince himself not to want more. Still, Jade could fall off the face of the earth for all he cared. He had what he needed—and that was his friends.


	9. Chapter 8: December's End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Chapter Notes: I wrote this chapter when I really wanted some Advey. I apologize if it seems overly fluffy or cheesy, but that's just the way I like romance-y scenes and, dernit, it's staying. :P Ahh, but this is the end of part I, and next chapter is where things start to really pick up again, so I hope you'll stick with me through the calm of the storm. ;)
> 
> P.S. The worst part in updating is coming up with titles for these chapters. I was never good at choosing names for things.
> 
> Disclaimer: These are mere characters based on the members of AFI (not the real members, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

Davey stared out the window at the sleet pouring down and blew his hair out of his face in a breathy sigh. He pulled his knees up to his chest and hugged them tightly as though it would somehow warm him. It may have been a good two weeks since the incident but he hadn't been able to fully get it out of his head. It kept replaying itself over and over, making it impossible to forget.

For the first couple of days, he hadn't allowed himself to think about it, much less feel it. Work had kept him busy too; they'd been rushing to put things together, and he hadn't had much time for himself. And then, just when he'd thought that things might have a chance of going back to normal, it had hit him, hit him harder than he had ever imagined it would. So he'd locked himself in his house for the day to try to recover from the stress and the exhaustion. Instead of repressing it, he had decided to let it out in its entirety so he might get over it quicker. No sense in letting it rot away and chip at his insides like it had been doing. And although his friends were worried about him, he couldn't let them know that he was still this upset over something so petty. It was embarrassing and he felt as though the incident hadn't been bad enough to warrant this reaction. So what if he'd felt almost like he was 'in love?' He _hadn't_ been and he'd known it all along.

Groaning, he rested his forehead against his knees. The sharp headache that had been plaguing him for what felt like a week only added to his discomfort. It was that sick feeling that was making him want to be completely alone for once. He didn't want anyone to bother him.

The icy beads of precipitation stung the windowpanes from the added intensity of howling winds. It was making him feel too chilled to stay there, idly mulling over coldness while feeling coldness. Slowly, he slipped from his seat and padded over to his computer to work more on the song he'd been writing. The only good thing about what had happened was the inspiration it provided, allowing eloquent words to flow from his fingertips once again. He'd fallen into a slump as far as that had been concerned but now he was back to updating his writing blog with countless poems and songs, sometimes several times a day. And right now he needed the catharsis.

He stared at the currently open word document before him, eyes scanning over phrases and fragments of thought, trying to pick out the weakest of them for disposal. Finally deciding that it didn't matter what anyone thought or what they knew of him, he allowed his fingers to fall with a clatter and a flurry of motion to the keyboard. Lines appeared on the screen almost automatically; it always seemed to write itself at moments like this, moments where he had little or no control over his own mind. But he let it—usually his strongest pieces came to him in this manner.

It only felt like moments later when he hit the 'save' button and reclined in his chair to gaze upon his latest work. A small, wry grin made itself known to him at the satisfaction of the accomplishment. It wasn't half bad. A quick read-over and he'd go ahead and save it to his journal.

Glancing at the clock, he was surprised to find that half the afternoon had been spent already. It had quieted down outside, he noted, and a deeper gray had cloaked the sky's dull glow into something darker, quieter, more sinister. He shut the lid of his laptop and wandered around the living room for several moments, pacing while he thought, hands clasped behind his back for need of something to do with them. He _was_ feeling better but some sadness remained. Nothing a little walking around wouldn't cure.

He had hardly been out of his chair but five minutes when his phone rang. Jumping, he wandered over to it and checked the caller I.D. It wasn't a number he recognized. Frowning, he picked up, licking his lips as he answered. “Hello?”

“Hey!” A vaguely familiar voice called from the other end. “It's Smith. Hope I'm not bothering you.”

Davey was more than surprised to hear from him so soon. He hadn't expected to hear from him for another couple of weeks—or months, even. “Hey... You called sooner than I thought you would.” He laughed weakly, pushing some hair out of his face as he seated himself in his favorite armchair.

“Yeah, well...” Smith sighed a little in aggravation, though his tone remained friendly. “Loose Change had the cancel the rest of the tour. We were almost done anyway but...some _complications_ arose, so I got home sooner than expected.”

Davey was silent for a long moment as this information sank in. He nodded, then remembered Smith couldn't see him. “I see.” He paused. Not knowing what else to say, he murmured, “Well, that sucks.”

“Ha, tell me about it. People aren't too happy but it had to be done. Um, I hate to bring this up especially since, you know, but...” Smith paused, sighing again. “We had to quit after that little incident. Jade's kind of gone crazy, so the band's on hiatus until he gets himself under control. He's in, um, therapy right now. I don't know how it happened...it shouldn't have happened but...I'm sorry it did.”

Smith was talking so fast that Davey hardly had time to get a word in edgewise. It wasn't his place to apologize on Jade's behalf but Davey understood why he was so nervous and upset about it. After all, he was in charge of managing the band and Jade had really fucked things up for them. Davey had already heard of several other accounts of similar behavior from him and was even more disappointed. But it was to be expected, he supposed.

Smith continued babbling, only allowing Davey to hum occasionally to show he was still listening. “Yeah, I know it's no excuse but he's just been through a really rough time, you know? This girl he'd been dating for five years—yeah, they broke it off. She was real shitty to him. He wasn't really stable anyway. Like I said, it's no excuse for what he's done and he really isn't like this, but—”

“It's okay,” Davey finally interjected, having heard enough.“Look, I understand. We both made mistakes but we've learned our respective lessons so I'd like to let it go already.” He spoke as calmly and politely as he could given the topic. Hearing about it only re-opened the healing wound and caused his blood to boil.

“Oh, uh, okay.” Smith forced an uncomfortable laugh. “Wow, I don't know how to be appropriate... Um, anyway...” He paused for a long moment, trying to find something else to talk about. Davey stared at the wall, listening to the buzz of static as he waited. “Um, so...I got the CD you sent me.”

It was pathetic at the best, but it was _much_ better than the tactless, one-sided conversation he'd started with. Davey shifted as his stupefied mind tried to formulate a reply. “Oh...yeah?” It came across as uninterested, annoyed. He mentally kicked himself. Quickly, he tacked on, “What'd you think?”

He could hear the smile radiating from Smith. “Man, it was _great._ It was like visiting the past all over again. I hope you don't mind that I shared it with some friends.”

Davey blinked and leaned forward, pressing the phone closer to his ear. “Of course I don't mind. I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it.” He felt his face relax into a genuine smile as a spark of excitement rose within him, a spark of hope.

“Yeah, we loved it. A couple of my friends wanted to know where they could buy a copy. Would you maybe sell them some?” Smith asked.

This was an unexpected surprise. But Davey was ecstatic to hear that someone was that interested in his music, no matter how old it was. “I'll be happy to make some more copies.”

“We're not violating anything, like—” Smith began.

“No,” Davey cut him off. “It wasn't under any outside label. That's something Geoff came up with. I can send you a few more copies; you'll just have to tell me how many you want.”

“I'll get back to you on that,” Smith told him. “I have to find out who wants it for sure. How much you want for 'em?”

Davey laughed a little, stretching over the edge of his seat and staring up at the ceiling. “Is five dollars reasonable for the EP? Shipping's included.”

“That works,” Smith agreed. “But you don't need to ship it. You can give it to me in person next time I'm in Oakland. I'll come see you within the month, if that's cool.”

“Okay. Just give me a call a day or so in advance and tell me where to meet you. I have work during the day so you might have to drop by my office or something.” Davey suppressed the sigh that he felt rising in his chest.

“Cool. I'll get back to you once I know when I'm going to be in town. Anyway, I've got to go... Family obligations.” Smith groaned softly. “I'll catch you later.”

“All right. Nice hearing from you,” Davey said warmly. “Talk to you soon.”

They both murmured a goodbye simultaneously, then hung up. Davey let the phone drop to the coffee table, slouching in his seat. He was tingling with excitement at the thought that people wanted to _buy_ his decade-old EP. Whereas an hour earlier he'd been wallowing in self-pity, now he felt warm and self-satisfied. Even the weather outside didn't seem so cold and harrowing anymore; on the contrary, it seemed snug and comfortable to be inside his lovely home while winter poured forth the entirety of her rage outside. In a much better mood, he opened his laptop again to check if he had any emails. After a few moments checking the sites he frequented, he decided, he'd go make himself a nice, hot cup of tea and curl up on the couch to watch a favorite movie. Maybe he'd call Adam. Today didn't seem quite so bad, after all.

\--

The weekend was quiet and left him well-rested, but by Wednesday evening, Davey was feeling worn out and haggard all over again. Work had been rougher than usual, his boss snippy with him and even threatening to fire him at one point or another, and his emotions had been going haywire. Some moments, he felt just fine, only focusing on his friends and his writing—the small things he was appreciative for. Other moments, when he thought everything was okay again, he'd find a reminder of Jade lingering in the dusty corners of his life. It could be anything as simple as mistaking that he heard his name or catching a song on the radio, or as blatantly obvious as seeing the magazines that featured him on the cover. Davey had tried to hide them away, box up everything that had to do with his admiration and shove it in the very back of his closet, but those things had a way of sneaking out and finding their way back into his life. It was difficult to forget him.

Still, he felt he had been doing better. He'd made progress and he didn't feel so worthless or angry with himself anymore. Brittany and Adam had really helped too; they frequently checked up on him and got his mind off it. He couldn't have asked for better friends.

This particular evening, he had clocked in some overtime at his desk, trying to catch up on the mounds of editorial work that needed finishing by Friday. His short spat with depression had set him back a bit, which wasn't good, seeing how the next issue was due for release at the end of next week. He was running on nothing but breakfast and five hours of sleep. Sleep was a luxury he couldn't afford now that he had to spend late nights hunched over his computer editing, re-writing, or channeling his own frustrations.

So it was no surprise that he wasn't in the best of moods and didn't feel like doing anything but resting. In all honesty, he didn't even feel like eating dinner. It was too much of a bother to make. He just couldn't wait to get to bed.

It didn't look like his plan for the evening would work out, however, for as soon as he turned onto his street he found Adam's car in his driveway. Surprised, he parked on the street and made his way slowly up the front walk, wondering why Adam was there and what he wanted. The door was unlocked, meaning Adam had used the spare key to get in, which only puzzled him further. What was he up to?

He didn't have to ask himself again the second he stepped into his house. The delicious scent of cooked vegetables and savory soup met him and pulled him in. Even though he'd been tired, cranky, and down before, the gesture was enough to elicit a tiny, soft smile. Adam didn't like to cook for himself, much less others, so it came as a welcome surprise to find him sitting in the middle of the darkened living room, crimson cloth draped out over the floor and various dishes of food laid out over it. A few tea-light candles in circular, glass holders were strewn over the cloth, providing just enough wan, gentle light to see. Adam had taken out the good silverware—with the fancier embellishment—and the nicer set of gold-rimmed, cream colored plates to use for the meal. The cloth napkins were folded diagonally and tucked neatly next to the plates, crystal glasses set on the opposite side. Davey took the sight in, letting his messenger bag drop to the floor. His smile increased when his eyes met Adam's.

“Wow,” he breathed. “You didn't have to go to all this work, honestly.” He gazed at his friend sincerely, grateful. “You don't even know how tired I am right now and how much I appreciate this.”

“It's no big deal. I just thought you should take the night off.” Adam gestured for him to sit facing him. “I hope it's not too bad.” He chuckled lightly. Davey happily obliged after kicking his shoes off and undoing his tie. He sat cross-legged opposite Adam as he began to dish out the food. “I made some veggie soup and salad for appetizer, and for the main course, we have some vegan lasagna. It took me a couple of tries to get it right.”

“It smells good,” Davey told him, eagerly reaching out for the plate Adam offered him.

“Yeah, let's just hope it tastes at least half so good,” Adam laughed. He reached over and grabbed a carton that sat next to him. “I know it's kind of cheesy, but this wouldn't be the same without wine. Since you don't drink, I got grape juice.” He shrugged. “It sort of looks the same.”

Davey couldn't help the tiny burst of laughter that escaped his lips as Adam poured them each a glass. Although it was cheesy, and even a bit juvenile, he couldn't help but find it kind of cute. “You know, I'm glad you thought of that,” Davey told him, smiling. “ _That_ really made my night.”

Adam gave a slight bow. “Glad to be of service,” he teased. Then, in a more serious tone, he added, “I just hate to see you so down. I'd do anything to make you feel better.” Adam's features softened as he watched Davey; he meant every word he said, no doubt. In fact, Davey believed Adam felt more terrible about his mood than he was letting on.

“Thanks,” Davey told him again, taking a small bite of his food. “It's rare to have a friend like you, and just knowing you care so much is enough.” He paused, chewing his food. “Mm, you know, this is really really good.”

Even in the dim light, Davey was sure he caught Adam flushing at the compliment. They both lapsed into a comfortable silence, each to his own thoughts as they ate. Although they didn't speak with words, their expressions and glances spoke volumes for them and Davey was beginning to realize that Adam felt much deeper for him than he'd let on. Of course it was incredibly flattering to know that Adam liked him so much—and he couldn't exactly say it was completely one-sided, at this point. He'd given it a lot of thought and had come to the conclusion that he did like him enough to return some of the affection, provided that it didn't go too far or get too serious—and as long as Adam understood that it was only to be kept on the surface for now. By no means did he want to toy with him or lead him on, and although he'd been worried about how it would play out before, he was confident now that it wouldn't get out of control. He'd be stupid to let this opportunity go; the least he could do was see where it went.

Finishing the last of his food, Davey set his plate down and smiled at Adam, full and satisfied. “That was delicious,” he said, leaning back on his elbows. “I could have you cook for me more often.”

“Don't get used to it,” Adam laughed, pushing his plate aside as well so he could lean forward. “It's not my thing.”

Davey shrugged. “Maybe you don't like it but you're good at it. Shame...” He stared off into space, half-focused on the burning wick of a candle just out of his reach. He felt pleasantly fatigued now.

Getting up, Adam gathered their dirty dishes and disappeared into the kitchen. Davey closed his eyes and listened to the sound of water running in the sink and the clatter of plates on top of each other. He sighed and opened his heavy eyelids halfway just in time to see Adam re-entering the room. Without giving it much thought, he reached up and snagged his wrist, pulling him down to sit next to him on the blanket. Feeling impulsive—and perhaps a little daring—he leaned forward and gave Adam a light, gracious kiss on the lips. Adam gasped softly; he probably hadn't been expecting this sort of sentiment to be expressed, though it certainly wasn't the first time they'd kissed, nor would it be the last. Still, he wasn't one to complain, even though he wasn't always receptive to Davey's random shows of affection. But this time he was and he even returned it, much to Davey's delight.

Davey allowed his eyelids to relax and fall shut as he enjoyed the warm sensation of Adam's gentle lips massaging his own. Adam's hand fell on the back of his head, cradling it, fingers entwining in the dark strands, as he pressed closer. And Davey reached up to let his hands lightly cup Adam's face, fingers gingerly brushing against his cheekbones. This sort of kiss was the kind he loved the most. There were no ulterior motives or expectations behind it.

Adam's hands moved carefully over his head, neck, and back. He let his hands rest lightly on Davey's shoulder-blades before he gradually pulled away so they could look at each other, a genuine smile adorning his face. Sighing contentedly, Davey rested his cheek against Adam's shoulder and wrapped his arms around his waist, holding him loosely. He felt like he'd like to remain in this comfortable, cozy state forever. The embrace was returned for only several moments, though, before Adam glanced at the clock and gently pushed him away.

“I have to go now,” he murmured, standing and retrieving his jacket from the couch. “Sorry. I got a lot to do.”

“That's okay.” Davey scrambled to get to his feet and show him to the door. “Thanks again for everything. I truly enjoyed the company.”

Adam blushed and gazed down at the floor, seemingly at a loss for words. He pulled his jacket on slowly, before raising his eyes and speaking again. “It was nice. Maybe we should picnic indoors more often.”

“I certainly wouldn't mind,” Davey agreed. He paused, unsure of what to do now. “So... I'll see you later?”

Nodding, Adam replied in a near-whisper. “Yeah, I'll text you tomorrow or something. Good night.” He leaned forward and pecked Davey on the cheek quickly, then, as though embarrassed and wondering if he shouldn't have done that, practically spun around and hurried for the door.

Davey laughed softly. “Good night,” he called amiably as Adam slipped through the door into the welcoming cold of the night air. The door then shut with a pleasant click, leaving Davey to himself and his thoughts.

A long, relaxed breath passed his lips and he dropped down to his sofa, sinking into the cushions as a weary heap of flesh and bones. Too sleepy and content to move from the spot, he decided that it wouldn't hurt to allow himself to fall asleep where he was sitting. And as he sat there, staring at the wall, he thought about Adam, and a stupid grin came to his face. Maybe he liked Adam more than he let on, even to himself.


	10. Chapter 9: Starting Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Chapter Notes: Well, it's been a while, hasn't it? I apologize for the long delay in updates. I have been preoccupied with working and role playing. And, honestly, I was self conscious. But I got over it and don't care anymore. So, here we are. I hope you will enjoy the chapter, though it is quite old.
> 
> Disclaimer: These are mere characters based on the members of AFI (not the real members, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

Davey sighed and shifted comfortably closer to Adam as they lay side by side in the soft, damp grass, half under the shade of a tree. They had taken advantage of the lovely spring day and had a picnic outside, after which they had lain to stare up at the leaves that gently danced in the breathy breeze and the numerous cumulus clouds that drifted by. All felt right with the world at moments like these—moments where Davey was with his best friend, snuggled close.

Things had gotten better since the incident with Jade nearly five months ago. It had taken about that long for him to get his life as a whole back in order, but he had been stronger in the end. Now he was kind of glad that it had happened since it had led him to see things for what they were instead of what he _thought_ they were. His own job had gotten more tolerable as he found more ways to enjoy it—and since he'd switched positions at his office. Now he mostly got to conduct interviews with designers and models alike, writing his own articles that actually got published. And that was a hell of a lot more fun than sitting behind a computer all day proof-reading someone else's work. For the first time since he'd lost his band, he felt successful.

Adam's shoulder shifted beneath his head and Davey lifted his eyes to peer up at him. A warm smile spread across his face, an outward expression of the endearment he felt for him. Even though they had finally agreed that it was best to stay friends, what they had was enough for him. In all honesty, neither was ready to take that step and they didn't want to put their friendship at jeopardy. It was fine by him. He could enjoy their dates and cuddling—as well as the occasional kiss—without the fear of getting cheated, dumped, hurt, abandoned.

He stirred from his thoughts when he felt Adam's arm sliding up beneath him, curving around him so his hand could rest on his shoulder. As Adam turned his head to bury his mouth in Davey's hair, he gave him a tight squeeze and drew him closer. A smile spread across Davey's lips, and he shivered as he felt Adam's mouth press a tender kiss to his temple. Adam had come a long way as far as showing affection was concerned.

“What you thinking about?” Adam asked suddenly, mouth still buried in his hair and eyes safeguarded behind closed lids. “You're being too quiet.”

Davey laughed softly, propping himself up halfway on one elbow and looking down at Adam. Much to Adam's discontent, he playfully ran his hands through his hair. Adam swatted at his hands, mild annoyance etched across his features. “Everything,” he responded simply, leaning in so close his warm breath teased Adam's face with gentle touches and caresses.

“What kind of answer is that?” Adam asked, cracking one eye open and squinting to look at him. His mouth cocked crookedly.

Resting his chin on Adam's shoulder, he stared up into his scrutinizing gaze, mirth dancing in his dark eyes and a quirky smile pasted on thin lips. “But it's true. I'm thinking about how everything is going so well... How lucky I am.” He paused longer here, chewing on his lip piercing. Lifting a finger, he brought his touch to Adam's nose and moved it down to his chin as he purred teasingly, “About us.” His eyes flitted to the side, coy expression dominating his features as he licked his lips flirtatiously.

“You little minx!” Adam laughed, pushing Davey's hands away as they spread over his chest. “You do that shit on purpose, I swear.”

“Oh, and I excel at it.” Davey smirked, tossing his head so his hair flipped back. “Care to play a game, Adam?”

“No, thank you, not if you're involved.” Adam sat up, releasing Davey and letting him fall lightly back to the ground with a snicker. He turned to point an accusing finger at him as he did his best to deadpan, but his eyes were twinkling in amusement. “You need to stop before you get in trouble. It's just like you.”

Davey swatted at his finger, smirk melting into something gentler and more sincere. “Come on. You know I don't really mean it.”

“Yeah, but you should be careful. Sometimes you really make me wonder.” He shook his head, trying to disguise the shudder.

“Did I freak you out?” Davey asked, smiling sweetly.

“Maybe a little,” Adam sighed, shaking his head yet again.

Hugging him tightly around the waist, Davey pressed his head against his shoulder. “I don't want to make you uncomfortable.”

“It's not like that,” Adam said, rubbing his neck and staring at the ground awkwardly.

Feeling a little remorseful, Davey offered an apologetic smile and touched a tender hand to his face, then leaned up to press a small kiss at the corner of his mouth, the metal of his lip ring trapped between the softer flesh of their lips. Adam relaxed and moved his head enough to capture a fuller kiss, allowing his hands to run over Davey's face and hair. The feather-like touches made Davey shiver to his very core.

This particular kiss lasted longer than their previous ones had; they took their time lingering in the shared warmth and contact, bodies seemingly frozen where they were. Adam would barely just pull away only to allow their lips to brush again and again, soft breath and musky scent returning each time. This was the sort of contact that Davey craved and loved—a sort of innocent yet sensual intimacy that he felt he had to share with someone.

Gradually, Adam pulled away until he was reclining back on his elbows, staring at Davey with half-closed eyes. Davey returned the gaze, slender fingers touched to his own lips as though it would somehow hold in the scent, the taste, the eloquence of the moment. His eyes fluttered shut as the ecstasy took hold and he only heard the soft shuffling of his companion moving to stand up.

“I've stayed way too long. I should go...” He heard Adam's voice come in a wisp, breathless. He was even more appealing when he was like that. Davey liked to imagine he was the only one who had that intoxicating effect on him—it was electrifying, deifying, in a sense. Somehow, the breathy, winded, awestruck quality made him seem stronger and more secure than he already was. It suited him in some strange way.

Davey tilted his head back, eyes still closed as he leaned more of his weight on his own elbows. He nodded vaguely, replying, “I wish you could stay.”

“Me too. But I'll probably see you tomorrow.” Adam fumbled with his words.

Davey opened his eyes to look up at him. A smile flickered across his features and he reached out his arms. Adam obliged and leaned down to embrace him tightly; Davey pressed him close to his heart and lit a kiss on his temple. “Okay. I'll see you then,” he whispered in his ear. He held on tighter with a cheek pressed to Adam's shoulder.

Another graze of their lips. Then, a soft peck on the ear and a phrase that Davey didn't expect to come from his friend. It had been said several times before over the years but was generally something they refrained from; maybe Adam felt as though the moment was important enough to warrant it. Whatever the reason, it thrilled Davey to no end to hear it, even if it was barely audible. “Love ya.”

And he drew back swiftly. Davey let his fingers trail over Adam's arm as he pulled away, reluctant to release him. He gazed up with sincere eyes locked on Adam's as he echoed the words. “Love you, too. See you tomorrow.”

“Bye.” Adam ducked down for one last kiss before straightening up and jamming his hands in his pockets, flashing him a cocked grin before turning away.

Davey watched Adam walk away and get into his car, waving before he drove off down the road. A long, drawn out sigh wracked his body of all energy as he slipped back down to the grass, eyes staring up at the color-streaked sky and watching with intensity as the clouds changed before him. Cool breeze swept over his face and he felt like he was almost drifting on it. Times like this made him appreciate what a beautiful world they lived in.

\--

It was during dinnertime that he received a particularly disruptive phone call. The ringing was grinding and he really didn't want to answer it, so he let the first round of them slide, instead choosing to relish his meal in peace. However, the caller was persistent and on the third round of ringing, he decided he'd had enough and relented.

He knew he should've let it go the moment he picked up.

“Hello?”

There was a long silence which was only punctuated by the soft buzz of static and disturbance, as well as a couple of deep breaths. He frowned and gripped the phone tighter.

“Hello?” A beat. “If this is a prank call, I'm hanging up.”

“No, please don't.” It blurted out in a rush, words slopping and slurred and spilling over each other. The voice wasn't unfamiliar but he couldn't seem to place it.

“Who's this?” he asked, quirking an eyebrow as he leaned against the counter. His eyes flickered over to his plate on the table. No doubt by the time this little charade was over his food would've grown cold.

“I...uh...”

Davey was getting this clenching, sickened feeling in his gut at the sound of that voice. Something so oddly familiar...The back of his mind was shouting warnings at him; he had a vague idea of who this could be and he wasn't liking the possibility one little bit. Why the hell would...?

He wouldn't say anything. He wouldn't answer until he'd received an answer. His caller was met with cold silence when he didn't identify himself.

He heard fumbling and more static, then a heavy sigh. “I guess there's no easy way to go about this. I know you don't want to hear from me...but...”

“But...?” Davey pressed, tongue in cheek. “Who is this?”

A soft curse. “Um...” Another awkward pause. “It's Jade. I'm sorry. Please don't hang up; I know you're about to.”

Indeed, Davey's finger was hovering over the button, ready to cut him off. He gritted his teeth in annoyance. Would he ever leave his life for good? “What do you want?” he snapped, gripping the counter. “I don't want to talk to you. I thought I made it clear that I never wanted to talk to you again.”

“I know.” He heard Jade swallow hard. “I called because I wanted to say I'm sorry, really sorry. I was so wrong and...well...you know...” His voice thinned out, weak.

A short, dry laugh exploded from Davey's lips. This was _unbelievable_. “Really? Now you say you're sorry? Why fucking bother? It's been almost five months.” Goddamn, if Jade thought he was getting any more out of him, he was sorely wrong. What the fuck was he thinking, calling him like that? He was disgusted. "What do you want from me?"

“Nothing!” Jade exclaimed in a rush, sounding surprised, “I wanted to tell you that I was wrong for the way I treated you.” Even if his words were hard to believe, Davey did have to admit that he sounded sorry. Still, words weren't going to cut it.

“And why should I be any different from any of your other fans?” Davey asked drolly, slack-jawed, “Are you tracking them all down and calling them? Because that's kind of creepy, you know.”

Here, Jade's voice fell quiet to the point that Davey almost couldn't hear him. “N-no. It's just...I had access to your contact information. I thought a lot about what happened and what you said—" Suddenly, he cut himself off, switched gears. "You know what? Could we meet for lunch or something and talk about this? I have a lot to say, and it's not the same over the phone.”

Davey stared blankly ahead, floored. It took him several minutes to recover enough to speak again. “You want me to meet you to talk about this?” He wet his lips with his tongue, feeling his body succumb to tremors. He felt so unsteady. “What's there to talk about?” He meant for it to sound scornful, but it sounded a little weak and caught off guard. There was no telling what Jade really wanted from him, why he wanted to talk. It wasn't normal.

“I know it doesn't make sense now, but I have my reasons." Jade paused for a long time; Davey was beginning to wonder if he had anything more to say at all, and was close to just telling him he had to go when he continued. "I'm going to be in Oakland tomorrow to see my brother, so... Can we meet and talk? I promise it won't take long.” Jade sounded pathetic, almost desperate.

“Well...” Davey ran a hand through his hair. A colder, and more sensible, side of him told him to decline, but a sympathetic, and curious, side told him to take him up on it. He did want to know what was going through Jade's head and he did feel like he deserved to be apologized to. But at the same time, he hadn't wanted to see him again or talk to him again; after all, Jade could use this opportunity to hurt him once more. Before he could properly think of it, his mouth made his mind up for him. “Fine.”

Jade breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks. I'll meet you around noon at the vegan cafe downtown. Is that cool?”

“Mmm..” Davey picked at his chipping nail polish, trying to stall for time. He finally gave up and answered. “Yes, but I have work so I can't stay too long.” He could just kick himself right now for giving in.

Before he could take it back though, Jade was closing the conversation. “That works for me.” He paused, and Davey heard mumbling in the background. Then: “Hey, I have to go, so I'll talk to you later. Have a good night.” He didn't wait for Davey to respond; there was a small click and a dial tone, signaling the end of the call.

Davey placed the phone on the counter and let his chin drop, slumping against the lower cabinets. “Aw, fuck.”

This was bad. Just when he thought he'd let it go... But it was only one meeting, he reasoned with himself, and after that he didn't have to have anything to do with him ever again. Even though he'd shoved the incident aside, the anger still resided to some degree and was surfacing again. If they could resolve this, maybe it would be better in the long run because he wouldn't have the memory eating away at him. He'd just have to grin and bear it until he could find a way to get Jade out of his life and forget him for good.

\--

“Thank you.”

The words Jade murmured barely registered in his mind as the waitress set a steaming cup of coffee in front of him and as he turned to stare out the window at what should have been the perfect spring day. He watched with impatient eyes, fingers fumbling with each other in nervous anxiety. People milled about the streets outside, either alone or with companions, as they conducted their daily business. He watched as they stepped around the puddles that resided from the morning's short rain storm, clutching bags, purses, or a lover's arm. A shiver ran through his body and he took a quick sip from the steaming cup to help warm up, but it was only a temporary fix as his eyes returned to the large picture window to stare out into the world once more. Not a single, friendly face met his lonely eyes.

He tapped his fingers on the tabletop, waiting, anticipating. A glance at his watch, and he wondered where the hell Davey was. He should have been here five minutes ago; then again, why would he come? He wouldn't. Jade was foolish for having thought he would show up and grace him with forgiveness. True, it had been a bit long to be seeking forgiveness and his apology was long overdue, but this was the only case that had really been eating away at him for the months he'd spent in his own rehabilitation, repairing himself and working on his attitude. Though he still had a long way to go, he'd made a lot of progress and wanted to at least prove that to himself.

The tinkling sound of the bell over the door brought his attention to the front again. He'd been so caught up in himself that he'd failed to spot Davey on the street and now here he was, scanning the room. His eyes fell on Jade and didn't leave him as he made his way back, jacket slung over his arm. Jade suddenly hung his head, picking at his thumb nervously. He just couldn't look at him anymore.

Davey slipped into the seat opposite him and said nothing as he settled. He didn't seem to know what to say at this point, coming face to face with the man who'd done him such wrong. Horribly embarrassed and ashamed, Jade forced his eyes to meet Davey's darker ones; his expression was unreadable.

Jade cleared his throat, willing himself to choke out a greeting of some sort so they could finally get on with what should have been done many months ago. “Hey, thanks for meeting me on such short notice.”

Davey nodded slowly, awkwardly. “Of course.” He lapsed into silence, eyes darting around.

“Let's order something to eat then talk, okay?”

When he nodded his assent, Jade flagged down the waitress. As he placed his own order, which he'd had in mind for twenty minutes now, he kept a watch on Davey from the corner of his eye, noticing how he peered across the table at him, over a menu. He also noticed Davey's hands trembling slightly, and took pity on him. Quickly—and because he found the gaze too intense, no doubt—Davey tore his eyes from Jade's and faked a smile up at the waitress, placing his own order. The menus were gathered up and whisked away as the waitress hurried to the back, leaving them to their own matters.

Still, horrible, awkward silence remained. Neither seemed sure of how to go about this. Jade stared down at his cup, long forefinger tracing the gentle curves of the handle and eyes strictly fixated on his own movement. Davey stared straight ahead with crossed arms and a deadpan expression. He was not going to be moved into conversation, Jade realized. He had to initiate it and do it quickly before Davey got impatient and left.

“Um...” Jade flinched as Davey's intent, almost black stare fell on him, nearly boring holes through him. He shifted uncomfortably. "I'll just cut to the chase—I'm sorry for being an asshole. I lost some important people to me and thought, you know, if people are going to treat me like shit, well, fuck them, I'm going to treat them like shit too. You don't have to forgive me; just believe me when I say I'm sorry and accept my apology.” Jade took a deep breath as he finished, large brown eyes pleading with Davey.

Davey was quiet for a long moment, gaze unwavering. A lengthy sigh escaped him, and he flicked his gaze up towards the ceiling, lips pressed in a thin, annoyed line. Seconds ticked by before he responded. "Well..." He licked at his lip ring, then stared back across the table. “You don't have an excuse to treat someone like that, even if they treated you poorly. Nothing gets solved. But you already know that, don't you?” A brief pause. Davey put his hands in his lap, smoothing out the wrinkles in his pants. “You hurt me but I learned something from it. Besides, it was also my fault for getting involved when I knew what the outcome could be.” He stopped suddenly, catching a breath and holding it.

“I guess we both fucked up,” Jade muttered, leaning on the table. “You shouldn't feel so bad about what you did—"

“No.” Davey held up a hand, stopping him in mid-sentence and looking indignant. “I've come to terms with what I've done wrong. I fucked up because I let my admiration get in the way of my beliefs. But everyone compromises his beliefs at some point or another; that's just the way humans are." He paused, intertwining his fingers together under the table. "I might not know you like your friends do, but I can tell you this—you have a lot of issues. In this entire time we've been talking, you just feel so goddamn bad. Jade, it's fucking _over_. Let it go already and stop wallowing in self pity. You fucked up bad, you learned your lesson, and now it's time to move on. Seriously.”

Jade nibbled on his lower lip, feeling stupid as he tried to hide behind his fringe. “Yeah. I know. But I still want you to forgive me, I guess.” He sighed a little.

Davey shook his head. “I don't know. I really don't. How do I know you've changed at all and aren't just looking for attention? You can't blame me for being skeptical, can you?”

“No, I can't,” Jade admitted, rubbing his neck and looking sheepish. He was finding it very hard to look Davey in the eyes now. He was picking him apart and laying the pieces before him, telling him how it was, telling him things that he would rather not have dug up to his conscious mind. “I don't blame you because I would be too. You have no reason to forgive me or believe I've changed.”

Daring to peek up at Davey, he saw that he was frowning and giving him a scrutinizing gaze, much to his dismay. He felt his stomach sinking down to his shoes. And then Davey opened his mouth.

“What am I to you? Why the hell would you care so much that you'd go to all this trouble? To contact me and discuss something that happened almost half a year ago?” Seeming disgusted, he shook his head and looked out the window, frown deepening.

Desperate, Jade blurted out the only thing he could think of—and it hardly justified him crawling back to Davey, but it was the truth, at least. “I couldn't get you or what you said out of my mind.” He leaned forward, gaze intense as he attempted to break through to Davey, though he remained stony faced and resistant. So Jade pressed more. “You seem like a nice guy and you and Smith are friends, so I thought...” Frustrated, he took another sip of coffee then brought the cup down with a loud clack on the tabletop.

Davey opened his mouth—to tear him to shreds, no doubt—but had to wait as their food was brought to them. They each gave their quiet thanks to the waitress, then stared back at each other. Suddenly, Davey seemed to have lost track of what he'd been about to say in the heat of the moment. He seemed to be reconsidering.

“Look...” Davey finally spoke, his voice quiet, almost even sincere, “I really don't want to think about this. I'll be able to forgive you in time but I don't think I can right now. I need time to think about what you've said.” He glanced at his watch, then shook his head. “I shouldn't have met you here. I really need to go.” He started to get up, pulling his wallet out to drop some money on the table and leave his food untouched.

Jade reached up and caught his arm. “No, not yet. At least finish lunch.”

He could feel his insides clenching and he knew if he let Davey walk out now, he'd never resolve this and that would be the end of that. If he let this go now, Davey wouldn't think about it and he wouldn't forgive him. What was worse, he'd surely encounter Davey again since he and Smith were friends. That was one reason why this had to be solved. He wouldn't be able to stand seeing him all the time knowing what he'd done and, despite what Davey said, seeing him that much would cause him to feel the resentment and hatred all over again.

Much to Jade's disappointment, Davey shrugged him off and shook his head, determined. “I can't. Just take this and pay for my half of the meal.” He pressed some money into Jade's unwilling hand, not once breaking eye contact. When he spoke again, his tone was dry and somewhat bitter. “I guess I'll be talking to you again since you're so insistent.”

Jade opened his mouth to protest, but Davey was already hurrying towards the door, slipping past people standing in the aisle. He called out for Davey to please wait, to please reconsider, but he acted as though he hadn't heard him. He watched, half-standing, as Davey slipped through the door and headed down the sidewalk in the opposite direction with his head hung low and his hands jammed in his pockets. Making a split-second decision, he lunged from the table, nearly knocking over a startled couple in the process.

The waitress assigned to his table hurried over, alarmed, and tried to stop him from leaving. Despite the chaotic, jumbled mess his mind had become, he managed to say that he'd be back and brushed past her, ignoring her protests and attempts to stop him. She probably thought he was going to leave without paying but he just couldn't care right now. All he cared about was finishing what he had to say.

He hurried out the door and ran down the sidewalk, nearly knocking over several people as he pushed past them, trying desperately to catch up with Davey. Breathlessly, he called out to him again, until he was finally right behind him and he had no choice but to turn around and face him. The expression on his face was one of pure incredulity, but Jade couldn't blame him.

“Davey, please...” He panted, finally coming to a stop. “I just want to apologize.”

“What the fuck?” Davey snapped, eyebrows knitting together in frustration and disgust. “You followed me to tell me that? What you've basically been saying this whole time? I said to give me some time. That means more than five minutes." He didn't get why it mattered so much to Jade; the guy didn't even fucking know him.

Jade shook his head wearily, straightening up. “It's not like that. I know it seems weird but I just really...Look, I mean...” He shifted, uncomfortable under Davey's sharp, judging gaze. He suddenly felt very silly and embarrassed for having run out here after him like that. God, he must look like a creep. “I know that's what you said but the thing is...I just...I have some other things to say too. I wasn't done.”

Davey cocked his head to one side, crossing his arms over his chest. His mouth was set in a thin, tight line and he still seemed annoyed, but he also seemed curious. When he spoke again, it came out softer. “Well, what is it?”

"I came across your blog two or three months ago. I couldn't stop going back to it." He paused and rubbed the back of his neck, feeling his face grow warm as he thought about how odd this all must sound. He didn't dare look up to meet his eyes. “I just kinda realized I threw away the chance to be friends.” He clasped his hands and glanced nervously up at Davey.

“So, basically, you've been stalking me.” Davey stared at him darkly, arms still tightly crossed over his chest.

“No, I don't know why the fuck you'd think that. Your blog is public and I found it by accident.” He paused to see that Davey was unmoved, still staring at him as though he'd grown three heads. Sighing, he pointed out, “Hey, you probably did stuff like that too, searched me on Google or some shit like that. Is it so fucking bad that Smith told me about you and I read your blog? Admit it, you were closer to stalking me than I was to stalking you. I know you're mad but give me a break.”

Slightly embarrassed, Davey lowered his head again and allowed his fringe to cover his face, masking his expression. For several moments, he was completely speechless, picking at his nail polish and toying with the cuff of his shirt. Swallowing, he peeked up at Jade and spoke softly. “Yeah, fine. It's just strange that you'd take such an interest in me.”

“Why?” Jade asked. "I like you despite what you think. Can't we try to get along?”

Davey sighed and ran both his hands through his hair, holding them there for a long time as he thought. “I can hardly believe this.” Another sigh. “I don't know what makes you so bored and lonely to go asking someone like me to be 'friends,' but I'm not really the type to entertain people like you. Maybe I just want to have a normal life. Maybe I'm fine not having celebrities and groupies and the paparazzi all over me."

“You're lucky,” Jade insisted, a small frown creasing his forehead. He could feel the frustration really beating inside him now.

“How am I lucky?” Davey asked, quirking an eyebrow, his mouth slack.

“You're lucky because no one expects you to be otherwise. Maybe I'm sick of this shit and want what you have.” Jade huffed, a cold shiver running through his body. He hadn't meant to have gotten so worked up but fame was something he was sorely regretting.

Much to his surprise, Davey laughed. He shook his head and told him, amused, “You have no reason to whine about that. If you want it so fucking bad you can have it. You could revoke your place in Loose Change and disappear. Eventually, people would get bored of you when they saw you weren't going to come back out of obscurity and move on to some other celebrity who was begging for attention.” He waved his hand, looking disgusted again.

“But...” Jade's mouth flapped open and closed, completely useless to him as it refused to form words. His brain locked up as well, leaving him incapable of retrieving an appropriate response.

“Yeah, exactly,” Davey told him, smiling in a mock-friendly manner. “But you don't really want that, do you? You like the admiration and attention because you feel insecure, because you can't accept yourself and be satisfied with yourself. You need thousands of people to come flocking to you and adoring you so you can feel like you're worth something, like you've done something with your life. But have you, Jade? Have you really?" He paused to take a breath, to let his words sink in. "Other people can't fill the hole you've created for yourself. You have to like who you are and what you do because nothing else will suffice.”

Jade was all the more taken aback. He really didn't want to believe it but that was impossible when he knew it was how he felt. He was fucked up and even a near stranger could tell that. Despite Davey's harsh, stinging words, something in his eyes was also uncertain and longing. Maybe he thought he had let it go, but something about his eyes told Jade otherwise.

“You got me. A lot of that is true.” Jade held up his hands, deciding that honesty and frankness would get him farther than denial. “But I think you're the type that loves attention more than I do. You want it so fucking badly you can hardly stand it. Everyone wants attention, and no one is satisfied with their lives. Agreed?”

Davey faltered, caught off guard and embarrassed again. He chewed on his nail and stared off in another direction in a futile attempt to escape Jade's intent stare. Flicking some chipped polish from his finger, he dropped his chin and nodded reluctantly, muttering, “Agreed. I'm a hypocrite.” He paused, running a hand through his hair and staring at the cracks in the sidewalk, shuffling his feet against them and looking almost as if he wanted to disappear into them. “Hey, we really shouldn't be seen together like this. I don't want to be a part of your mess or have people talking about who they saw you with doing what, you know? I'm just going to leave now.” He turned his back, trying once more to walk away.

Reaching out, Jade grasped his shoulder and stopped him, holding on tightly despite his attempts to shove him off or break away. “I'm not really that famous. Chill out.” He paused to take a deep breath, letting it out in a slow, steady stream through barely parted lips. “I know I've said this a million times but I mean it. Please give me a chance. You and Smith are friends so we should at least be acquaintances.”

Davey scoffed. “I don't know why you want to be friends this badly.”

Before he could go on another long spiel, Jade gave an answer that he hoped would sway Davey's opinion in his favor. “We clicked.” He fell silent, brown eyes pleading with Davey.

Davey turned slowly, eyes fixated on Jade. He blinked, lips trying to form words but failing.

“Will you at least spend some time with me later? You know, to talk?” Jade asked softly, leaning in a bit closer. “You can pick where we go; I don't care. I just want to hang out.”

Davey's eyes darted back and forth nervously, his tongue flicking out at his lips. "I don't know.”

“Please?” Jade pressed.

Apparently, he must've looked as crushed as he felt because Davey finally relented. “Okay, but I can't do anything until Wednesday.” He sighed in defeat. Reaching in his pocket, he retrieved a business card and pressed it into Jade's hand. “This is my cell. You can call me around five-thirty Wednesday. But—” He held up a finger, his tone taking on a more stern quality to it. “Talking only. Understand?”

Nodding eagerly, Jade pocketed the card. “That's fine. I'll talk to you then.”

Davey murmured a terse goodbye and turned again, hurrying off before Jade could change his mind and corner him again. He looked so miserable that for a moment Jade felt guilty about being so persistent. But then, he shook it from his head. If Davey really didn't want this, he wouldn't have accepted the invitation like he had. If Davey wanted to walk away at any time after this, then Jade would let him go. Pocketing the card, he headed back to the mess he'd left at the café.


	11. Chapter 10: The Illusion of Progress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Chapter Notes: Sorry it took so long to update. This story is a bitch to edit; it takes me forever. Anyway, my irritation aside, I hope you enjoy the chapter (though I realized today it might sound too much like a rehash. I'm not sure, though. I'm too tired to think about it anymore because I've been staring at it all day.)
> 
> Disclaimer: These are mere characters based on the members of AFI (not the real members, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

It had been a few days since Davey had spoken with Jade in person. They’d talked on the phone once since, though Jade had only spoken to him briefly to ask if he could come over so they could ride together and go out. This inquiry had been sprung on him and he hadn’t had much time to think about it before he’d accepted.

Even with all the mental preparation he’d done, it still didn’t make the plans any less nerve wracking. Jade was going to swing by his house in half an hour and he had just barely gotten out of the shower, hair still damp and dripping, body shivering and crawling with goose bumps in the cool air of his room. Currently, he was frantically digging through his closet for something, anything, suitable to wear. So far, he hadn't found anything that would do. Annoyed, he tore shirt after shirt off their hangers, holding them up to inspect them, then tossing them into the growing, messy pile beside his bed. His room was a wreck, his house was a wreck, he was a wreck.

“Okay,” he sighed to himself, tucking a strand of wet hair behind his ear, “Calm down. Everything's fine. It's just Jade. Just another guy."

Disgusted, he reached into his closet again and flipped through the hangers, finally settling on a white, long-sleeved dress shirt and a pair of faded, tight black jeans. Grumbling to himself about how silly he was being, he dressed hurriedly and pulled on his favorite pair of Converse. He'd hardly laced them up and snatched his jewelry from his dresser when the loud ring-tone of his cell phone startled him.

Jumping, he fumbled around for it, finally discovering it buried under a pile of dirty clothes. A mere glance at the caller ID. Adam. Relief flooded through his too-tense veins.

“Hello?” he answered, breathless.

“Hey, just calling to see if you wanted to come over and watch a movie tonight.” Adam was grinning; Davey could hear it in his voice.

His stomach sank a little; movie nights with Adam were an all-time favorite of his. Often, they'd fix some popcorn and then grab a bunch of old horror flicks from Adam's private collection—or go out to rent the ones he didn't have. Running a hand through his hair to push it back, he replied, tone soft, “I'd really like to, but I have other plans tonight. Sorry.”

“That's fine.” Adam sounded a little disappointed. “We can do it some other time.” He paused for a moment, then asked curiously, “What're you doing tonight?”

Davey waved it off, trying to sound as casual as possible. “Not much. Just going to hang out with a friend.” He tacked on a short laugh at the end, hoping Adam wouldn't ask any more questions. He was embarrassed and ashamed of himself for giving into Jade—though he wouldn't back out of it now—and he didn't want Adam to know yet. Eventually, he would know. But now was not a good time.

He wasn't so lucky, though. Adam asked, “Really? Are you hanging out with Brittany? Nils?”

Davey coughed. “No, someone else. He's coming by in less than thirty minutes so I should probably go. The house is a wreck.” He laughed again, brushing it off and trying to make it seem like no big deal.

Thankfully, this time Adam didn't press for more information. “That's fine. I'll talk to you later. Have a good night.” His tone was warm and cheerful; it made Davey feel all the guiltier for hiding this from him.

“You too,” he said quietly. “Bye.”

Adam murmured his goodbye as well, then hung up. Letting the phone slip from his fingers to the bed, Davey heaved a sigh and stood, ambling towards the bathroom to fetch the hairdryer and trying not to think about how wrong this whole situation was. He wasn't supposed to be so open towards Jade. Not after what had happened, at least. But despite his cynicism, despite everything he told himself, he was letting Jade in—definitely more than he should. Frustrated with himself, he glared at his reflection in the mirror, angrily slamming around some drawers to the bathroom vanity.

Soon, he'd finished straightening and adjusting his hair. Glancing at the clock, he saw he had less than ten minutes left and hurried to apply some makeup. Just a dab of mascara and a little eyeliner—nothing too drastic. A final check in the mirror. Smoothing the front of his shirt, he decided he looked suitable and he hadn't spent too long on his appearance, either; after all, it wasn't like he was trying to _impress_ Jade or anything.

He started to screw the cap back on his mascara when the chime of the doorbell tore him from his thoughts. Carelessly, he tossed it back into the make-up bag on the counter, and hurried out of the room to the front of the house. His heart was pounding as he reached for the doorknob. Surely, it would tear itself from his chest and flop pathetically at Jade's feet. Taking a deep, cleansing breath, he gripped the handle with a clammy hand and swung the door open.

Sure enough, there Jade stood on his doorstep, hands clasped behind his back and head slightly hung. He peered up at Davey from beneath his bleached fringe, tiny, quiet smile playing on his lips. As much as he tried not to let it get to him, he still felt his heart leap slightly at the sight. He struggled with himself. He wanted to make things right with Jade, but he didn't want to let him in his house.

Floundering, he tried to compose himself. “Hi,” he greeted in a weak voice.

“Hey.” Jade shifted from one foot to the other, eyes dropping to the doormat and to his feet.

It was still just as awkward as ever. Davey realized he had to take the initiative. Although it may come across as rude, he did what he had to do. "Hold on one second. Let me get my phone and keys."

For a brief moment, Jade looked a little uncertain, his lips parted and his eyes darting to the side. Finally, he relented, though he still seemed uncomfortable. “Um, okay.” Jade offered another little smile, a peace offering. Davey just returned it stiffly.

Davey cracked the door and then went into the kitchen, feeling around the counter top and the basket that usually held his things. He found his wallet there, but had to go to his room to retrieve his phone and keys. Then he hurried back through to the foyer, where he opened the door again and gave a weary half-smile. This time, Jade didn't return it; his expression was unreadable. More nervous than before, Davey stepped out and shut the door behind him, locking it.

“So, uh..." Jade broke the silence, voice wavering and unsure. Out of the corner of his eye, Davey watched him toss his hair out of his face. “What do you want to do?”

Turning around to look at him, Davey pocketed his keys and then unconsciously crossed his arms over his chest. He was trying to be civil and not make a fool of himself, but he was so overwhelmed with reluctance and, worst of all, attraction. It wasn't much at this point, but it was enough to make his stomach twist uncomfortably into knots.

Trying to relax his tensed muscles and swallow back the rising bitterness, he smiled wanly and finally gave an answer. “I don't know. Whatever you want to do, I guess. We could go get something to eat or walk around.”

Jade shrugged. “If that's what you want. I was thinking maybe we could drive around for a while, snag some fast food or something...maybe catch a show.”

Davey quirked an eyebrow, defenses raising again. “Like a date?” He said it skeptically, visibly pulling away.

“What?” Jade looked taken aback. "That's not what I meant. Geez, stop looking at me like that. I'm not going to get you."

“Can't blame me,” Davey muttered under his breath, toying with his cuff. He suddenly felt sullen again, and there was an aftertaste in his mouth he couldn't quite seem to rid of. With sudden realization, he found that it tasted like Jade. His breath caught in his throat.

“No, I can't,” Jade said. “But I thought we were gonna try to forget about it and let it go." He paused, nibbling on his lower lip and seeking a response; he received none. Davey just looked at him, scrutinizing him. He continued, voice nervous and wavering, "Anyway, if it's not a problem with you, we can just go to a show. I thought it sounded fun."

Glancing up at his eyes with a semi-suspicious gaze, Davey asked, “What show were you thinking of?”

“Well, there's a local band here that I'm friends with. They're playing at an old venue we used to play at. Thought it'd be cool for old time's sake. Want to go?” Jade offered a friendly smile, his eyes softer now.

That was when Davey realized, with another flash of guilt, that Jade was one hundred percent sincere. He had not come to upset him or try to ruin his life; he honestly was interested in having a good, innocent outing with him as company. He couldn't help but be surprised, but pleasantly so. It sounded nice. Besides, if anything went wrong, he could always just leave.

Pushing back his worry, he nodded, accepting the invitation. “Actually, that does sound fun.”

Jade looked relieved. “So, it's a plan?”

“Yeah, let's go.”

Davey stepped off the front porch, Jade following suit. They headed towards the car parked on the side of the road, and then Jade took the lead, throwing a glance over his shoulder at Davey to make sure he was still coming. Momentarily, Davey hesitated. He had considered driving since he still had his doubts but Jade probably had the same doubts he had, despite his amiability. And he had every reason to be worried, too. He told himself, again, that if this didn't work out, he could always demand for Jade to pull over or take him home. So, he obliged and slipped into the passenger side of Jade's car.

He had always thought rock stars would drive fancy, foreign, outrageously expensive sports cars. But Jade didn't. His car was old. If Davey hadn't known better, he would've thought this was Jade's first car or something.

The abrupt slam of the car door jarred him. He glanced over at Jade fumbling with his keys, intent creasing his brow. He waited until they had started down the road before he attempted conversation of any kind, all the while trying to sort through his mind for something to say. Another quick peek at Jade told him he was perfectly content in silence, but Davey was not.

Clearing his throat, he attempted to make light conversation and drag Jade out of his shell a bit. “So…why are you in Oakland anyway? Don’t you have things to do like—I don’t know—write music and host awards?”

Jade hesitated, seeming to let the words sink in before he formulated an appropriate response. Davey drummed his fingers on his knee, hating the silence, hating the awkwardness, hating the way he was feeling every second that he wasn’t distracted from feeling. Thankfully, Jade answered before he could get too agitated. "Not exactly." He spoke slowly, methodically. “I’m not that busy or famous, geez. I’m here visiting my brother."

“Oh, I see.” Davey toyed with his sleeve again, staring down at it. “I didn’t mean to offend you. I just thought you’d be busy with the new album.”

Jade shook his head, eyes still focused on the road, one hand gripping the wheel and the other arm leaned against the window. “Nah, we’ve already done a lot of shows and promoting. Besides, I fucked things up so…you probably heard we’re on hiatus, thanks to me. Chon and Levi really came down on me for it. Honestly, at this rate, I’d be surprised if they kept me in the band.”

Frowning, Davey locked his gaze on Jade. “You're kidding, right? You guys have been together for years. Why would they get rid of you? So you fucked up once. Doesn’t everyone?”

Jade’s eyes dulled and he laughed dryly, tight smile pasted on his lips. “Yeah, that’s what you think. I haven’t fucked up just once. I fuck up all the time. There was a time I was a lot worse. You know, typical stuff like getting shit-faced before shows. That was bad enough but when I OD’ed the first time, I almost got the boot.”

Davey was taken aback. Of course he had known that Jade hadn’t always had a clean-slate past but it was surprising for him to open up and tell him these things. That was when he realized it was a show of tentative trust, a test. He licked his lips and tried to figure out what to say in response without going overboard. Sure, lots of people did those things, and he hated it all so very much to the point he all but condemned them, but somehow knowing Jade had done it too made him feel worse.

Realizing Jade was waiting for him to say something, he quickly spoke, though he was not nearly as well composed as he usually was. “I see. That would explain a lot.”

“Yeah,” Jade continued, expression still dark and shoulders tense, as though he were preparing for an attack. “Not all of us have been drug-free for as long as we’ve lived. You wouldn't understand. It’s really hard.”

Squirming a little in discomfort, Davey nodded, trying to ignore the flair of insult and the barrage of retorts that he held on the tip of his tongue. Instead, he tried to relate. “You're right; I don't understand. I've never done those things. But it didn't make it easy to be a kid who didn't do those things. You feel pretty alone. Sometimes it made having friends hard when they pressured me to do drugs but I had no desire to.”

“Yeah, guess you’re right,” Jade mumbled, turning his head so his expression was obscured from Davey’s view. “I wasn’t strong enough to resist it. I didn’t care at the time—just wanted to get high and feel good. I got hooked on a lot of bad things. Some days it’s still a battle. It’s hard to forget—you just don't.”

“I guess that's the reason most people do it. That's also the reason they can't stop,” Davey sighed, agreeing. He propped his chin in his hand and watched as trees and buildings flew past them, blurred lines of green and gray. “It must really be a battle.”

“Every day,” Jade grunted, running a hand through his hair. “Especially when you're going through tough shit. You just remember the easy escape it provided. See, I have an addictive personality. Drugs and alcohol helped, but what really made me feel wanted was sex. That was harder to quit than anything else.”

Davey half-snorted, half-laughed, wrinkling his nose. He grinned at Jade, mouth taut, but his eyes reflected his darker, more disgusted feelings—at the memories more than anything else. “So you just really love sex, huh? Hypersexual, perhaps?” He immediately regretted saying it as he heard his own stinging words dropping gracelessly from his lips. Jade flinched visibly.

“I...wouldn't exactly say that. Yeah, I love sex, but it's more of a dependency. Like I said, I wanted to feel worth something.” Jade continued to avoid Davey's gaze, clearly embarrassed.

Davey shrugged, though he was appalled at his own lack of empathy. But how could he have any over this subject after what'd happened? “I just thought maybe you should consider it. I thought I was an addict too but then I realized I just have a really high drive. But if you're dependent on others to make you feel good about yourself, that's not healthy. You have to be satisfied with who you are as a person before anyone can enrich your life. They can't make you happy.”

Jade let out a loud sigh, blowing his fringe from his face. “Yeah, I know, I know. Doesn't make it any easier.”

“You'll get it eventually,” Davey assured him, gazing out the window again. “When you get sick of being miserable and want to do something about it. It happened to me.” He lifted his eyes only long enough to see Jade's expression. It was blank; he remained unimpressed.

A long pause stretched between them. Davey began to feel uncomfortable again; he hated these lulls, even if they never lasted more than five minutes. He wished Jade was a more talkative person. Sure, he knew that filling every second with conversation wasn't a good idea, but he hardly knew Jade.

“Are you feeling better than you did earlier?” he finally prompted, eliciting a startled glance from Jade. He smiled a little at that expression—the large, soft eyes staring at him and full lips slightly parted. Almost as though he had something on his mind, something to say, and yet nothing really at all.

“Uh, sort of.” It wasn't great, but it was a start.

Nodding understandingly, Davey did his best to coax Jade into talking more. “Yeah? Anything on your mind?” He might as well try to be friendly.

“Actually, yeah.” Jade looked unsettled again. He suddenly pulled over on the side of the road, parking on the shoulder next to a split-rail fence and an overgrown field. Shutting the ignition off, he twisted in his seat and turned his body towards Davey, large hands folded on his knees and shoulders slumped. His eyes looked misty. “I wouldn't want to talk about this if I were you but...we need to. There's so much unresolved shit and if we want to make this friends thing work, you and I both know we need to talk about _that_ again.” He cringed visibly, lips parting just enough to snag a glimpse of his crooked bottom teeth.

Davey felt his stomach sink. He leaned his shoulder against the door, staring up at Jade. His stomach churned its protests; this was the last thing he wanted to talk about; he'd rather just forget it had ever happened. Every time he thought about it, he was slapped by a wave of guilt, shame, and anger—anger at Jade as well as himself.

A heavy sigh. “I really don't like talking about it,” Davey muttered, drawing a hand up and over his face. “I hate even thinking about it. What's there to say, though? What's done is done.” He shrugged his shoulders, trying to dismiss the topic as having been resolved.

“I know you hate thinking about it. I do too. But...” Jade paused, eyes shifting back and forth, searching for the right words. "I said my apologies and you said you'd forgive me, but we haven't really _talked_ about it. I know you're angry. And I haven't told you what I need to say, either. So, go ahead. Deal the first blow if you need to."

Davey blinked, stunned. “What the hell are you talking about? You want me to tell you exactly how it makes me feel?”

Peering up with remorseful eyes, Jade murmured, “You should know better than anyone why we have to. I know it's painful and it hurts your pride but we _have to_.”

He was right. If Davey didn't tell him how angry it made him, it would keep coming back stronger and stronger. But deep inside, he knew that wasn't all Jade meant for him to talk about. He knew Jade also wanted him to tell him what wasn't as evident—the guilt, the shame, the sorrow...hell, even the attraction. It plagued him to even consider talking about that last one.

“Fuck.” Davey covered his face with his hands, bringing them down slowly to his lower lip, a long stream of breath escaping his mouth. He begrudgingly accepted it and admitted, “Fine. Let's just keep this short and get it over with. I don't know how far you want to take this, but you asked for it. Just remember that. ” He paused, trying to find an appropriate starting point. "What you did to me...it was both the most wonderful and horrible thing anyone had ever done to me." Halting, he held his breath and waited for a reaction.

Jade arched an eyebrow, his tone incredulous. “Really? How could it be the best and the worst?”

Now came the hard part. Davey screwed his eyes shut and swallowed hard, bracing himself. The images came to his mind in sharp flashes of light. Kissing on the street. Groping heatedly like animals. Fucking so hard it almost hurt. The vision of Jade's body looming over his, heavy flesh against flesh, was so insistently burned into his unwilling mind. It was so embarrassing, so shameful, such a pain in the ass to think he'd been so stupid and downright immature to just have—

“Davey?” Jade prodded, forcing him from his thoughts, “What do you mean?”

He gritted his teeth, clenching his fists hard enough for his long nails to dig painfully into the sweat-ridden palms. It was ripping him apart at the seams, from the inside out, to remember it that vividly and allow the rotten feelings to surface. He felt like an old wound was being slowly scraped open and apart, left to bleed out and deteriorate.

A tremble wracked his body, but he forced it into submission. “I hate talking about this.” It was almost spat. He gripped the seats in order to control the uglier side of himself.

“I know...” Jade's tongue flicked out across his lips, eyes darting around nervously. “It's okay.” He made the mistake of reaching out to lay a hand on Davey's shoulder. It was all but slapped away.

"Don't touch me." His growling tone was low, feral. An apology died on Jade's lips as Davey spoke over him. “I can't stand what you did to me. I have admired you for thirteen goddamn years, through thick and thin. You didn't know me, I didn't know you, but I supported you through everything. Maybe I was out of line with how far I took it, but I don't think I deserved that." He felt his eyes stinging a bit, his breath catching in his throat. The least Jade could've done was ask him to stay the night or been kind when he'd asked him to leave. The latter would've still hurt in some ways, but he would've understood it a lot more than the way Jade had thrown him out. That was almost to the point of unforgivable, no matter how desperate Jade was to correct it now.

Continuing shakily, he said, "You had absolutely no regard for me as a human being, someone with feelings—someone who's supported you since you started the band. You showed no respect for me or yourself. So I lost a lot of respect for you that night." He took a breath, looking down at his hands. "I hated what I let you do to me and I hated you. I couldn't listen to your music after that. You have to understand you did more than just hurt me."

There was so much more to it; he felt like he'd loved him in many ways, and Jade had killed that part of him. No regard. No care. He glanced up, eyes dark and wet and angry, chest heaving. He bit down on his tongue to prevent the flood of bitter comments that still had yet to be dumped on Jade, knowing it would be nonsensical and overwhelming at this point.

Jade was silent for a long time, taking the poison words in, letting them saturate him to his very core. His gaze remained affixed on the seat, long fingers interlaced with each other. His hands were shaking and very white. Davey couldn't tell what he was thinking; he didn't know if Jade was even thinking at all. Suddenly, he felt drained. He slouched in his seat, still breathing deeply and erratically, light-headed to the point his surroundings seemed to be spinning. He had to close his eyes to keep from getting sick. Even now, Jade had the ability to make him lose his cool more than anyone ever had.

He still had his eyes shut when Jade spoke again, voice cracking and weary. “I understand. I was wrong to kick you out. I was wrong to have made a move on you at all. I'm so sorry.”

Regret. It was an emotion less than foreign to Davey. It was an emotion he was feeling right now. Despite what Jade had done, he didn't feel like he deserved to hear it over and over again. He already had had enough grief come from what had happened. Perhaps they should talk about this more calmly—but it was just so hard to control himself.

He had to swallow his pride again in order to admit his error. “It's going to be okay. If I just... I need to let it go.”

Jade sighed, sounding winded, almost as though someone had punched him in the stomach. “Don't worry about it. You got the anger out. Now if you'd just tell me...” He stopped, but his eyes said it all, told Davey what he wanted him to say.

_This_ was the part Davey had been dreading. Anger was something he could handle. But the rest? He didn't want to, but he could feel Jade silently prodding him. He didn't need to touch Davey for him to feel it. So it seemed he had no choice but to continue. “Honestly? You broke my heart.” His voice wavered; he swallowed the growing lump in his throat. It bobbed back up to the surface, tightening and straining to the point it hurt. Still, he pressed onwards. “I expected something completely different from you. I thought you were one of the truly decent people left and it struck me as extraordinarily rare, especially for a celebrity. I was so enamored of who I thought you were. I wanted to meet you. Tell you how much you meant to me. I didn't expect anything at all in return. So how could you? How could you possibly?" Here, he stared at Jade with broken-starred eyes, disbelief creasing his brow. Even now, he couldn't understand it. If he'd been in the same position, he would've loved his fans, cherished each one of them. Not spit on them and treat them like dirt to be trod upon.

Since Jade said nothing in return, just picked at the edges of his sleeves, his eyes focused down, Davey continued. "I felt like you could understand; you could touch something deep inside me like no one could. But that was stupid, considering a lot of other people think so, too." Here, he gave a wry laugh, feeling wistful. “I really wanted to believe you could be impressed by me, too, that you and I could relate. I wanted you to like me so very much. It still hurts."

Falling silent, he watched as Jade picked at his nails, staring at them as though completely fascinated that they were his. He noted that the more nervous Jade got, the more he picked at them and the skin around them, to the point they would become bloody if he didn't stop soon. He kept waiting for Jade to say something—whatever it was that he needed to say—but he didn't; he didn't seem to remember or even be aware of where he was.

“Jade?” Davey tried to get his attention, reaching out slightly but not quite touching him.

Concern began to well inside of him. Jade was still picking at his thumb, expression blank, body trembling just enough to be noticeable. Davey called his name again, but once more, was ignored. Chewing his lip, Jade breathed in deeply and held it, squeezing his eyes shut to block out the world. It took a moment but Davey slowly recognized the signs and registered what was about to happen—Jade was close to a breakdown.

Suddenly, he felt terrible about unloading all the emotion he'd pent up. All along, Jade had most likely been going through more than Davey had been, but instead of letting it out, had held it inside and harbored it until it'd ate away, corroding him to the point of snapping. And here he was with the weight bearing down on him until he could bear it no more; the wound had festered past infection.

“Are you okay?” Davey asked, worry evident in his tone. When Jade failed to respond, he laid a hand on his trembling arm, to which Jade didn't object to. Swallowing, he quickly apologized in a softer, gentler tone. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said all that.” He would've said more, and had a whole new monologue ready, but Jade brought his eyes up to meet his, stopping him.

“You don't understand,” Jade said in a mere whisper, eyes glistening and full of childish fright and remorse, “how horrible I feel about what happened.” Drawing in a sharp, shaky breath, he brought his hands up to his face and buried it in them, nails digging into the skin. “Oh, _God_.”

Not knowing what else to do, Davey shifted closer to Jade and ran his hand lightly up and down his forearm in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. He wanted to say something to soothe him, but nothing came to mind. In fact, he realized that it would be pointless to say anything; Jade would much rather have the silence to sort out his mind and compose himself. So he opted for the hated, clumsy silence, continuing to gingerly stroke Jade's arm and wait for the storm to pass over.

Jade ran his hands up his face, entangling the elongated fingers in his hair, heels of his hands directly beneath his eyes. His lips trembled a bit but remained taut and firmly pressed together. At this rate, Davey didn't know if he'd ever speak. But it wasn't long before he did find his voice, though it wavered and cracked. “I don't know what to say, Davey. I really don't. I figured you felt like that but...I was kinda hoping it wasn't that bad.” A shuddering sigh wracked his body as he finally dropped his hands, eyes seemingly darker than before, clouded over and murky.

Pitying him despite himself, Davey allowed his touch to linger on Jade's arm as he nodded, trying to urge him on. “You were hurting too much yourself to see that—I think I'm beginning to understand.” True, Jade had only told him fragments of what had happened, but it was enough to piece it together. And it wasn't a pretty picture.

Jade nodded slowly, struggling with himself to speak. “I didn't think it mattered anymore. You were gonna be the last person I did that to. But if you hadn't chewed me out like that, I might not have gone through with that promise.”

Davey tilted his head a bit to the side, lips pursed as he frowned thoughtfully. “Why did you decide to even have a last person to do that to? And why me of all people? From what you've told me, you had only been with girls and were only interested in them.”

Hesitating, Jade leaned against the door and stared out the window, hand partially shielding his forehead. “It's complicated. The truth is...I was curious. I chose you because you were attractive and into me. I wasn't planning on kicking you out until you started getting mushy on me. I kinda freaked. I couldn't handle hearing shit about me that wasn't true.”

“Oh...” Davey sank back into his seat, withdrawing from Jade. “So I was an experiment?”

Jade rubbed his forehead, eyes mostly squinted shut. “Yeah, you were. I regret it, though.”

“All of it?” Davey found himself asking meekly, still looking at Jade.

Jade peered at him with one eye, expression unreadable. “What, you don't regret all of it? What do you mean?”

Feeling embarrassed, Davey fumbled to explain. “I do _mostly_ regret it. There's just something...about, well, you know.”

Jade sat up straighter, rubbing his neck and craning his head in the opposite direction. “You mean there's some glory in fucking a celebrity.”

“Yeah...” Davey's face grew hot at the confession.

“Well, _fuck_.” Jade sounded irritated. “I don't know what to say.”

“I know it's shallow,” Davey said, words tumbling out in a rush, “But it _was_ thrilling, especially since you could've had anyone but—”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it.” Jade glanced over at him, pausing briefly. “I guess I can't blame you. You have a point. Besides, I don't entirely regret _everything_ , either. I figured shit out and the experience itself wasn't exactly bad.”

“So...it wasn't entirely bad...” Davey hadn't realized how tense he'd been until he relaxed now. He hadn't wanted Jade to secretly think it had been terrible, that _he_ had been terrible.

“You sound relieved,” Jade pointed out, blinking. “What did you have to worry about?”

Laughing weakly, Davey waved a hand and looked embarrassed again. “I thought for a second there you hadn't been into it. To be honest, I haven't been with _that_ many people.” _Not as much as you,_ he silently tacked on.

Jade seemed surprised. “Really? No offense, but I kind of thought otherwise. Because that was one of the best fucks I've ever had.”

Davey wasn't sure if he should be flattered or insulted. One thing was for sure; the conversation was getting awkwardly out of hand. At least Jade seemed to feel better. “I think we should wrap this up soon. If you have anything you want or need to tell me, please do so now. I'd rather not talk about this anymore.”

"Oh, yeah, sorry." Looking sheepish, Jade ran a hand through his hair, his smile turning weak. "All I have to say is—I really liked you and was attracted to you. I meant it when I said you were one of the most beautiful men I'd ever seen." He lowered his chin, fringe falling in his face, but failing to hide the blush creeping up to his cheeks.

Davey smiled wanly, his own face burning at the compliment. “Thank you,” he murmured. He felt a little better knowing Jade hadn't been completely faking it.

Jade coughed, finally meeting Davey’s eyes. “So, uh, I guess it’s resolved then. Do you think we can put it behind us now? Think we can start over?”

“I wouldn’t say we could _completely_ put it behind us,” Davey replied, raising an eyebrow. Despite himself, a warm smile soon came over his face and it grew the longer he looked at Jade. “But I think we can move on from here.”

“So…you’ll stop snapping at me and I can stop being sorry every time I see you?” Jade asked tentatively, eyes hopeful.

Davey shrugged. “We can at least give it a go. That’s not to say we won’t slip up. But I’m pretty sure…yes.”

Jade finally relaxed, a stupid looking grin spreading across his face. “Good. Now, want to go grab some Subway? I think I found my appetite again.”

“Sure,” Davey agreed, leaning back in his seat and staring out the window.

Silence fell between them again, but this time, it was more comfortable. Davey was so relieved that after months of dwelling on it in the back of his mind, revisiting it and resenting Jade, they had finally managed to talk it out. And if they could make new memories to replace it, he wasn’t complaining. Maybe everything was going to be just fine.


	12. Chapter 11: The Comfort in Complacency

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Chapter Notes: I don't feel so great about this chapter but I don't really care to spend much more time on it. I fixed it up the best I could. ::)
> 
> Disclaimer: These are mere characters based on the members of AFI and those affiliated with the band (not the real people, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

Despite his earlier concerns about the evening, by the time they arrived at the venue, Davey actually found himself having fun. They’d talked quite a bit beforehand, and he felt like he was finally getting to know Jade better, even though he still seemed hesitant to fully reveal himself for who he was. He found that Jade was shy, as well as every bit as intelligent as he’d originally thought. Now that they'd discussed what they needed to discuss, he found this was turning out well after all.

Currently, they were heading around the side of the building, using the darkness as their cloak. Davey wasn’t too sure about getting in this way but Jade had insisted it would be all right, that he was good friends with the guys who owned the venue as well as the band that was playing. Still, Jade stuck close by Davey’s side, hands jammed in the pockets of his jeans and head hung low, almost as though he was trying to hide.

Smirking a bit, Davey nudged him gently and reminded him, “I thought you said you weren’t that famous.”

Jade glanced up, confused. “Oh, uh, yeah.”

“Then why are you acting like you’re trying to hide?” Davey asked, raising an eyebrow and brushing his hair from his face.

Instead of answering, Jade merely shrugged the question off with one shoulder and a half-mumbled, incoherent response. Before Davey could say anything or ask him what he'd said, Jade had reached for the door, pushing it just slightly ajar and peeking in, calling out, “Hey, Ralph?”

“Yeah?” came a voice from inside the hallway. Davey shifted closer to see, and then a bearded man in a beanie with huge gauges and a tattooed neck emerged from the other side. Davey glanced over him up and down. His eye caught on the plastic ID hanging around his neck.

“Hey,” Jade greeted him, smiling crookedly. “Can I come in?”

Ralph nodded. “Sure! It’s always a pleasure to have you. Come right in.” He ushered Jade in through the door, then paused when he saw Davey.

Turning halfway around, Jade jerked his head a bit, gesturing for Davey to follow him. “It’s okay if I bring my friend, right?” he asked, almost as an afterthought, eyes still trained on Davey. They were almost too intense, boring holes into him, and it made Davey's mouth go dry.

“Yeah, go right ahead. We’re glad to have you.” Ralph stepped aside, allowing Davey to slip past him into the welcoming, brightly lit interior.

In response, Davey turned his eyes up to him and murmured a small thank you. He would've said more, but Jade was already going down the hall, hands still jammed in his pockets and strides long, quick. He had to hurry to catch up to him. “So, uh, who’s playing tonight?” he asked.

“Scarlet Grey,” Jade replied, stopping in the middle of the short hall. “I met their singer, Ben, after a Rise Against show in L.A a couple of years ago. I kinda encouraged him to start the band in the first place. They’re pretty cool. I think you’ll like them.” He kept looking at the side hall to the right, seemingly distracted. “Hey, want to meet them? I should probably let them know I’m here anyway.”

“Sure,” Davey agreed, following him down the side hall, eye catching on the corner of Jade's mouth as it dimpled in a soft smile.

As they got to the end of the hall, his attention was redirected to the thin, blonde man leaning against the wall. He was fumbling with a cell phone, intent expression creasing his brow; he didn’t even seem to notice that Jade and Davey had shown up. That was, until Jade spoke up.

“Hey,” Jade greeted, smiling sheepishly. “Hope you don't mind me busting in like this.”

He glanced up, momentarily startled. Quickly, he snapped his phone shut and pocketed it, large grin washing across his features. “Nah, I don’t mind. I’m always glad to see you. What brings you here?”

Jade shrugged. “I was in town and thought I’d drop by. I decided I’d stay for the show.” He then turned to address Davey, placing a hand on his arm. “Oh, and this is my friend, Davey Marchand. Davey, this is Ben Grey. He’s the vocalist.”

“Nice to meet you.” Ben extended a hand, which Davey shook.

“Likewise.” Davey offered a smile, releasing his hand.

Ben turned his gaze back to Jade. “So how long are you gonna stay in the Bay area? I thought you were having a get-together this weekend in L.A.”

“Actually, I’m probably going back to L.A. tomorrow morning. I'm still having that thing at my house.” He paused, then turned to Davey, his eyes lighting up with inspiration. “Hey, you should come too.”

Davey blinked, a little thrown off and a little unsure. He shifted uncomfortably. On one hand, he was sorely tempted, but on the other hand, he and Jade had just come to terms with each other and with their past, no matter how brief and recent it had been. Truthfully, he wasn't sure it was that wise to go to his house so soon. “I don’t know…” He crossed his arms over his chest.

Something like realization crossed Jade's face, and if Davey wasn't mistaken, he was sure he saw him cringe, the corner of his mouth twitching down. “Don’t worry,” Jade assured him hurriedly. “Smith will be there. And Ben and Nate are coming too.”

“L.A. is a ways from here,” Davey laughed, shaking his head. “I don’t really want to drive all that way or take a flight.” Eyes flicking from the floor to Jade's eyes, he bit his lip, wondering if he understood why he was so hesitant. Jade seemed to realize it, yes, but did he really _get_ it? How inappropriate this could be?

“Maybe you could come with us,” Ben suggested, shrugging. “Any friend of Jade’s is a friend of ours. Besides, our last stop for a few weeks is just north of here so we’ll probably be driving back through Oakland late Friday. We could take you and Smith. Jade could take you guys back.”

“Yeah,” Jade pressed. “We’d do that. C’mon, it’ll be fun. I’ll let you stay over if you want. Smith’s gonna stay too.”

Davey shifted from one foot to the other, turning the idea over in his head. Jade was looking at him expectantly. Even if he’d forgiven him, he still didn’t trust him so he wasn’t sure if this was such a good idea. On the flip side, this could give him an opportunity to get to know Jade better and mend things. Plus, there was no doubt about it—it would be fun to go on a road trip and meet new people who could be friends. It wasn't like there was much else he had to do on the weekend. So what did he have to lose? If anything went wrong, he could take care of it himself or ask for Smith’s support. After having gotten to know Smith and hanging out with him for several months, he figured he could trust him. And if things got too out of hand, he knew that all he’d have to do would be to call Adam and he’d help out as well. Truly, though, their intentions did seem nothing but friendly so he figured there was no harm in accepting.

“Well, if Smith’s going to be there, okay, I’ll go.” Davey smiled wanly.

Jade smiled as well, a little breath leaving him – something like relief. “Awesome. It’s a plan then. I know it’s a long drive but I promise it won’t be boring.”

“I actually like long drives,” Davey admitted. “Especially if I’m not alone.” Doubts aside, now that he thought about it, it could be a lot of fun. He'd always missed the days that he and his band had traveled, missed those times when he could be with his friends and experience the world in a new light. That had been something he'd always wanted to do, had known from the beginning that it was meant for him. Getting to be close to it again made him ache – but it wasn't unpleasant.

“You’ll have plenty of company,” Ben assured him, smiling with his arms crossed over his chest, staring at the floor. “Hey, we can finalize plans and get you introduced to everyone after the show. Sound good?”

Davey nodded. “Yes, thank you.” He felt a sudden wave of excitement wash over him, a wave that blocked out any concerns he had.

“No problem. Anyway…” Ben glanced over his shoulder to the right, at the closed door behind him. “I have a few last minute things to do. I’ll catch you after the show.” Flashing a final smile, he waved and slipped through the door into the back room.

After finishing up their goodbyes, Jade turned and walked around the corner, Davey close at his heels. “He’s such a great guy, I’m telling you,” Jade said as he opened the door to the main room. “I think you guys will really get along.”

Davey nodded, spirits uplifted even more so than they already were. “Yeah, I get that feeling too.”

Jade failed to reply as they made their way to the front of the stage, standing just off-center. Davey leaned against the railing on his elbows, hair falling in his face. He could feel Jade standing close to him; he didn’t have to look to know they were nearly touching. Why he was standing so close when it wasn’t necessary, Davey wasn’t sure. Maybe it was just a habit of his or something.

They spoke quietly, lightly, to pass the time before people started trickling in. Then, it was as though someone had flipped a switch—Jade fell completely silent. It must’ve been the shyness. After all, it was a fairly large crowd. As the lights dimmed for the first band to make their way onstage, excited bodies pressed closer to them as the owners wished to be closer. Jade recoiled slightly, seeming uncomfortable. Davey took note of this out of the corner of his eye.

“You okay?” he asked, craning his neck to look at him.

Jade curled closer to him, edging away from the surrounding sea of strangers. “Um, yeah.” He looked pathetic and sheepish, hair already a mess and falling into his flushed face.

“You don’t look okay,” Davey pointed out, brow furrowing.

Hesitating, Jade glanced around, shifting on his tip-toes. “It's just... Getting too close to people makes me nervous.” He shut his mouth before he could explain any further, his face flushing even more.

Davey was about to mention that he didn’t seem nervous about standing so close to him, but then music blasted from the speakers and there was no room to talk anymore, so he fell silent as well. He enjoyed himself, though he occasionally cast a glance back towards Jade, who was standing as quiet and serene as ever, hands jammed in his pockets and eyes fixated on the stage. His expression was fairly unreadable, save for the spark of intrigue in his eyes. He may not have really shown it but, despite the pulsating crowd, he loved this every bit as much as Davey did – and Davey knew it.

Over the course of the first set, Jade ended up getting squeezed closer and closer. By the time the final song ended, he was sandwiched between Davey and two girls. Davey wouldn’t have minded it but Jade seemed uncertain; Davey could feel his body trembling slightly as it was pressed against his side.

He really was fucked up, wasn’t he? Davey couldn't understand what had happened to him to make him this nervous about being so close to other people. Surely he hadn’t always been like this. After all, he'd seemed fine earlier. Davey stole a glance at him, and when there was silence save for the murmuring of the crowd signifying the beginning of the break, he finally caved in. He leaned in Jade's face to speak quietly so no one would hear.

“Is something wrong?” He let his hand rest on Jade’s arm, eyes intently focused. He swallowed hard, searching Jade's gaze – but Jade wouldn't look at him.

Jade took a deep breath. “It's nothing…”

“What?” Davey asked, tilting his head a bit to one side. A frown presented itself on his brow.

Jade shook his head, but he looked uneasy, uncertain. His eyes flicked from the stage to Davey's gaze before drifting back again. Discomfort hung heavy in the air.

Frowning, Davey pressed on. “It can’t be that bad. Tell me.”

“You really want to know?” Jade looked puzzled, even more uncomfortable and sheepish.

Davey nodded. “Yeah.” He glanced down, to where Jade was practically clinging to his arm. If that wasn't indication enough that something wasn't right, he didn't know what was. “What’s up?”

Self conscious, he took a step away from Davey – or at least tried to. He couldn’t pull away very far when they were locked in against the barrier by so many kids. “The thing is...” He paused, grinning sheepishly. “I hate crowds. I’m claustrophobic.”

It took a moment for the information to sink in. Davey nodded slowly. “I'm sorry.” He offered Jade a warm, sympathetic smile.

No wonder he seemed so put off. And Jade didn’t seem to trust people either, which made Davey wonder what all had happened, if there was more to the story than Jade was telling him. Already, he could tell that several of these kids knew who he was by the way they were looking at him. And that in itself must make him pretty nervous, especially since he had never liked to mingle much with fans anyway.

Feeling a soft wave of pity, he spoke again after a long moment of thought, drawing Jade’s gaze back to him. “Will you be okay? We can leave if you want.”

Jade shook his head, fringe flopping in his face. “Nah, I’m good. I’ll get over it.” He tried to force a smile, but it came across as weak.

Smiling again, Davey relaxed a little and let his arm slip around Jade’s waist in a comforting gesture. Initially, Jade stiffened at the contact, then gradually eased into the touch. They said nothing for several moments, opting to look around them at the room so familiar yet so strange to see occupied by an expanse of unfamiliar faces. It really was stifling, feeling almost like all the youth population of the Bay area had been compiled into that one, tiny shared space.

“Things sure have changed,” Davey murmured, eyes still scanning the crowd. “I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve last been here.” Thinking of it, when had been the last time he'd come to this venue? He couldn't really recall... It had to have been sometime during, or right after, college.

Jade nodded slowly. “Unbelievable,” he spoke, barely a whisper.

Out of habit, Davey gave him a little squeeze. He would’ve also rested his head on Jade’s shoulder had he not pulled away abruptly. Glancing up, he noticed the guilt etched across his features.

“What?” Davey asked. “You don’t like me touching you?”

“No, it’s not that.” Jade lowered his head so Davey couldn’t see his face. He had a bad habit of letting his hair mask his expressions, Davey thought. “I just don’t know how you can touch me.”

“It's not a bad thing,” Davey remarked. “I do that with everyone. I’m touchy.” He grinned weakly. Jade neither responded nor looked up so he tacked on, “If you don’t like it just tell me.”

Jade seemed to be mulling over this, turning it over in his mind. Slowly, he shook his head, tiny smile at the corners of his lips. “Nah, it's fine. I’m just not used to it.”

“So you don’t mind? I can touch you?” Davey smiled a little, eyes dancing.

A long pause as the next band began to make their way onstage. Even so, Davey patiently awaited Jade’s reply. Jade finally glanced up, shaking his fringe out of his face, eyes shining in the colored stage lights that swung tantalizingly and cast eerie shadows over the crowd. He spoke softly, just before the music took effect and drowned out the world around them. “It’s all right if you want to.”

That was all the permission Davey needed. He slipped his arm back around Jade’s waist and pulled him closer, enjoying the snug warmth. This time, Jade allowed his own arm to drape over Davey’s shoulders, returning the gesture. When Davey looked over again, Jade’s fringe was still in his face, but it couldn’t conceal the large grin spreading over his mouth.

–

The rest of their evening went so well that Davey was still playing it over and over in his mind several days later. Jade had been right; not only did he like Scarlet Grey’s music, but he also really liked the members as people, too. He got along really well with Ben and had spent a good portion of time after the show chatting with him. Even though he’d been occasionally nervous thinking about hanging out with semi-famous people in the past, now that he was actually to that point, he was finding himself a lot more comfortable than he’d imagined. Now, if it had been Beyonce that might’ve been a different story…

It wasn’t just his good mood that resided, though. He was also worried. A small part of him kept warning that spending the weekend at Jade’s might not be such a good idea. He kept waving it off because he was sure by this point that it _would_ be okay. Still, the ugly feeling lingered and by Friday, he felt just as weighed down and uncertain, maybe even a little ill. Despite his attempts to cover it up, his friends picked up on it, but strangely enough, it was Brittany who was the first to bring it up at work when he took his third break that day.

She followed him into the break room, strides fast and heels clicking on the polished floors. He hadn’t noticed she’d come after him until she shut the door firmly behind her, thin eyebrows raised suspiciously at him. He returned the expression, only more apprehensive than suspicious. A speechless moment passed between them as Davey poured himself a cup of water, lifting it to his mouth for a tiny sip. His throat felt so dry.

“Okay, what’s going on?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest. “You’ve been so out of it lately. What’s up?” Now seeming more concerned, she tilted her head to the side, eyes regarding him worriedly, lips slightly pursed.

Davey swallowed another mouthful of water, hard. Setting the cup down, he tried to think of a good way to answer these questions. “I've just had a lot on my mind. Nothing’s wrong.”

Her expression softened and she took a seat at the table, peering up at him. “Is it because of Ms. Andrews? I know she's giving you a hard time.” A pause; Davey offered no more information, instead choosing to stare at a piece of feelingless artwork on the clinical wall before him. It felt like a doctor's office in here, he mused to himself, grimacing. That was when Brittany spoke again, and he saw he cringing from the corner of his eye. “Maybe you shouldn’t be taking another break.”

“It'll be okay,” Davey insisted with a wave of his hand. He took another sip, anxious eyes trained out the window. Sure, he might have said that, but he honestly wasn’t sure if it would be. Brittany had a point. Ms. Andrews had been on his case for weeks; nothing he did was right anymore. To be honest, with the way she was acting, he wouldn’t be surprised if she dismissed him soon.

“She’s not happy with you,” Brittany murmured as though reading his thoughts, staring down at her hands splayed across the polished wood tabletop. “If there's something going on that's affecting work, you should let us know.” She bit her lower lip, catching one of her lip piercing between her teeth.

Davey stared down into his cup, swirling its contents around and around. He could feel Brittany staring at him expectantly, waiting for him to respond or open up to her. Defeated, he sighed and slumped against the counter top. He might as well… “Fine. You remember what I told you about Jade, right?”

She nodded slowly, fingers drumming on the table in anticipation. Though he hadn't told her the whole story, she knew enough. However, he wasn't sure if he should continue, even so. But the way she was looking at him so worriedly told him he had no choice but to open up.

A heavy sigh. “He apologized for what he did and we hung out. We went out last night, actually,” he admitted sheepishly, face heating up.

“You went somewhere with him?” she asked, brows knitting together in frustration, concern. “ _Why_?”

“It’s a long story.” Davey tried to shrug it off. “I’m good friends with his brother.” He stared out the glass into the hallway, looking for any sign of Ms. Andrews. She was absent, so he relaxed and continued. “Anyway, he invited me to some get-together this weekend and I'm not sure about it...”

Brittany stared at him, gaze increasingly sharp. “Please don’t tell me you’re going.”

He brushed his hair from his face, looking up to smile weakly, tone almost childish. “Yeah…I’m going.”

Her forehead creased as though she were in pain, jaw tensing. “You’re kidding.” When he shook his head, she all but let him have it. “What the hell are you thinking? After what he did to you? And you’re going to his place?”

“Please,” he interrupted, holding up a hand. “I know it sounds crazy. But he doesn’t seem like such a bad guy. And it's not like we're going to be alone. Smith’s going to be there too.” He offered a reassuring grin, though her reaction was enough to twist his stomach in knots and make him second-guess himself.

She looked at him with distress evident in her green eyes. “I still can’t believe you’re going to do this. I wouldn’t do it; I’d never talk to him again. You’re _crazy_.” She shook her head in disgust. “Be careful.”

“I will be,” he assured, forcing another smile as she continued to gape at him. “It’ll be just fine. Promise.”

“You should at least bring someone else with you,” Brittany suggested. “Someone you know well. Just in case.”

Davey hesitated, turning the idea over in his head, nodding a little. “Yeah, I know. It's just... I don’t know. I’ll think about it.” He downed the remainder of his water and crumpled the paper cup, tossing it into the nearby brown-gray trash can.

“Just be careful,” Brittany reiterated as he slipped past her towards the door. She stood, placing her hands on his shoulders and forcing him to turn and look at her. She looked so pitiful that for a moment he wondered if he shouldn’t go just for her sake. “Don’t let him hurt you again.” She pulled him into a tight hug, resting her cheek against his shoulder.

Surprised, he hugged her back briefly, then gently pulled away to look her in the eyes. “I already said I'll be careful,” he assured her, tone soft and steady. “But I believe in giving someone a second chance.” Leaving her to ponder those words, he stepped back and hurried out the door back towards his office.

Maybe it wasn’t right of him to live by a rule that left room for heartache time and time again. But he didn’t feel right living any other way. It was wrong to hang on to the past. Sometimes, one had to let it go and start over. Brittany was still young. She would understand one day.


	13. Chapter 12: To Forgive and Forget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Chapter Notes: I know it took me a while to update this... I wasn't sure who was still interested and it's several years old... The good news is after this chapter, my writing improved so it shouldn't be as difficult to edit. I hope.
> 
> Disclaimer: These are mere characters based on the members of AFI and those affiliated with the band (not the real people, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

Davey stared out the window, eyelids heavy yet mind buzzing and wired. It was early morning and the navy sky’s horizon brimmed streaks of red-orange and gray-green, sunrise only but a half hour away, yet he had hardly slept at all. He’d been too excited about going on the long drive to Jade’s house to get even two hours in. Before Scarlet Grey and Smith had met him to pick him up, he’d spent his time packing a small bag of things he might need, pacing around, and talking to Adam. Needless to say, Adam wasn’t too happy that he was going, but at least he accepted it after finding that trying to talk him out of it was futile. Davey did feel sorry for him, recalling the look of frustration and shock on his face.

He glanced over at his new friends, slumped over in gentle slumber or staring out the window as he was doing, eyes focused on some imagined, distant land. The cool atmosphere had grown comfortably quiet, save for the soft roar of tire cruising rough asphalt. What sound resided was not unpleasant in the least; it could lull him to sleep given enough time. Already, he was feeling the quiet pull of respite falling around him and burning his tired eyes. He kept thinking that he couldn’t spare the time because they’d be there all too soon.

In reality, they still had a ways to go. Everyone but Cole and Ben were ready to go to their homes, exhausted from the tour. Davey was sure that Cole and Ben would have gone home, too, had they not been so close to Jade. At least they were catching some sleep as it was, leaning against their seats and looking as peaceful as a person could be cramped and jolted in a moving vehicle. They’d already had their bonding time, played games, shared a few good laughs, talked music…it was far too quiet now. Even Smith was being unnaturally quiet, perched across from him and looking out the window, his head jerking every so often as he started to fall asleep before coming to again.

Not even the gentle sunrise could entice him to stay awake another moment. He should at least try, even if he felt that it would do no good. So, laying his chin against the window sill, he closed his eyes and invited rest to find him. He'd thought it'd be difficult, but within no time, he felt sleep encompass him, holding him delicately in swaying arms as he slipped under to a place where he was floating— _nothing from nowhere and no one at all_.

–

What felt like hours later, Davey was awoken by a gentle shake on the shoulder. Groaning, he turned over and cracked open his blurry eyes to see Ben staring down at him. He blinked a few times to clear his vision and stretched, yawning slightly.

“We’re here,” Ben announced, stepping back. "Smith already went inside."

Feeling heavy with exhaustion and sleep deprivation, Davey slowly eased himself off the seat, bones creaking their protests to limbs long kept cramped and folded beneath him. He grabbed his bag by the seat and followed Cole and Ben out of the tour bus, his world still muddled and confusing in his groggy, half-asleep state of mind. “How long was I asleep?” he murmured, stepping lightly down to the concrete of the driveway.

“Two, three hours,” Ben replied without turning to face him. “I don't know. Enough time for us to drop everyone else off and put our stuff away.”

“Seems like I slept longer than that,” Davey grumbled beneath his breath, pushing his hair out of his face. Now that he was walking up the driveway, he felt a mix of additional fatigue and anticipation hit him. If he hadn’t been so pumped up for this, he probably would’ve crawled back to the bus to sleep. Never in his thirty years did he imagine he’d end up here—spending the weekend at some rock star’s house.

Cole and Ben walked ahead, talking and laughing with each other. Davey hung behind them a ways, still half-asleep but taking the property in with curious eyes. The front lawn was fairly large—a wide expanse of meticulously cared for emerald cut blades, ending with a strip of low standing shrubbery at the front. The house itself wasn’t a mansion of any sort; however, it was a rather impressive two story split-level with cream colored siding, a partial front porch, and expansive picture windows. It was large, yet modest—expensive, yet charming.

They all headed up the neatly lined front walk. The front door was wide open, outer glass door the only thing separating the outside from the darker interior. As they came up the steps, Davey saw Smith lingering in the doorway, waiting for them with a grin that would rival the Cheshire cat spread across his face. He flung open the door for them and let Ben and Cole pass first, to put their things away in the back rooms. Then, he turned his attention to Davey.

“I'm still kinda surprised you came.” He stepped forward and draped an arm around Davey, giving him a tight squeeze and leading him inside. “I'm glad. I haven't really gotten to talk to you a lot lately.”

"You were drunk last night so I doubt you'd remember if we did." Laughing, Davey returned the half-hug, squeezing with as much might as Smith did. “Of course I’d come along. Everything with Jade has blown over. I wouldn't miss this for the world.” He pulled back, smile playing on his thin lips and dark eyes twinkling excitedly.

Smith rolled his eyes at the first comment, but looked relieved all the same. “You know, I’m glad you and Jade made up. He’s not such a bad guy. He can be a lot of fun when he’s not moping. But he got that from me.” He proudly pointed a thumb at his own chest, grinning crookedly.

“I know he’s not a bad guy.” Davey paused, then shook his head, chuckling again. “I don’t doubt you two will keep me more than entertained, though.”

“Right. We can’t have you bored.” Smith grabbed his arm and practically dragged him further into the house. “C’mon, we’re about to start grilling out. You’re gonna love it, I swear. It’s like an all you can eat vegan buffet. We have veggie burgers and corn and…everything.”

“Everything?” Davey cocked an eyebrow, still smiling. “Sounds good.”

“Yeah,” Smith laughed, pulling away from Davey and veering to the side. “I’m starving my fuckin’ _ass_ off.”

Davey shook his head, then let his eyes adjust. The small foyer he’d entered led into the living room, which consisted of a long, curving black faux leather sofa, a matching loveseat, and a couple of over stuffed armchairs with various toss pillows. In the middle of the room was a stained, dark brown coffee table, topped with several books and candles. Each end of the sofa was tipped with dark brown end tables, and in the corner next to the end table was a large bookshelf. Jade obviously liked to read a lot. There wasn’t even a television in his living room, of which Davey was secretly relieved.

Smith swung to the right suddenly, bounding down the hall and up the stairs on the side, waving for Davey to follow. “C’mon, Dave. You can put your shit up here then say hi to everyone.”

Wordlessly, Davey followed him and took one flight of stairs to find a landing, followed by another set facing the opposite direction. He had to hurry to keep up with Smith, who was already on the landing farther up, and swinging to the right again. As he came to the top, he heard muffled voices from one of the rooms, where he found Smith and Ben standing near the bed.

“Throw your stuff on the bed or wherever it’ll fit. Jade won’t care,” Smith laughed, swinging his arm in a curving, welcoming gesture.

“Are you sure?” A quick survey of the room suggested that Jade wouldn’t be too happy to have it cluttered with mess. Everything was in its own place and carefully set and kept clean. He swept his eyes over the simple bed draped in a dark green comforter, a small bookshelf, a nightstand with a lamp and a book, and a small white armchair near the window. That was all; nothing more than necessary was left to fill up the space. He felt a little uneasy just walking in there, lest he disturb something.

Apparently, Davey took too long for Smith’s impatience to hold out. “Yeah, it’s fine. The house is clean now, but it's usually messy as fuck.” He carelessly snatched the bag and jacket from Davey’s arms and slung it onto the bed, rumpling the previously smooth covers.

Ben shook his head at the display, frown slightly furrowing his brow. “We put our stuff in the closet just to keep this from happening,” he pointed out.

Smith shrugged it off. “Seriously, Jade’s not gonna have a hissy fit over it.” He bounded towards the door, jumping to slap the door frame, then continued down the hall, bounce in each step. Davey couldn’t understand how anyone over the age of fifteen could have such an endless amount of energy, especially after how incoherent he'd been the night before.

“He’s crazy,” Ben laughed, arms crossed over his chest as he wandered out the door as well. “Whatever. Let’s go find the others.”

Nodding, Davey followed him downstairs and into the large, white kitchen, where he found several people leaning against the tan tiled counters and chatting. Smith was already stuffing his face with chips and ignoring everyone around him; he obviously couldn’t wait until meal time. Nate was also there, slumped against the cabinets with his arms crossed, engrossed in his conversation with a thin, pretty girl with long brown hair that fell in ringlets over her shoulders. Whatever they were talking about, they were fairly intent on and hadn’t noticed Davey or Ben’s arrival. Cole was off to the side, talking with a bald, scruffy looking man. The side door creaked open then, tearing Davey’s attention from everyone else to the newcomer. Starstruck, he felt his knees get a little weak as he gazed upon the pale man with messy black hair and black-rimmed eyes carrying a plate of food to set on the table. So Jade did know Billie Joe Armstrong, after all.

Turning to Smith, he tapped him on the shoulder, clearing his throat a bit. “Would you mind introducing me to everyone?”

Smith glanced up, mouth stuffed with crunchy snack foods and nodded twice, hard. “Sure.” He chewed vigorously for a moment then swallowed quickly. “Sorry; I didn't think about it.” He moved away from the counter.

Davey was slightly thrown at where Smith chose to start. Nate—and the unknown girl—was the last place he would’ve considered to begin. They looked to be wrapped up in a very serious discussion. It was too late, however, as Smith had already butted in.

“Hey, Vanessa, I want you to meet my friend Dave.” He grinned.

Her hazel eyes flitted over to where Davey stood, awkward smile tugging her mouth taut. “Oh, hello.” She waved a little, trying to be polite.

“Hey.” Davey offered a smile, almost embarrassed at Smith’s lack of manners. He took the hand she held out to him and shook it. “I’m Davey. Nice to meet you.”

“You too,” Vanessa replied, “I’ve heard a lot about you—”

“Yeah,” Smith interjected, slinging an arm around her shoulders. “Vanessa’s my girlfriend. She was one of the first people I shared your EP with.”

Vanessa nodded vaguely, though her eyes were trained on Smith. “Hon, have you been drinking again?” When he nodded, she sighed heavily. “I thought I told you to please wait until after the meal.”

“Sorry,” Smith apologized, giving her a little squeeze, “It wasn’t much. I swear I just started.”

Shaking her head, she mumbled something under her breath only Smith heard, apparently. He reacted with another loud laugh. Davey couldn’t help but smirk despite himself. Smith was a character.

“Okay, okay.” Smith held his hands out, one arm still trapping Vanessa against him. “This is Nate. Nate, this is Davey.”

“You look familiar,” Nate pointed out, frowning as though trying to remember. However, despite his scrutinizing gaze, he took Davey’s hand and shook it.

“Yeah, we met a few times and you probably saw me at some of your shows. I’ve followed your music since you began in Ukiah,” Davey admitted, trying to play it off as coolly as possible. He did a pretty damn good job if he said so himself.

“Damn.” Nate whistled, eyebrows lifting. “That long, eh? Wow. So you grew up in Ukiah?”

Davey nodded. “Yeah. I spent most of my life there. We went to the same high school.”

Nate nodded, mouth turned downwards as he thought about this information. “Cool. It's not often I come across people from Ukiah. Funny we never talked at school.” He paused, as though thinking. A look of recognition crossed his features and he frowned again, pointing at Davey. “Hey, was it you that had the hardcore band AFI? Smith said something about it and let me borrow a copy of the EP…”

“Yeah, that was me,” Davey chuckled, nodding a little too eagerly. “We quit when we went to college though, unlike you guys. I kind of wish we hadn’t though.”

Nate grabbed a beer bottle from the counter and took a swig of it. “I wouldn’t have been able to stand college. Too many restraints. They fill your head with shit.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” Davey insisted, shrugging. “As long as you did the work, you were fine.”

Shaking his head, Nate started to bring the bottle up again. “Damn, still sounds fuckin’ awful. I’m too lazy and stupid for that shit.”

“Um, Smith, think you could introduce Dave to the other guests?” Vanessa smiled softly and gently pushed Smith away from her. He tried to hang onto her and protest, but she would have none of it. “Don’t be rude.”

Davey could tell by the desperate look in her eyes that she just wanted to get back to her private conversation. He pitied her so he chimed in. “Yeah, I'd like to meet the others.”

“Okay, sure.” Smith brightened up and left Vanessa’s side, hurrying over to the other side of the kitchen where Cole was still chatting with the bald man. “Dave, this is Hunter of Hunter Revenge. Hunter, Dave.” As he spoke each name, he gestured towards the owner.

Hunter nodded in Davey’s direction, obviously not interested at the moment; Davey murmured a small greeting and took the hint. He stepped back and turned towards Smith again. “Where’s Jade, anyway?”

“Oh, he’s outside with Billie. They’re cooking. But they won’t mind you.” He threw open the side door, a wave of warmth flooding into the cooler interior. “C’mon, let’s say hi.”

Chuckling to himself at Smith’s enthusiasm, Davey followed him out onto the deck. Sure enough, there was a grill set up and Jade and Billie were standing near it, arms folded and stances mirrored. Jade was grinning widely and Billie was laughing at some joke that they’d been a few seconds too late to catch. Smith was so loud, though, that Jade glanced up the second he came onto the deck.

“It’ll be ready soon, right?” Smith asked, flopping down onto a lawn chair.

“Uh, should be,” Jade replied. His eyes flickered to Davey and a genuine smile played on his lips. “Hey! Glad you came!” He strode across the deck and captured Davey in an embrace, similar in fashion to the one Smith had given him.

Surprised by the sudden change in Jade’s demeanor from the last time he’d seen him, Davey returned the hug and found himself lingering in it a moment too long. “Of course I came,” he said, smile growing. “I'd never miss a get together. So how are you?”

Jade gently pulled away, nervousness flitting through his dark eyes for a split-second before it was extinguished. “I’m good. Actually got caught up on my sleep so I’m feeling a lot better.” He stepped back a little farther, craning over the grill to check on its contents, mumbling into it. “Did Smith introduce you to everyone inside?”

Davey nodded. “Yeah, though I haven’t talked much. We got here about fifteen minutes ago.”

“Gotcha.” Jade was quiet for a moment, then seemed to remember that Billie was still there. “Oh! Talk about rude! I’m sorry; I should’ve introduced you sooner. Davey, this is Billie. I’m sure you know who he is.” He paused, smirking slightly as Davey nodded in Billie’s direction. “Billie, this is Davey. He’s a friend of mine.”

“Nice to meet you.” Billie extended a hand, which Davey took in a firm handshake.

Davey echoed the formality. “Nice to meet you, too.” He released his new acquaintance’s hand, and, unable to contain himself, tacked on, “I really love your work. American Idiot was fantastic.”

Warmth flickered across Billie’s features momentarily. “Thank you,” He laughed softly, folding his hands behind his back, “It’s quickly becoming my favorite, too.”

Their conversation lapsed. Davey didn’t want to seem too effusive or gushing, so he tactfully switched gears. “So how long have you and Jade known each other?” he inquired, before the inevitable lull could become too awkward.

“Actually, we go a long way back,” Billie admitted, turning his head towards Jade, who looked up from turning a piece of corn and regarding him with equal nostalgia. “We met when we were…twenty something? I think…” He glanced up, eyes squinted and mouth quirked in thought. “It’s been a long time.”

“Wasn’t it when we opened for you guys?” Jade asked, peeking from under his fringe, tongs grasped in one hand.

“Hmm, could’ve been…Yeah. Yeah, I think you’re right.” Billie nodded slowly, eyes now glued to the wooden slats of the deck.

“Wow.” Davey crossed his arms, looking from Jade to Billie. “That must’ve been amazing, huh? To have known each other so long and worked together.”

“It is amazing,” Jade agreed, nodding slowly. He kept a concentrated gaze on his hands as he carefully placed the grilled vegetables and meatless patties onto their respective plates. “There’s nothing like sharing your passion with your friends. Too bad being good at it comes with a price.” To this, he grimaced just enough to be noticeable.

“It’s worth it to me.” Billie shrugged. “Sometimes it sucks if people try to stalk you. But other than that, it’s not bad. I might not have met my wife had it not been for the band—we met at a show. I’ve had way more good than bad come out of it.”

Jade laughed a little dryly, snapping the grill lid shut and taking two of the plates. His eyes burned as hotly as coals. “You could say my experience has mostly been the opposite.”

Smith—who’d strangely been quiet this whole time—spoke up, or rather, the alcohol in him did. “Yeah, only ‘cause you made it that way for yourself.”

Jade shot him a dirty look, then realizing his company, quickly sucked in a sharp breath, eyes rolling skyward as though praying for strength. “Never mind.” He paused, balancing both plates on one arm, hand poised above the doorknob. “Let’s just go in and eat, okay?”

“Fuck, yeah!” Smith pumped his fist in the air and dashed past Jade, excited at the prospect of food.

Billie trailed past him, shaking his head and shooting Jade a sympathetic look. As Davey slipped into the house and Jade closed the door behind him, he turned and caught his eye. They seemed pained from being reminded that he was, essentially, nothing but a fuck up. All it took was a soft smile on Davey’s behalf, a gentle, reassuring touch, and the welcoming of all his friends to wipe the look clean off his face. The troubles were forgotten—even if only for awhile—due to the tantalizing prospect of food, something to satiate them and soothe them even if only temporarily.

–

Overall, the day ended up being rather pleasant. Everyone had good food and good conversation and Davey found he quite liked a lot of Jade’s friends, some of which he decided to stay in touch with. Despite enjoying the company, Davey found himself feeling more and more ragged, worn out, as the day dragged on. No doubt it was because he had hardly slept. By the time everyone left, he couldn’t help but feel a small sense of relief. He was so tired it would be nice to just relax. Part of him really wanted to go home but he was so far away.

Instead of complaining or even so much as vocalizing how he felt, he curled up in the corner of Jade’s couch, resting his cheek against an oversized pillow. He watched as Vanessa started to help Smith go up the stairs; he was sick from having drunk too much, no doubt. A small twinge of apprehension settled in his gut because he knew he and Jade were alone. Lifting his head slightly, he looked around the room, noting that Jade wasn’t even in sight.

His curiosity was soon answered when Jade stuck his head in the living room from around the doorway. Offering a small smile, Jade asked, “Hey, want some leftovers?”

“Is that what you call dinner?” Davey laughed, rubbing his aching eyes. Slowly, he sat up, trying to blink the grit away. “Actually, I’m still pretty stuffed from lunch. But a little snack wouldn’t hurt.”

“I’ll fix you something.” Jade disappeared back into the kitchen.

Davey sat there for a moment, staring off into space and listening to the sound of plates clacking and cabinets opening. He didn’t feel entirely comfortable having Jade do everything now that he was the only one around, even if he was the guest. Groaning inwardly, he got to his feet and shuffled into the kitchen. “Want some help?”

Looking startled, Jade turned and quickly shook his head. “Oh, no, thanks. I got it.” He paused to snag some mugs out of a cabinet, then offered, “Coffee?” When Davey hesitated, he added, “It’s decaf.”

Davey shrugged. “Sure.” He leaned against the counter and crossed his arms, watching with half-interest as Jade fiddled with the coffee maker.

“It’ll take a couple of minutes,” Jade told him. “But in the meantime, we can eat.” He set the plates he’d prepared on the table, gesturing for Davey to sit.

A few minutes of comfortable silence passed. Davey chewed his food slowly, staring at the glossy, dark windows. He lost himself to his thoughts for a while until he felt Jade’s eyes on him, a little more intently than he’d have liked, and finally brought his gaze to rest on the man before him to give a quizzical look.

Looking embarrassed, Jade quickly averted his eyes and tried to invent something to redirect Davey’s attention. “So…Did you have fun today?” he asked lamely.

“Of course I did. I like your friends a lot.” Davey replied, picking up a red pepper strip that had fallen from his sandwich. He nibbled on it to stall for time, to try to avoid asking the bold question that was surfacing. It came anyway. “So, uh, why were you staring at me, anyway?”

“Oh, um...” Jade’s face turned pink and he stared down at his plate, toying with his long fingers. “I was just sort of spacing out. Sorry.”

Davey laughed softly, though he couldn’t help but be a little disappointed that was all. “If you say so.”

Jade pinched a bit of bread off and studied it for a moment. “So, uh, you don't feel awkward around me anymore, do you?”

“Just a little,” Davey answered truthfully. “But it’s not that bad.”

Nodding, Jade set his half-eaten sandwich down and got up to check on the coffee. Finding it was done, he started to pour them each a cup. Davey watched his back intently. He seemed calm at first glance, but upon further inspection Davey saw that he was tense, nervous. He wanted to ask him about it but Jade interrupted his thoughts before he’d had a chance to voice them.

“Do you take sugar?”

“Um, a little, thank you.” Davey nibbled his lower lip, listening to the clink of a spoon against the ceramic mug. He wasn’t sure why but, all of the sudden, he didn’t want to eat anymore and his head ached with a dull pressure in the background.

Jade slowly shuffled over to where he was sitting, head propped in his hand. Carefully, he set the mug down in front of him, leaning over him to do so. As he drew back, his eye caught Davey’s and he paused, hovering over him. “You okay? You look kinda pale.”

A moment was squandered as Davey stirred his coffee, staring into its dark depths. He lifted the spoon and breathed softly on the surface, finally taking a tiny sip. It did little to calm his queasy stomach. “I think,” he began softly, running his fingers along the curves of the handle, “that I’m just suffering from sleep deprivation.” He lifted his eyes to meet Jade’s, smile more pained than he’d meant.

Jade’s expression softened, large brown eyes taking pity on him. “Why didn’t you just say so? If you’re feeling bad just go to bed. Here, come on.” He gently took Davey’s elbow, coaxing him to stand. “I’ll show you where you can sleep. You can take your coffee, and if you get hungry later, just snag something from the kitchen. I don’t care.”

“Thanks.” Davey smiled weakly, allowing Jade to lead him towards the back.

They went down to the end of the hall, bypassing the stairs. There, Jade gently nudged Davey to the left, into a room that seemed to be of a fairly good size. He released Davey’s elbow and flicked on the light switch, illuminating the room. In the middle, there was a queen-sized bed covered in a burgundy comforter, accented with large, overstuffed cream colored pillows. There was an oval, cream colored rug next to the bed, contrasting with the darkly stained wooden floors. A dark stained nightstand with a lamp, alarm clock, and a few pictures—of friends and family, Davey assumed—stood beside the bed. In the corner, there was a desk of the same wood type and stain; on top of it were neatly arranged volumes of books, along with folders, notebooks, and a computer. The whole room was painted a pleasant cream, and there were several windows framed with burgundy drapes. It may have been foreign to him, and it may have been immaculate—much unlike his own room—but Davey was so exhausted it felt like home to him. Immediately, he strode over to the bed and collapsed into a heap on it, legs curled and crumpled beneath him and arms splayed across the pillows. His reaction elicited a soft chuckle from Jade.

“That tired, huh?” He raised an eyebrow, setting Davey’s coffee mug down on a coaster.

“You have no idea,” Davey moaned, voice muffled as he rubbed his face with both hands. “I’m beat. I’m so exhausted I feel sick.”

“That sucks,” Jade said, watching him carefully. “If you need anything, you can find my room upstairs.”

“Okay.” Davey stared down at the blankets, smoothing the wrinkles out and feeling awkward. He cradled the side of his head in one hand, fingers tightening through his hair.

“If you want to shower,” Jade continued, gesturing towards the door on the wall opposite the bed, “There’s the bathroom. Don’t worry; all my products are safe for you to use.” He offered a kind smile. “Well, good night.”

“Night,” Davey said in a small voice, almost childishly. He nestled closer against the pillows and watched from the corner of his eye as Jade’s thin figure retreated towards the doorway. Ridiculous as it was, he found he didn’t really want him to go. “Wait…”

Jade stopped in the middle of the doorway and turned to throw a glance over his shoulder. Davey knew his request was odd—especially given the way he’d acted not that long ago—but he felt confident enough. Jade interrupted his train of thought, though, once he saw he wasn’t going to get an answer that easily. “What?

“Do you have to go now? Can’t you stay just a little longer?” Davey couldn’t help but smile at his bewildered expression.

“I guess I could...” He fumbled over his words, hand fluttering to the back of his hair and expression uncertain. He quirked an eyebrow, mouth slack. “Don’t you want to sleep, though?”

Davey picked at the comforter slowly; it kept him from looking at Jade. “Well,” he began, thoughtful, “Yeah. I guess it’s kind of selfish of me to ask you to sit up for a while, huh?” He brought his warm gaze up to meet Jade, doing his best to bite back the grin that threatened to rise once more.

Puzzled, Jade leaned against the door frame, scratching the back of his head. “I don’t know why you want me to stay if that’s the case…”

“It’s comforting,” Davey admitted, seeing it was useless to try to hide it. “I don’t like being alone. You don’t have to stay long. It won’t take me long to get to sleep—promise.”

“Uh…” Still seeming uncertain—and now a little insecure too—Jade rubbed his arms and stared at the corner of the room, away from Davey. He looked like he was folding in on himself, hiding. A negative response was poised on his lips; Davey could see that much. But then Jade caught his eye, and the word was swallowed, taken back before it could so much as be uttered. Something had changed his mind. So he nodded feebly, and stepped over to the bed, making his way around to the other side and finally seating himself at the edge. “Okay. Just for a few minutes.”

“Thanks.” Davey felt a little better already. He shifted up enough to bring the covers from the bed, so he could slip beneath them, then let them flutter softly over and around him.

Jade pulled his long legs up on the bed, leaning his back against the headboard and staring at the wall in front of him. Not once did he look at Davey, but at least he spoke to him. “Night, Davey.”

“Good night,” Davey returned, not even bothering to stifle the yawn.

He snuggled deeper in the covers and released a content sigh, closing his burning eyes. A heaviness washed over him, beginning to pull him under. It helped to have someone else’s presence there. He was just glad Jade would stay with him long enough to make sure he was all right. His last conscious thought before he traded his conscious for his subconscious was that maybe he could trust Jade after all.


	14. Chapter 13: Hooked on a Star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Chapter Notes: SooOOooo...It took me way too long to get this up. I got to this point where I was so lazy I didn't care and work took over my life so...uh...I didn't edit this much (and it's 2 years old). *coughs* The good news is that our boys are progressing. *wiggles eyebrows* NOW GO LISTEN TO BRIGHT BLACK HEAVEN IT'S VERY JAVEYFUL. YAY ;O; *sleep deprived*
> 
> Disclaimer: These are mere characters based on the members of AFI and those affiliated with the band (not the real people, duh). I do not own (except for Jenna...she's mine); I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

Summer treated them well. Small steps turned to bigger steps once the break-through had been reached, and they gradually grew more comfortable around each other. The visits and calls became more frequent, and soon Jade was inviting Davey to events with him, ones he hadn't dreamed of being able to attend before. Soon, Davey found himself spending many weekends in LA, courtesy of Jade and their growing network of shared friends. And they grew closer, something Davey hadn't imagined would be possible.

Currently, Davey was standing at the door, coat slung over his arm and waiting for Jade to finish getting ready so they could leave. A glance at the clock told him they had five minutes before they were to depart; there was no telling how long it would take them to battle the Los Angeles traffic in order to reach their party on time. It would’ve been just past rush hour if it weren’t a weekend; no doubt many young adults were on their ways to parties of their own, clubs, or dinner. He glanced out the window at the orange kissed horizon, spattered with streaks of gold and purple and pink, spread about by lingering embers of the late-August sunset. He couldn’t help but find the sight not only breathtaking, but incredibly romantic too. Smiling serenely, he watched as gray clouds sifted by, softly silhouetted by the dying light.

Rustling from the hallway brought his attention back up and he watched Jade hurry across the living room, stopping at the corner of the foyer to look at the full-length mirror. Davey couldn’t help but smile again as Jade adjusted his cufflinks, straightening his sleeves before tucking stray hairs back into place. He adjusted his gold tie, frowning as he tucked it into his black sports coat. He was always so meticulous about his appearance, having to get every little detail just right, just the way he liked it. Although he really didn’t need to worry too much about how he came across, Davey couldn’t help but find it endearing, the way he fussed and primped.

Despite his best efforts not to feel this way, Davey couldn’t help the warmth that bubbled up inside him, springing forth as newly formed adoration and manifesting itself in the state of breathlessness. He spread his hands over the back of a chair, unable to suppress the grin as he watched Jade brush his hair back from his eye again and again, only to have the offending fringe fall forward with each try. Exasperated, he huffed slightly. Then, sensing someone’s eyes fixated on him, he turned slowly to meet Davey’s gaze, lips twitching in a tiny smile.

“You ready?” he asked, tugging at his sleeves again.

Nodding in response, Davey slipped his coat on and hurriedly buttoned it up. He heard Jade heave a little sigh as he fumbled with the last button, walking slowly into the living room with his head bent down and his hair falling into his face.

Muttering softly, Jade brushed Davey’s hair from his face, tucking it behind his ear. “Here, let me get that.” Fingers nimbly flying over the buttons, he hastily redid the mess Davey had created.

“Thanks.” Davey grinned sheepishly, straightening his coat.

He cast a glance at his reflection before he followed Jade out the front door, taking only a moment to run his fingers through his hair to get it the way he liked it, then stepped out into the warm, waiting evening air. They didn’t say anything until after they’d gotten into the car, when they were on their way with the air conditioning on full blast and the radio just as loud. Davey peeked over at Jade, who gripped the steering wheel with such serious intensity that it all but made him laugh. His hand fluttered to his mouth as though to suppress the grin and he thought about how funny this all was. Here they were on their way to a glamorous Hollywood party, dressed in expensive black suits, and yet they were taking an old, run down car. He couldn’t help but find this silly. Jade was a rock star; he could afford a much better car and yet he refused to get rid of this one. Even when it had broken down the month prior, parts literally falling off, Jade still remained set in his ways and wouldn’t part with it. Ridiculous.

Leaning against the cool glass, Davey watched the houses and cars pass them by, every so often glancing back at Jade. It was already darker and the city lights illuminated the night, twinkling in his mind like a hundred man-made stars across the vast expanse of asphalt and concrete and brick. He watched them fly past in childlike awe; although he’d been to plenty of cities plenty of times, there was something fascinating and magical about L.A., something captivating that stole his breath away and wouldn’t give it back. The city held promise of a thousand once-in-a-lifetime opportunities just waiting for him to come by, just waiting to be snatched up and developed to their full potential. Therein also lay the possibility for a hundred thousand acquaintances, and a hundred thousand friendships and connections, provided he forge them correctly.

Jade snapped him of his daydream, releasing the tantalizing spell the city had offered to him when he spoke suddenly, voice soft and steady amongst the otherwise chaotic medley of car horns and engines. “Are you excited?”

Blinking, Davey brushed a strand of hair from his face, surprised. “Of course. I’ve never been to a party like this.” He paused, sloppy grin spreading across his face as the dozens of prospects danced through his mind. Flushed, thrilled, he went on, “Thanks for inviting me. Truly, it means a lot.”

“I take it you’re into this sort of thing,” Jade mused, shaking his head slightly. There was the hint of a smile playing on his lips, but it came across as more of a grimace. Keeping his eyes on the road, gripping the wheel tighter, he added, “I don’t really like parties.”

Tilting his head a bit to one side and resting it on his knuckles, Davey frowned. “You don’t? Then why are you going?” It didn’t make much sense to him why Jade would do something he hated. But it was obvious, judging from his rigid body language and his wrinkled brow, that he'd rather be anywhere.

Laughing shortly, Jade shook his head. “Because I can’t get out of it.” When Davey met his remark with a quirked brow, eyes silently inquiring the meaning, Jade further explained, “One of my exes was close to Jenna. We’ve been friends for several years and I’ve been invited to every party she throws. Sometimes I can find excuses to get out of it but I have to go this time.”

“If you say so.” Davey let it go, returning his gaze out the window. He said nothing for several moments, lost in his thoughts and imaginations running wild of what sorts of things he’d encounter at the party. His stomach flip-flopped, mind filled with gorgeous visions of models and glamorous actresses and beautiful evening gowns and glittering jewelry, amongst the endless tables stacked high with delicacies of both food and drink. He couldn’t imagine why Jade wouldn’t enjoy it and why he wouldn’t want to go. Furthermore, why on earth had he been invited to accompany Jade anyway? After all, he was not a musician or an actress or anyone special for that matter. He cut a glance over at his companion, knuckles pressed to his cheek. “Why me?”

“Huh?” Davey’s question managed to pry Jade’s gaze away from the road long enough to send him a puzzled look.

“Why did you ask me to come with you? Why not another friend that lives closer?” Davey clarified, failing to bite back the knowing smirk. As he watched Jade fumble with his words, scrambling to come up with an excuse, that smirk grew into a wry smile and he knew he had him cornered. Obviously, he didn’t want to jump directly to conclusions but he’d noticed the lingering gazes Jade had been sending his way for quite some time now. And although he was flattered, he couldn’t help the small twinge in his stomach or swallow the sour taste in his mouth at the possibility, the realization that Jade just might be taken by him.

Jade ran a hand through his shaggy hair, sucking in a breath through his teeth and letting it out slowly. Dropping his hand to his lap, he finally found his voice again. “Maybe I just…wanted to.” It was pathetic, and it made Davey chuckle, but he couldn’t deny that it pleased him. Even in the dark, he could imagine the crimson flush of Jade’s cheeks; he didn’t have to see it to know it was there.

They fell into a more comfortable silence then, each to his own thoughts. Jade didn’t say anything for the rest of the ride and Davey didn’t try to pry anything out of him either. He was perfectly content to be sitting next to him, to just be spending time with him and to accompany him to the kind of event he’d always been fascinated with, always wanted to witness. Despite what people might think of him, he’d always been enthralled by Hollywood; whether it was old, classic black-and-white movies featuring his favorite starlets of bygone eras, or whether it was pop singers and megastars who graced the public with an unexplained, otherworldly aura, Davey was in love, in love with every aspect of fame that he’d come across. Deep inside he knew that their world was not perfect, but it was as close to perfection as could possibly be humanly achieved.

By the time they arrived outside the tall, spiny gates of the mansion, the party had already started. Shiny luxury cars lined the street out front and, as they drew closer, it became apparent that the only reason the owners had chosen to park by the curb was because there was no room to be spared behind the gate. Grumbling under his breath about how they should’ve left earlier, Jade slowed, craning his neck to better gauge the parking options. Davey couldn’t help but smile again, amused. The way Jade was acting would’ve led anyone to believe that he possessed the most expensive, exotic car of them all.

After finally choosing a space down the street to park, Jade slipped out of the car, hurrying to the other side before Davey had hardly had a chance to unfasten his seat belt. Much to his surprise, Jade opened the door for him, smiling awkwardly from above and looking more uncertain by the second, shifting from one foot to the other. Davey stepped out of the car and shut the door, letting his hand flutter to alight on Jade’s arm as he locked their eyes, causing Jade’s grin to stretch even wider. His inadvertent flirtations were obviously more than welcome.

Cocking his head a bit to one side, he offered a warm smile and a word of gratitude. “Thanks. I could’ve gotten the door for myself, though.”

“Yeah, I know.” Jade coughed, looking away in embarrassment. “I just wanted to…”

“I know.” Davey patted his arm, stepping onto the curb and tossing a look over his shoulder to make sure Jade was following him.

Jade trotted to catch up with Davey and fell into step beside him, hands jammed in his coat pockets and head lowered, fringe concealing his expression. He strode a bit quicker, so as to get in front of him. Wordlessly, Davey trailed behind him, glancing furtively at his surroundings. Night had fallen, cloaking the world in a thick black shroud, and yet the artificial lights cast such a brilliant glow that it might as well have been another version of daytime. He gazed about in marvel at the neatly shaped rosebushes that lined the front walkway, at the luscious emerald sod so immaculately cared for. The walkway ahead split off into two curved sections around a central marble fountain, which greeted them with cheerful bubbling. For a brief moment, as they walked past, he caught sight of his and Jade’s distorted reflections in the dark waters. He watched as they passed by, suddenly so _so_ aware of who he was with and where he was going and how very out of place he was. However, he didn’t feel nervous. Rather, he looked forward to the challenge. Of course they wouldn’t accept just anyone into their tightly knit social circle but he was determined to fit in, and he was certain that he’d manage one way or another, if he played his cards right.

His excitement grew as they closed in on the entrance; a grand set of steps awaited them. They were wide and the ascent was rather high, but that only managed to increase the splendor. He stared up at the grandiose building looming high above them, at the many vacant, glossy windows and railings, at the many dips and crests of the roof. He was so intent on taking every bit of the architecture in that he all but forget where his feet were taking him, and if it hadn’t been for Jade’s careful attentions, he would’ve had a rather nasty spill. When he did trip, due to his careless inattention, Jade caught him by the elbow and steadied him, chuckling quietly, much to Davey's embarrassment. And, through the unspoken understanding of the silly excuse that Davey might fall again, Jade kept holding onto his elbow, in effect escorting him inside.

If Davey had thought that the outside was impressive, he was in for an awe inspiring surprise. Once the large double mahogany doors had been opened, he was greeted by a massive expanse of open space, the central area of the mansion stretching out for yards on either side—one side leading to the main dining hall and the other to the living room, presumably. He only got the chance to peek into the left side to catch sight of a long table covered in white cloth, littered with neatly folded scarlet napkins and towering, intricately carved silver candelabras. They were walking past the rooms, though, so he didn’t manage to get more than a glimpse of the other room, which housed several comfortable sofas and loveseats, plush, rich red carpet from wall to wall, and luxurious drapes stretching from floor to ceiling.

The sound of laughter resonating off the walls brought his attention to one of the winding, twin staircases, and to the two young women who descended them. They were both exquisitely dressed—the brunette wore a long, low-cut black evening gown of chiffon with beaded embroidery at the waist, and the blonde wore a sheath dress of vibrant blue with cinched sleeves, a small amount of fabric trailing behind her. Her white teeth flashed as she laughed again, in such a tinkling manner akin to bells. It was she that squealed when she caught sight of Jade, and rushed down the stairs so gracefully even in her high heels, a feat that Davey both admired and envied.

“Jade!” she said, encircling her arms about his neck in a rather undignified manner. She pulled back only long enough to bestow a kiss to his cheek, then stood back with her small, pale hands draped delicately over his shoulders, blue eyes shining in delight. “I’m so glad you could make it. I didn't know if you'd come again.”

Smiling wanly, Jade let his hands come to rest on either side of her waist, and the look they exchanged made Davey wonder if his story had been true after all; from where he was standing, it was very suspicious, and he could’ve sworn—if he hadn’t been told otherwise—that she, in fact, _was_ the ex-lover Jade had referred to. He shouldn’t be feeling so curious, nor should he be so focused on the bitter twinge of jealousy that made itself known from the pit of his gut. He would’ve probably let his imagination run wild again had Jade not interrupted his thoughts.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t able to make it last time.” Jade’s words sounded truly sincere, and it made Davey’s stomach twist a little to think that, no, he wasn’t _really_ sorry…or was he? Either way, he was lying to one of them. He bit back the momentary distaste.

Even more distasteful was her response, her complete trust. “Oh, don’t worry about it.” She waved it off, shaking her head so the ringlets tossed from side to side. “I’m just glad you’re here now. Really, I am. I’ve missed you, darling.” She paused, this look of utmost sincerity crossing her features. “You’re just always away doing this or that…It’s a wonder you have any time for yourself at all. Poor thing.” Reaching up, she cupped his cheek in the palm of her hand.

Usually, such words would have caused Davey to wonder if this person speaking them truly meant them. He found it almost strange just how dramatic she was, but that didn’t necessarily mean it was a bad thing. In fact, he found his mouth twisting upwards in amusement—it was this element of drama that he found almost appealing about her.

Jade laughed weakly, gently brushing her hand away, but holding it for just a moment to assure her that her affections were not dismissed entirely. “Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.” He glanced back over at Davey, and their eyes locked. Jade’s gaze lingered for a moment too long, and Davey felt his heart skip a beat, his breath catching in his throat. There was something about that look… He didn’t get the chance to contemplate it, however. “Yeah, um... so...this is my friend, Davey. The one I told you about?” Gesturing towards Davey, he paused, allowing her to speak.

She offered her hand, which he took without hesitation, and she giggled softly as she introduced herself before Jade could have the honor of doing so. “Nice to meet you, dear. As you might have gathered, I’m the host of this event, but you may call me Jenna.” She smiled warmly, letting her touch remain on his hand long enough for him to register that she treated all her male subjects as such—and maybe her female subjects too. “I’ve heard a lot about you from Jade, and I must say I’m happy to finally meet you.”

Davey felt his face heat up and he whipped his head for an instant to look at Jade again. Jade merely turned his head away, trying to conceal the crooked grin—but Davey caught it anyway. Arching an eyebrow, though he still smiled, Davey pulled his hand carefully from Jenna’s and returned the pleasantries. “It’s nice to meet you too. I’m surprised to hear that Jade’s said anything about me, though.”

“Oh, of course he has,” she told him. “He seems to really like you, and you seem to be a remarkable person so of course he wouldn’t be able to help himself.” She bit her lower lip, somehow managing to avoid smearing the bright red lipstick, and gave him a quick, but obvious, once over. “And from what I can tell so far, you do seem remarkable. I don’t blame him for thinking so much of you.”

Now Davey was certain that his face was as red as it felt. Grinning sheepishly, he brought his hand to his mouth to stifle the nervous laugh. It wasn’t every day that he received such compliments, especially from someone like this. “Thank you,” he murmured, letting his hand fall again.

“Well, now that we’ve been properly introduced,” Jenna proposed, “what do you say to a little tour of the place? On the way I can introduce you to some of my friends, and I’ll show you which foods are vegan.” She paused to glance over at Jade, who had been standing to the side quietly observing the whole time. “Would you like to come along? Or would you rather stay here and mingle? Either way it won’t hurt my feelings.”

Shrugging and shaking his head, Jade replied, “I kind of want to stay here if that’s okay.”

Jenna nodded understandingly. “Of course. If you’d like, there are some refreshments already set out in the dining room.” She pointed towards the room on the left. “And if you get bored, Greta’s here already. You seem to get along all right with her.” She paused, but Jade didn’t react to the notion, so she tried something else. “Or if you’re not really in the mood to socialize tonight—I know how finicky you can be—you’re always welcome to have a look through my library. I have some new additions to my theology collection, just in case you want to have a browse. You know where it is so just help yourself.” She waved her hand again, and Jade muttered his affirmation. That being decided, she turned towards Davey again. “Do you happen to like art very much?”

Davey nodded, eyes lighting up. “Yeah, actually–I collect.” Well, what he could afford anyway.

“Oh, goody.” She clapped her hands together. “In that case, you’ll love the gallery. I’ve managed to obtain some pieces to die for.” Then, dropping her voice to a whisper and leaning in, she added, “And just between you and me, if you really want to pick up some spectacular rarities, Jade’s the person to go to. Now, shall we go?”

Laughing softly, Davey nodded again. “Of course.” He followed her to the stairs, only casting a glance back at Jade once. Jade smiled at him, though it seemed forced. He looked so out of place standing there at the base of the stairs, leaning against the railing as though he wanted to disappear into the shadows. Davey really couldn’t understand why Jade didn’t like this; he was already warming up to the celebrity culture. It seemed a lot better than he’d originally dreamed, and so far the people he’d met had been receptive of him. Why, Jenna was even willing to have him, a new acquaintance, look through her house, while giving him tips and the insider scoop. He’d met some really good people, some really interesting people. He felt as though he fit in, that this was where he belonged.

He was instantly enamored by the glitz and glamor; it was far better to live it and see it and touch it up close than it was to quietly and wistfully observe it from miles away. Even though he’d viewed his night spent with Jade as a mistake, now he was beginning to see it through different eyes. All bad things could, arguably, have an up side. And this was definitely an up side. Although it should’ve been more about Jade and less about these after-effects, some tiny part within him, deep inside, couldn’t help but be secretly glad that he’d done it, glad that he’d sacrificed and taken the risk. He couldn’t deny that he was smug about it, even though he really didn’t have a right to be. But what did it matter? No one knew that awful truth, and it wasn’t like that was all there was to it. No, no one would ever have to know.

And Davey was fine with it staying a secret for as long as he had to keep it.

–

They left the party hours later, much later than Jade would’ve liked to have left, and Davey knew it. But he’d just been having the time of his life. Jenna had introduced him to many people that night, people who worked behind the scenes as well as people who he’d seen on television, or on stage. It was an honor to meet them, but Davey wasn’t delusional. He realized the true greatness that lay beneath the thinly veiled surface that was the party. This wasn’t just a social event. This was a means of conducting business, of networking. He felt a sense of satisfaction and achievement, then, and he couldn’t help but feel slightly giddy at the thought of what his friends would say. Maybe he shouldn’t really go into detail though. He had to admit he felt so foolish for thinking this way, for being so shallow and for getting so caught up in something that could so easily and quickly turn into something wrong, dangerous. It could just as easily go sour as it had gone sweet, and he didn’t really want to risk it, but then again, did he really have much to lose?

Jade, on the other hand, seemed even more tired than before by the time they finally left. He walked slowly down the stairs, almost as though he was afraid he’d fall down them if he moved any faster. Davey couldn’t help but worry for him and stepped closer to his side, placing a hand on his arm just in case. In response, Jade shot him a gentle, grateful look—not quite smiling but not looking unpleasant either. Still, there was some sort of underlying tension, something that seemed to be bothering him and it began to bother Davey too; he began to worry that he’d done something wrong, and the high he’d obtained from being in such a setting was swiftly wearing off.

Nothing was said until they’d come to stand on the curb by Jade’s car. Jade fumbled with his keys, fishing them out of his coat pocket then just came to a standstill, as though thinking better of it. He pocketed the keys again and turned to face Davey, an indescribably perplexed expression dominating his features. He moved closer, placing his hands on Davey’s shoulders and gently pushing him against the side of his car, much to his puzzlement.

“What are you…?” Davey began, but stopped, seeing the flicker of concern pass through Jade’s eyes.

Shifting closer to him, pressing him carefully into the side of the car, Jade murmured, “Please promise me something.” He hovered in Davey’s face, eyes sappy and face drooping, now seeming more than worried, now seeming miserable.

Lifting his hands and gripping Jade’s arms, Davey swallowed hard and nodded. He licked his lips to wet them, then spoke. “What?”

“Please,” Jade whispered, on the verge of desperate, “promise me you won’t get too caught up in this shit. Seeing what I saw tonight made me realize this was a mistake. I don’t want you to become like me. Please promise me you won’t go there.”

Truly perplexed, Davey frowned and held onto Jade’s arms a little tighter, digging his nails into the fabric. He tilted his head a bit to one side to better see Jade’s face, but he only hung his head all the more. “I don’t see the problem. I can assure you that nothing bad will happen. Relax.”

“It’s not that easy. You don’t get it,” Jade insisted, arms slipping to encircle almost protectively around Davey. He lifted his head, shaggy hair falling into his face. Streetlights cast shadow and light respectively, illuminating the curves of his face and darkening the hollows. “I might not have known you for years, but I’ve seen it happen enough. It’s overrated, okay? It’s not perfect; it’s not satisfying. At all. Don’t go there.”

Davey swallowed hard. He parted his lips, trying to speak, trying to even find the words, but words failed him. He could only stare into Jade’s eyes as Jade stared back. Jade searched his gaze intently for several uncomfortable moments, then finally broke the staring contest by blinking, hanging his head, pressing his forehead against Davey’s shoulder.

“Oh, God, you don’t understand.”

“No,” Davey insisted, finally finding his voice, “no, I do get what you’re saying. I just don’t see why it’s a big deal.” He frowned, but there was a nagging feeling forming in the pit of his stomach. Even if he didn’t want to admit it, he knew Jade had a point. If he wasn’t careful, he could get caught up in a mess too. He knew better than anyone that he was prone and partial to such things, and now he’d gotten so careless with it that even Jade could see it. “Don't worry, okay? I’m not getting caught up in it. I was only having fun tonight.” Smiling weakly as Jade brought his head up to look at him again, he swallowed back the ache, the demand that he was entitled to such things as well. That was just human nature—greed. He wasn’t actually entitled or deserving of anything like that. After all, he hadn’t done anything, and he couldn’t help but feel sorry he had even considered it.

“It’s okay to admire it,” Jade admitted, nodding once. “Just…be careful. Mkay?” Slowly, he brought one hand up, placing it on Davey’s cheek.

Flinching in surprise at the gesture, Davey heard himself softly agreeing, though it didn’t completely register in his mind. “Okay.”

A beat passed between them, and then a breath, and just as Davey was parting his lips to tack on another assurance that Jade shouldn’t worry, he found that Jade’s face was only but a couple of inches from his face. He felt Jade’s heated, moist breaths coming faster on his nose and lips, and he found himself in the same state, as they exhaled and inhaled each other. Davey felt his heart beat quicken as Jade’s hand brushed against his side, sending shivers down his spine and through his body. He felt the long, spidery fingers coming to rest on his lower back, caressing it through the rough fabric of his sports coat. Those full lips were hovering just above his now, and he found his own were quivering in anticipation. Letting his eyelids close halfway, absorbing the sheer pleasure of having another human so so close to him, he lost himself to a sudden wave of impulse and gave way to the feeling, sliding his arms ever so slowly around Jade’s waist. That seemed to do the trick in urging him on, and he sidled his body closer to Davey’s, pressing the entirety of his body against the car.

“Oh…” Davey couldn’t help the soft little exclamation; he felt the blood pulsing in every part of him, warming every inch of his being. He tried not to give in, knowing it probably was not a good idea, but deep inside, he knew this was going to happen sooner or later. After all, there was chemistry and magnetic attraction between them, and it had been there since the moment they’d laid eyes upon each other in person. At least, that was what Davey liked to think.

“Davey,” Jade whispered his name softly, pulling his attention back where it needed to be, fondling his chin between a thumb and a forefinger. “You don’t…”

Davey wasn’t sure whether it was him or Jade who finally closed the space between them. It might’ve been both of them. The next thing he was aware of was the sensation of warm lips covering his own, massaging them gingerly in a tender caress. Davey returned the kiss with equal passion, tightening his grip around him. They stood like that for several moments, entwined in each others’ arms, enraptured by the adoration and the glamor and the sensation. After the initial kiss, several more moments elapsed in which they traded tiny little brushes of lips against lips, bestowing pecks wherever they could reach. Davey knew they had to stop when Jade pressed a long, wet kiss under his jaw, sending such an electric shudder through him that he couldn’t help but buck forward into him. He couldn’t help but give one, last kiss to the corner of Jade’s full lips before leaning his head back against the car, slumping against the side and trapped between it and Jade’s body. Both stood still, clinging to each other, panting. Davey could feel the heaving breaths wracking Jade’s body, could feel the uneasy rise and fall of his chest and the rapid beating of his heart, could feel the trembling of every muscle rippling beneath the fragile skin. He groaned softly, unable to help it, and Jade let his forehead drop to his shoulder again, tucking his head between Davey’s collarbone and his neck.

“Sorry 'bout that,” he mumbled into Davey’s throat.

“No, don't be. It’s okay,” Davey assured him, reaching up and running his fingers through the back of Jade’s hair. Both were silent as they contemplated the action. Strangely, Davey felt no sense of remorse or guilt or dread. He was perfectly fine with what he’d done. It wasn’t like he hadn’t meant it.

Slowly, Jade lifted his head, only to press his forehead to Davey’s and squeeze his eyes shut, looking pained. Feeling concerned again, Davey rubbed Jade’s back, running his thumbs up and down his spine. “Something wrong?”

“I just don’t want to lose you,” Jade sighed, cracking his eyes open.

“You’re not going to lose me,” Davey said, puzzled. “Why’d you think that? One little kiss isn’t going to chase me away.”

“It’s not the kiss,” Jade insisted, finally pulling away. Cooler air rushed between them, occupying the space that had once been filled.

Suddenly Davey felt colder. He wanted to pull Jade back up against him and hold him there so he wouldn’t feel it. However, Jade’s action didn’t bother him nearly so much as the look he received next.

As Jade fished his keys out of his pocket again, he lifted his forlorn, broken stare to Davey’s, and set his jaw. “I just really don’t want to lose you,” he repeated, voice trembling slightly. “I don’t want to lose you like I’ve lost myself.” He turned and didn’t speak another word, instead opting to unlock the doors and hurriedly slip into the driver’s seat.

And for once Davey had no words, no choice but to follow him.


	15. Chapter 14: When the Ideal Isn't Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Chapter Notes: I don't think I need to remind you the things I say EVERY CHAPTER about how long it takes me to get this shit up and how old it is LMFAO. But I'm beginning to get weary and it shows...when it comes to editing this chapter, I win this award:
> 
> *insert You Tried star here*
> 
> I hope you enjoy even if it's not very polished, just because I'm really sick of beating myself into the ground with perfectionism when it's so quiet over here anyway! LOL. Feels good not to really care, truthfully.
> 
> Disclaimer: These are mere characters based on the members of AFI and those affiliated with the band (not the real people, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

Davey was surprised when Adam came to visit him at work. He was even more surprised because Adam would usually call ahead an hour or two before dropping in, if he dropped in at all. This was completely unlike him, and it was worrisome. Swallowing hard as he watched Adam lean in his doorway, he pushed his pen and paper away, finishing up the call with a client. He turned around in his chair to face Adam, straightening his tie a little.

Adam tore his blue eyes from Davey's, sighing heavily and looking out the window. He rested his arm on the door frame. For a moment, he opened his mouth, as though he were going to say something. Then, seeming to think better of it, he snapped it shut.

Since he wasn't making any effort to initiate conversation, Davey took it upon himself to say something first. “Hey.” He was a bit taken aback at how quiet his voice was; then again, it shouldn't have been too much of a shock, seeing as how he felt guilty for not talking to Adam for several days, and for having run off with Jade like that. After all, Adam had been showing him a lot of affection which he had been gladly returning, only for this to happen. The shame hit him hard in the gut. This couldn't possibly be right, he realized in dismay, chewing on a nail.

Heaving yet another heavy sigh, Adam pulled his eyes from the window to focus on Davey again. “Hey.” He sounded about as enthusiastic as Davey felt.

Watching as Adam stepped into the room slowly, arms hanging limply at his sides, Davey tried to swallow the feeling of dread, the sickness that threatened to rise. He offered a wan smile that wasn't returned. Adam seated himself on the edge of Davey's desk, eyes downcast, and pushed a stack of papers to the side. His mouth slackened as he picked up a paperweight, tossing it from one hand to the other. Even though he was acting disappointed, Davey could tell he was nervous as well. Something was really bothering him.

Davey leaned forward in his seat, resting his weight on his elbows as he stared up at Adam, lips quivering as he tried to speak. Finally, he gathered the courage to pose the question that had been painfully eating away at him since the moment Adam had shown up. “Is something wrong?”

There elapsed several agonizing moments of silence, during which Adam stared intently into the colorful, glassy surface of the paperweight, turning it this way and that in the light as a means of occupying himself, as an excuse. Eyes fluttering shut, he all but slammed the bauble down on the desktop, causing Davey to jump. “Yeah, we need to talk.”

Davey bit down on his lip ring, eyes darting to glance at the clock. Well, it was close enough to noon. He supposed that taking his lunch break now wouldn't hurt. “Um, okay. Where do you want to talk?” He pushed his chair back from the desk, standing and gathering his briefcase and brown paper bagged lunch to take with him.

“I don't care,” Adam sighed, sliding off the desk and jamming his hands in his pockets. His eyes clouded over as he watched Davey, mouth turning a bit more downwards. Davey couldn't help but notice the expression—the longing. Feeling even guiltier, he turned away just enough so he wouldn't have to look into those eyes, but what he didn't see on Adam's face, he heard through his voice. “Let's go somewhere private.”

Clearing his throat and stopping in the doorway, daring to peek over his shoulder, Davey asked meekly, “Maybe the courtyard?”

Momentarily, Adam hesitated. Then, nodding, he said, “Yeah, sounds good.”

Mouth quirking into an uneasy smile, Davey nodded his affirmation as well, and then jerked his head to the side. “Okay. Let's go.”

Wordlessly, Adam followed him down the hall. Davey could feel his eyes boring into his back, and he couldn't deny that it made him uneasy. He couldn't be perfectly certain what Adam would say, but he'd known him long enough to make some pretty good guesses – and none of them were favorable. He brushed past Brittany on his way to the elevator and she shot him a strange, questioning look, which he only answered by glancing at her worriedly. She mouthed something to him; he couldn't quite catch all of it but he figured it had to do with telling her what was going on later, and he smiled weakly in her direction to let her know that he understood what she wanted him to do.

It wasn't until he and Adam had gotten to the ground level and were walking out the doors leading to the courtyard that anything was said. Adam stepped closer beside him as they headed down the concrete path, amongst the rounded bushes and brush, trying to find a stone bench to sit so they could chat. He felt Adam's hand fall upon his shoulder and he flinched slightly, muscles tensing. In response, Adam gently rubbed his shoulder, partially as a reassurance and partially to get him to relax.

“There's a place over there,” Adam murmured, pointing towards a vacant curved gray bench which stood proudly beneath the shade of a large oak tree.

Deviating from the path, they walked across the lawn together as the wind gently blew their hair, providing a gentle lullaby and a calming touch. Davey seated himself on the edge of the cold slab, clasping his hands between his knees and leaning forward. Adam slowly sat next to him, sighing comfortably once he'd settled. They were silent for a few beats, then Adam turned to face Davey and he spoke.

“Maybe it's not my place to say this because I know what's going to happen.” He exhaled audibly, shifting.

Davey turned his gaze to meet Adam's, lips twitching into another wan smile and brow creasing in concern. “Well? Just say it.”

Running a hand through his hair, Adam told him, “This isn't going to be easy for you to take.” He shook his head, dropping his hand to his lap. “But the thing is... You've been hanging out with Jade way too much.” Pausing, he cut a glance over to Davey to gauge his reaction.

Davey bit his lip again, drumming his fingers on the bench. Yeah, this was what he'd been afraid of. It was coming and he knew he deserved it. “Yeah, I know. It's not good is it?” He brushed his hair away from his face, grinning sheepishly, though his eyes were dark with remorse.

“Well, I wasn't exactly going to say that,” Adam admitted, shrugging slightly. “I was just going to say I didn't think it was a good idea to get that close to him after what he put you through. I'm worried.” He waited but Davey didn't say anything, and didn't look up from the grass either, so Adam took a deep breath and placed his hands on his shoulders, forcing him to look over. “Listen, I might be disappointed if you don't want to continue what we've been doing, but I'll be fine with it if you want to start seeing someone. I want you to be happy, okay? I hope you know that.”

“I know.” Davey swallowed hard, licking at his lips. “I just didn't want to hurt you because I know how you feel about me, and I know I shouldn't have done all those things with you and then go run off with Jade. It just didn't feel right, you know?” He glanced up to meet Adam's eyes with all sincerity and affection.

“Yeah, I get what you mean.” Adam let his hand drift to Davey's back, which he rubbed gently and comfortingly before draping his arm around his shoulders, pulling him closer in a one-armed hug. “I don't blame you for it though. I know that you're just an affectionate person. So don't worry about it.” He hung his head, obscuring his face from Davey's view.

Leaning against Adam's side, Davey rested his cheek on his shoulder and peered up at him. “I have a good reason to worry,” he murmured, edging closer so he could look into Adam's eyes. “I know the way you are. I know how attached you get to the people you care the most for.” He paused, brow wrinkling as he debated with himself. Should he mention it? Should he really tell Adam that he knew? Licking his lips, he finally decided there was no way around it; he had to bring the matter to the surface. He'd known for months and had waited for Adam to say it on his own, but he hadn't, so he would have to do it for him. Voice lowered in a whisper, as though the words that fell from his lips were sacred, he said, “I know you love me.”

Slowly, Adam turned to look Davey right in the eye, mouth opening and closing, the clumsy words forming on his lips though nothing came out. He gripped Davey's shoulders tighter, as though to anchor himself, as though to hold on for fear of losing him...or himself. Davey only gazed up at him, feeling a strange mixture of worry and sorrow. He held onto Adam tighter as well, wishing he could spare him from the pain he would no doubt feel eventually.

“Oh, Dave.” Adam sighed, shaking his head from side to side, eyes squeezed shut. “I hate that you said it. But it's true.” He opened his eyes to look at Davey again, this strange sort of brokenness shadowing his features, this strange sort of forlorn glimmer in his eyes. He bent his head down and spoke softly in Davey's ear, brushing the strands of hair away from his face as the breeze blew them there, fingertips lingering warmly on the skin and causing him to shiver. “I've loved you for a long time. For years, actually.”

“Why didn't you tell me sooner?” Davey asked, frowning slightly. He couldn't understand. It made no sense. If Adam had always had feelings for him, why had he just hung back instead of making a move? It had been no secret that gender didn't matter to him. He'd known it and been secure of it since high school, and, in fact, Adam had been one of the first people to know. So why, if they were so close, had he not been able to tell him how he felt?

“I couldn't tell you,” Adam replied, voice cracking a little. He gave no further information, only turned away.

Confused, Davey sat upright and gently took Adam's face in his hand, forcing him to look at him. His frown deepened, fingers trembling. “Why did you think you couldn't tell me? You can tell me anything.”

“You didn't feel the same,” Adam answered almost immediately, wrapping his fingers around Davey's wrist. He smiled, though it was a sad, wistful one. “I didn't want to burden you; I knew you'd feel awkward.” Sighing heavily, he stared down at his feet, rubbing the toes of his shoes into the grass and hunching his shoulders. “It's like you're only going along with this because you feel obliged to. You shouldn't feel like that. You shouldn't do it just because we're close and you're afraid of ruining anything, or because you want the attention.”

Davey couldn't find his tongue. He couldn't deny that what Adam had said was true; he hadn't felt the same at the time and he wasn't sure of what he felt now. It would be a lie to say that he didn't feel anything at all because he did, but it wasn't the same as what he felt for Jade. Deep down, he knew he didn't love Jade, but he didn't love Adam either. He wracked his brain, trying to find the words to say, or anything to say for that matter, but Adam cut his thoughts short.

“Don't feel bad about it.” He gave him a reassuring squeeze and a weak smile, eyes lined with gentle sadness—but kindness too. “It's nothing you can help.” Unable to help himself, he pressed a firm kiss to Davey's temple, rubbing his shoulder. His next words were mumbled into Davey's hair, lips still pressed against the side of his head. “But that's not what I brought you out here to talk about. I'm still worried about you.”

Davey peeked up at him, tightening his lips. “Because of Jade?” He couldn't help but stiffen, and though he knew that Adam's intentions were nothing but good, he didn't want to hear the inevitable lecture.

Nodding, Adam replied, “Yeah. I don't think it's good to spend so much time and money flying down to see him. You've been in L.A. a lot recently. Where are you getting all that money from anyway?”

Discontent, Davey slouched lower, directing his gaze away from Adam, trying to hide his embarrassment. “Don't worry about it. I'm not going to go bankrupt.” There was no need to tell him that Jade had paid for several of the most recent trips – or rather Jade had bought the tickets and surprised him with them, asking him to please come and see him. And how could he say no? How could he reject the offer after Jade had spent the money? Theoretically, he could have, but that wouldn't have been very gracious—and he had to admit that he _wanted_ to see Jade, to spend that time with him. It wasn't something that he felt he could tell Adam for many reasons, but already, he could feel his bright blue eyes boring into him, trying to pry the information out.

Even worse, Adam didn't have to ask. Instead, he guessed it. “So Jade's paying for it, huh?”

This drew Davey's attention back to him, and he could only smile weakly at the pointed yet half-amused look he received. “Um, yeah, maybe.” He laughed shortly, but Adam's smile faded.

“You shouldn't accept that,” Adam pointed out, shaking his head. He shifted away from Davey, withdrawing his arm and leaving him feeling cold. Even when Davey tried to lean into the touch again, Adam sat still and didn't return it. “You know what he wants from you.”

“I know it seems like that,” Davey answered quickly, frowning, “but I don't think he's going to treat me like he did. If that's what he wanted, I would know by now. Besides, he knows it's not going to happen again. It would be pointless of him to try.”

Adam all but groaned. “Yeah, well, be careful. You're getting caught up in this again. And I really don't want you to get hurt...or lose you.” He brushed Davey's hair out of his eyes, stroking it back and tucking it behind his ear, smiling in that broken manner again, though there was an element of warmth and fondness behind it.

Before he'd tacked on the last bit, Davey had had a retort waiting on his tongue. However, the concern stopped him before he'd even had a chance to get started and he felt that lingering sense of shame again, along with a prickling sensation—a feeling of bewilderment and dread. It was so eerily similar to what Jade had told him several nights ago. He must've really been predictable, must've really been transparent. Of course, they could've been talking about two different things but it was close enough to render him speechless, to cause the hairs on the back of his neck to stand up. Surely, he was overreacting. He shot a helpless glance over at Adam, who tried to reassure him by taking his hand and squeezing it tightly.

Lacing their fingers together, holding tightly to that which was warm, that which was solid, that which was firm and unchanging, Davey tried to find the words again to describe what he felt. What he came up with was lacking and mediocre, at best. Lamely, he remarked, “It's funny you said that. Jade told me the exact same thing.” He stared down at their hands as Adam stroked the back of his hand with his thumb. “He told me what he meant but...what do you mean?” He bit his lower lip.

Surprised, Adam lifted both eyebrows. “Sometimes you don't think. You make decisions based on how you feel and you're getting involved in a community that's not very stable. It's kind of unhealthy. And, well, to be honest—” Here, he faltered over his words, gripping Davey's hand so tightly it hurt. “—I hate the thought of you being with him. I want you to be happy, but I don't think he's good for you.”

Davey blew the breath he'd been holding out, pursing his lips. “I get your point.”

“I'm not done,” Adam continued, before Davey could say anything more. “Sometimes I'm not okay with us. You give me affection like you would a lover, but you just...” He trailed off, unable to finish the thought.

This earned him a bitter look. Davey couldn't help but stare hard at him, mouth turned sharply downwards and he jerked his hand away from Adam's shaking grasp. He tried to control himself but the emotion welled, the indignation and the resentment and the fury reached their peak, boiling over into a heated deluge of words which refused to be sealed, instead spewing almost thoughtlessly from his mouth. “That's not true. You're the one who starts it with me. You're the one who's been touching me all this time, and kissing me and holding me...Don't fucking blame me for any hurt you feel. I'm only reacting the way I always do. So if you don't like it, you can change it. I'm _sorry_ I can't feel the same.”

Taken aback, eyes wide and darting about and mouth slightly open, Adam fumbled for the right words though visibly injured. “I...”

“Yeah, you don't have an excuse for that one,” Davey couldn't help but snap, eyes narrowing. “I never meant to hurt you, but you can't go blaming me for shit. You can't say it's my fault for liking someone else. Even if he's not good for me, that still gives you no right to point fingers at me.” He took a deep breath, holding it and trying to contain the thousand venom-laced words that threatened to escape. Releasing it slowly in a stream of steady, cool air, he tried to clear his mind. “I think we should cut this conversation short...if you're just going to accuse me.” Without waiting for a reply, he started to get up, having all intention of storming back into his office.

“Wait.” Adam grabbed his wrist, expression almost desperate.

“What?” Davey snapped again, eyes flashing.

“I'm sorry. That all came out wrong.” Adam hung his head, not relinquishing his hold on Davey's wrist though he tried to wrest it free. “Please just let me talk.”

Although Davey refused to reply, he stopped struggling and watched Adam with an impatient gaze. He couldn't help but feel bad but he was just so angry that Adam had actually _said_ that to his face, much less _thought_ it. Didn't he know him better than that? The way Adam acted made it seem like he thought Davey was a fool, which he most certainly was not. He knew what he was doing, and Adam knew how he tended to behave about things. In all reality, Adam was implying that he was using him, and they both knew very well that was not the case. It hurt him deeply.

Adam began, slackening his hold on Davey's arm, “I was wrong about that last part. I'm sorry.”

_Damn right you were._ It was all Davey could do to keep from growling this. Instead, he maintained enough control for something a little kinder. “Yeah, okay.” Huffing, he stared off into the distance again, jaw set firmly.

“I can't help but be jealous,” Adam continued, hand slipping down a little further to grasp Davey's hand again. Davey didn't pull it away this time, but he didn't return the gentle pressure. “It hurts to watch you destroy yourself. I hate how you're so caught up in your fantasy that you don't appreciate what you have. I'm not just talking about the Jade thing—but that is a big part of it.”

“Stop.” Opening his mouth, Adam tried to protest, but Davey held up his other hand, eyes fluttering shut. He was exasperated; he'd had it. “You've already said that twenty times. You don't need to say it again because I can see what's going on here. You're obsessing. Cut it out.”

“I'm sorry,” Adam apologized again, voice shaking a little. “I don't mean to push you away like this.” He swallowed hard, audibly.

“Then let it go,” Davey told him, still unable to look at him, much less open his eyes. “I know you love me and I know you're worried and jealous. I know you mean no harm. But what you're doing isn't good. You're going to have to get over it for now.”

He finally opened his eyes to see Adam's reaction, but there wasn't too much of a visible one. Adam kept his head down, eyes glazed over and fixated on some imaginary point in the center of the courtyard. He didn't speak, didn't indicate that he'd heard Davey. Gradually, Davey slipped his hand from Adam's grip, expression turning to one of disappointment and disdain.

“I should probably go now,” he mumbled, staring at the ground as well. “I think it's best to forget today. But...if you need to talk about it again, please pick a time when you're not so emotional about it.” Having said that, he picked up his briefcase and bag. “I'll talk to you later, okay?”

Nodding feebly, Adam whispered, “Okay.” Eyes turning upwards remorsefully, he added, “Bye.”

Davey returned the goodbye briefly, under his breath, then hurried back towards the building. His stomach lurched uncomfortably and he truly worried what would become of his friendship with Adam. Although he had thought they could keep it the way it was, it was becoming more and more apparent to him that, unless he got it under control, Adam's feelings would be getting in the way and things would change—and not for the better. The only other option would be if he started to feel deeper; he did have feelings for Adam but they weren't enough, not even close. Sorrow washed over him at the thought of losing him – ironic, since Adam had been afraid of a similar thing. Funny, he thought, punching the elevator button to go back up, how the things you were most afraid of were the things that ended up happening.

–

The next two days were a whirlwind of sleepless nights and hectic days, each moment blurring into the next, burnt into his memory in such a manner that he couldn't distinguish one hour from another. All he could think about was the dilemma that lay before him and although he didn't want to face it, he knew sooner or later he would have to and it was looking like it would be sooner. Meditation sessions revealed to him that he felt more for Adam than he'd realized; they'd been close since they were teenagers, after all. But he wasn't sure if it was simply intimate friendship or more. It made him wonder if he couldn't be more with Adam just because of that intimate friendship they shared. Then again, that was not a good idea right now when he was unsure of it himself, and it wasn't good because that friendship he had was undeniably unraveling before his eyes. He really didn't want to admit it but it was true; it had been disintegrating for months now, even though he'd tried to turn a blind eye to it, tried not to notice it. Even before Adam had expressed his feelings for that first time things had been going downhill. And Davey wasn't really sure why. It could very well be his fault for getting too caught up in his own world, his fantasy, as Adam had said. Or it could be Adam's fault for...what? Davey wanted to transfer some of that guilt over to Adam so they'd share the burden equally, but he realized, with a sinking feeling, that he couldn't quite pinpoint anything Adam had really done to warrant it. He couldn't very well blame him for feelings, and of course he was human and would make mistakes.

He couldn't help it; he wanted to tell someone about it. After all, he had no idea what he could do, and he didn't want what he had with Adam—whatever that was—to end. Although he wanted to talk to Adam about it, he didn't know how—didn't know how after they'd already talked about it and found that it had gotten them nowhere. The mix of frustration and confusion was too much for him to handle alone.

It wasn't until Friday evening, though, when he was out to dinner with Brittany and Nils that the dam finally burst; he cracked. It hadn't been of his own doing, either; all it took was that one little question, and the truth raised its ugly, unfit head.

“So, how's Adam doing?” Brittany asked, taking a bite of her salad.

“Well...” Davey stirred his drink and stared into its icy depths, sighing heavily as he dropped the straw and let it spin around of its own accord. “I assume he's okay. I don't know. He and I haven't been talking that much lately.”

Brittany and Nils exchanged a quick glance before turning their attention back to Davey. Both looked concerned and Davey hated that he had to ruin this outing, but he just couldn't keep it inside any more.

“What's wrong?” Nils was the first to ask, putting his fork down and staring at Davey in all sincerity.

“Oh.” Davey ran both hands through his hair, stopping to press the heels of his hands to his eyes and stretching back slightly. “Just...It's stupid. He's upset that I've been spending so much time with Jade. I think it's ruining our friendship.” He dropped his hands to his lap. Brow furrowing, he stared down at his drink again, once more hunching over and stirring it.

“Ruining your friendship?” Brittany quirked an eyebrow, then shook her head. “That's ridiculous. You guys have been friends forever. There's got to be more to it than that.”

“I know.” Davey groaned, holding his face in his hands again. “It's because he has feelings for me. I think he always hoped I'd return his feelings.”

“Have you talked to him about it?” Nils asked around his mouthful of food, gesturing with his fork.

“Yeah, I've tried.” Davey sighed, staring intently down at the tabletop. He felt a cold sensation washing over him, his stomach churning as it settled uncomfortably in his chest. Now he was getting frustrated. There was no reason that this should be so damn difficult. “It just really sucks because he acts like I don't have any feelings for him but I do. They're just not as strong as he'd like them to be.” Drooping, he propped his chin in on hand and took to stirring his drink again—anything to keep him busy and focused on not feeling too depressed, too miserable. It was almost bad enough for him to want to cry because, though he didn't like to admit it, if they didn't sort something out then he would lose Adam.

“So what about Jade?” Nils dared to ask, earning a little nudge and a disapproving glare from Brittany.

Davey shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. “I'm not going to lie—I'm crazy about him. It's so stupid, I know. And I feel even stupider wondering who I should choose.”

“That's not stupid,” Brittany pointed out. “But it's not like you have to choose now or anything.”

“I know.” Davey rubbed his face with one hand, cracking open an eye to look at his friends. “I guess I should just cool it, huh?”

“Cool what? I don't see why you'd have to do anything like that,” Brittany admitted, lifting her glass. “I mean, they both realize you're not making promises.”

“True.” Davey sighed, blowing a strand of his hair from his face.

“Though to be honest, if I were you, I'd pick Adam.” Brittany set her drink down, folding her hands in her lap and putting her entire focus on him. “He's not perfect but he's honest. You can count on him to always pull through.”

“Yeah,” Nils added, “and you don't really want to get involved in all that Hollywood mess, do you? Jade hasn't been exactly great to you.”

Davey's brow furrowed. “I know. It makes sense logically speaking. But I can't hold a grudge against Jade forever. He apologized and he's been careful since. I truly believe he means what he says.”

Shrugging, Nils muttered, “Eh, it's up to you.”

“I wouldn't do it though.” Brittany nodded.

“Maybe, but I can't exactly go any farther with Adam now,” Davey told them, expression harder.

“What makes you think it wouldn't work? Just curious.” Brittany tossed her hair back from her face, one arm draped over the table, leaning on her elbow.

“It doesn't feel right.” Davey shook his head, eyes momentarily fluttering shut. “I can't put it into words.”

“Well, if you don't feel right about it, go with your gut feeling.” Brittany shrugged. “There's usually a good reason why you feel that way.”

Nils nodded his agreement. “Exactly. Don't write him completely off though.”

“Yeah, I guess you're right.”

Davey lapsed into silence, staring past them and across the restaurant, at the bar. His stomach sank and he suddenly wasn't hungry anymore. Even though talking to them should've put his mind at ease and made him feel better, it only made him feel worse. He knew they were right – he had every reason to want Adam, to want to be with him, to build a stable relationship with him. The more he thought about it the more appealing it seemed, to think of taking him out of dates, cooking him dinner, driving him to the beach, waking up next to him every morning... He couldn't deny that it was very tempting. Strange to think that the domestic life he'd so loathed was now something he found himself considering, drawn to. After all it was fairly predictable, safe, secure. And yet, despite all these good qualities, he felt hollow when he thought of it. Maybe he just had never gotten the wild streak out of him. Maybe he never would. But he'd be damned if he didn't at least give it a shot to see if it was what he really wanted, what he really was meant for. Something inside felt wrong about it but he couldn't be sure if that was because of Adam or because there was something truly wrong, but he had to make a decision on something because either way he was going to want to know and he was going to be in a tight spot. He might as well try it.

After all, if he didn't like it he could always turn around.


End file.
